The Abomination

A very short story based upon David Cronenbergs The Fly that I wrote for a school assignment

The sky was a clear blue and the air was warm that Tuesday afternoon, the perfect day for a picnic. Maddy and Chase spread their blanket over the emerald grass and began laying out their lunch. The birds sang cheerfully as they ate and looked out over the sparkling water of the nearby lake. It was a good day, they thought.
When all the food had been eaten, Maddy and Chase lay down side by side on their blanket and looked up into the cloudless sky. Then a tall dark something caught Maddys eye: The Laboratory. She hadn’t realized they were so close to it. Situated up on it’s lonely hilltop, the crooked building gave Maddy the creeps. The stories about the place were even worse than the look of it, although neither Maddy or Chase believed what they had heard. Mostly old wives tales of children going missing up there, never to be found. A few ghost stories as well. But Maddy and Chase knew it was all talk; the place had been abandoned for decades. But still...
Maddy shuddered and sat up. It’s just a building, she told herself, there’s nothing there. Chase sat up and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“Are you alright?”
Maddy nodded. “I didn’t realize we were so close to The Lab, the place just gives me the willies.”
Chase craned his neck around to get a glimpse of the place and shrugged.
“The place is empty sis, nothing to be afraid of there.”
“I know that, just the look of it is enough to make my skin crawl. I don’t like it.”
“I dare you to go inside.”
“Never!”
“I dare you!”
“You’re insane.”
“But you said yourself that the stories aren’t true, so what have you got to be scared of sis? Come on, I dare you to go inside. Just for a minute.”
Maddy sighed, “Just for a minute!”
Chase nodded and watched her as she stood and began walking toward the crooked building on the top of the hill. It wasn’t far off and she arrived at the broken down door to the place within minutes. Maddy paused for a moment before she stepped over the splintered bits of the door and into the building.
She stood in a long hallway lined with doors, many of which stood open or hung off their hinges. She counted them as she made her way down the hall until she reached one door that was quite different from the rest. It was larger and made entirely out of iron and it didn’t seem to have a handle, but the most peculiar thing about this door was that it was covered from top to bottom with small metal crucifixes. They looked as though they had been welded to the door quite haphazardly, in no particular pattern or form, and no two crosses looked the same. It was the strangest thing she had ever seen. Slowly she reached a hand out to touch a small crucifix that was placed just where the door knob should have been, and when she did it sunk into the door like a button and with a deep moan the door swung inward to reveal the room hidden beyond.
Maddy stepped into the darkness beyond the door, turning her head this way and that, but she could not see a thing. Shrugging she turned to leave, but before she had even taken a step the door slammed itself shut with a resounding bang! that vibrated the very particles of her being. She slammed her hand against the door but the inside surface was smooth; no crucifix button to be found. Just then a dim light flickered on behind her. Maddy turned to see a figure illuminated by the flickering light. The figure was tall, seven feet at least, and wore a lab coat that looked as though it could have been white once but was now the color of old rust and dirt. It had it’s back to her, but Maddy was sure it was a man. “Excuse me?” she called softly. No response. “Excuse me, sir?” The figure twitched and raised its head slightly. Maddy took a deep breath and spoke louder, “Please sir, can you help me?”
The tall figure twitched again and then slowly began to turn toward Maddy. A strange clicking noise seemed to be emanating from it as it jerked and twitched and finally came to face her.
“Please sir, I’m afraid I am quite lost and...” Maddy’s voice trailed off into nothing as the figure stepped toward her and the flickering light illuminated its face. It was not a man at all! She did not think the thing was even human! And indeed it was not, rather it was a giant insect with all the proportions and habits of a man, but all the arms and legs and eyes of a fly!
Maddy pressed herself flat against the smooth metal of the door as the thing moved closer to her. Its lab coat fell away to reveal many more spindly legs and a pair of grotesque transparent wings. Its head twitched to and fro as it observed her, its mighty maw clicking open and closed. Maddy squeezed her eyes shut as the thing-this abomination-drew closer still. And then it was upon her. She did not even have time to scream.

Author's Note

Criticism is much appreciated if it is of the constructive kind

Reviews

[Dean Kuch®]

I once sneaked in to a reputedly haunted old asylum that reminds of this old, crooked building in your story. Although Idid hear and experience some strange phenomenon, thank goodness it was nothing as compared to what poor ol' Maddy ran across! Great story, thaks for sharing it with us...

[Ysabeaux Feather]

Thank you!

[0AudreyClaire0]

Wow, that was really good! I definitely was not expecting the ending. It was done very well. It was a very enjoyable, suspenseful and creepy story. Good job. :)
-Aud

[Ysabeaux Feather]

Thanks a lot!

[Bare trees]

A very entertaining story I enjoyed. Your description at the end of what maddy saw when he turned around was great. The dialog ws also good and added a bit of tension to it.

I have no criticism but only to say I'm not sure if you need an exclamation point in the sentence "the door slammed itself shut with a resounding bang! that vibrated the very particles of her being." Perhaps 'bang' would be better being the word is placed in the middle of the sentence and not the end.

Also "but she couldn not see a thing." Either take out the n, or make it a contraction~couldn't see a thing.

Good story, I'll be reading more in the future

[Frankie]

Wow! Very well written, and so tense. I was gripped, and I love the language you've chosen. Your writing has a unique voice that I enjoy reading. :)

[Mark Emerson]

i like it the beginning was misleading but once it got started it was good