Chapter 1 - Caught in the Dark

A young man awakes in the dark.

     I fall into nothingness, a void of darkness swirling on for eternity. My heart is black and my mind is clouded. I wait here for my savior, hoping with all my dark heart that she comes, bringing light to this abyss of sorrow. I remember clearly how I arrived here, like it was yesterday, or even seconds ago. All I wish is that she will hear my plea. Tears began to fill my eyes and cloud my vision further than the darkness around me had already achieved. I whimpered softly as a loud crash drowned out my cry. It echoed through the darkness like a thunderstorm. I moved my head slightly and saw it, a door, its size continued to make my soul feel as if it was shrouded in darkness, despite its radiance. The immense light that nearly blinded me upon gazing at it. Elaborate designs filled the door in brilliant white, contrasting its much darker parts, not quite the black that covered every inch of my prison. I stood in awe, staring at its beauty lost in its remarkable design. I moved, but barely, something had caught my attention, it moved slightly. It spoke, startling me, but I listened.
    “Young man, I suppose you do not know what you have stumbled into.” My heart sank upon hearing his voice, it was not her, she had not heard my call.
    “Worry not about her.” How did he know about her? I didn’t have much time to think before he interrupted me once again.
    “All your thoughts will be answered with time, for now listen, and you will be freed.” He had paused, but I continued to listen, trusting him, but I wasn’t sure why.
    “It seems you have made a wise decision boy, I have brought you under very urgent matters.” I wasn’t sure what he meant by urgent matters, but I continued to listen.       
    “It seems that your realm, Earth may you call it, has torn into worlds it should not have.”
What is he talking about? I though to myself, what does this all mean, why am I here, standing in darkness, gazing upon a monstrous door, and listening to a man in the shadows, I spoke.
    “What is this place? Why am I here” It stepped out of the shadows and into the light. It was a man, his face hidden my a hood, but brought forth by luminous yellow eyes. I gasped, and stepped back into the void, but my perspective hadn’t changed, it was as if I hadn’t moved at all.
    “I have a lot to explain young man, please be silent.” His voice was more demanding now, I froze in place and stared at his now moving hand. It was seconds before it was engulfed in a blue flame that danced about wildly but did not burn him. He then thrust his arm forward, shooting the ball of flame towards me. It landed only a few feet in front of me, and began growing, and shaping itself into something that looked human like, but at the same time far from living.
    “This is a product of the darkness, a Darkchild.” The man paused yet again, giving me a few moments to look the creature he called a 'Darkchild' over. Its features were grotesque, its jet black hair was long and matted, its eyes burning red, streams red light seemed to follow them as it jerked and moved about. It had no lips, only darkened gums with hundreds of razor sharp teeth in perfect line inside its slobbering mouth. Unbearable screams and moans escaped it when it moved, and it thrashed its arms about in a uncontrollable manor. It was dressed in wrappings that resembled an Egyptian mummy only they were as dark as the rest of its features. A black smoke escaped from the gaps in its clothing. The most defining feature was a large oval ruby in the center of its chest, which had red streams moving outward on its torso like veins. The man spoke again.
    “These Darkchild will not hesitate to kill you, you in turn must also not hesitate to kill them.” I still stood, confused as ever, staring blankly at the man and his newly conjured ‘Darkchild’, I did not know what was going on.
    “Young man, it is your task to destroy the Darkchild, and their master.” What?, I thought to myself why is it my task?, why do I have to destroy them?, I am just a financial advisor, im barely out of college, I just wanted to settle down and start my life.
    “Young man, if you do not destroy them, they will consume your world like many others before yours.” My brain couldn’t process what he was saying, I gathered my courage and spoke.
    “How am I supposed to complete this task?” The man did not answer, he only moved forward and raised both hands, he slowly opened them to reveal two small objects that looked like marbles, one was black and the other was white, he spoke to me again.
    “Open your hands, you will use these to defeat them.” I listened as he spoke and raised both arms, and the objects floated over to me. I took one in each hand and closed my fingers around them. They felt warm, but cold at the same time, the sensation was very different from anything I’ve felt before. I stared at the man, he only stared back, as if waiting for something. I looked at my hands again and as I began to raise them black fabric shot out of either side of my closed fist and engulfed my forearms. I was startled but I only watched as they appeared to look the same as the wrappings on the Darkchild. On the top of each hand the objects were now embedded in the fabric.
    “These are your weapons, a weapon ages old and a weapon of your world.” The man raised his arm again, another blue flame shot towards me, this time splitting in two and striking each hand. I looked down, appearing in my right hand was a sword, polished silver blade, and black handle. In my left hand a pistol appeared, it was white with a black grip. I swung the sword, it seemed to be weighted perfect for me, I had never held a sword before, but I was able to manipulate this one with ease. I raised the pistol and glanced at the man, I saw him nod and i fired the weapon. A stream of white light shot from it, I could actually see the bullet as it speed into the darkness.
    “Now young man, you must go, she is in danger, you must save her, she knows of your visit here, for I have spoken to her also” The door began to open no sooner than he finished speaking. I ran for it, hoping it wold take me right to her, I spoke aloud as I ran for the door.
    “Hold on Sarah, Im coming!”

Author's Note

lets hear what you link. All crits are welcome, should i write more.

Reviews

[Kloud_Nine]

Hm, an interesting start. The detail you give us on trhe Darkchild is great - I got the creepy picture. I don't know, in some ways this reminds me of Devil May Cry and that's a good thing, hell, that's an awesome thing, thhat game's bad a*s. Hopefully your main character is bad a*s too. I'll be checking up in the future, don't hesitate to send a read request my way, Brutis.

Good luck!

[AJChallenger]

"Show, don't tell." Try to avoid using "I" as the first word of the piece. Description is good, but sprinkle it throughout. Don't tell us all the detail in the very beginning. Also, the dialogue is a bit stiff. I also don't know who is speaking when. This is a good start, though. I think you've really got something going for you.

The detail is very good. The one thing that is a problem is your use of different tenses. You start off in present tense and then you suddenly switch to past tense. A bit confusing, and frustrating for the reader.

"The man paused yet again, giving me a few moments to look it over. Its features were grotesque, its jet black hair was long and matted, its eyes burning red, streams red light seemed to follow them as it jerked and moved about. It had no lips, only darkened gums with hundreds of razor sharp teeth in perfect line inside its slobbering mouth." -With these lines you say that he is a man, and describe him as a 'he' first. But then you go about calling the man "it". You should either say that he is a monster or a man, and use either 'he' or 'it'.

But so far, so good.