The Suitcase

CHAPTER 1

Chapter One ; The suitcase

Oh how I wish to never feel pain like this in my life ever again. Im on the edge, im two bottles in and I cant remember when my last meal was. I dont know how many ciggarettes I've smoked all I do know is it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I cant get up. This doesnt feel right anymore, I dont want life anymore. I wish I could rewind to a time when I was happy, when everyday was sunny and everyday I was ready to conqure the world. I wish I knew exactly how to make things better but I'm checking my phone and I haven't gotton a call from you in months and I know that I am not your frist thought when you wake up in the morning anymore. I feel empty as I watch you slip right away from me. I lost control of the wheel and I' so sorry I wasnt enough for you. I will never sleep the same ever again.

What the f**k went wrong, we are two individuals who cant even stand to be in the same room next to each other again. We are only loving out of spite. I have so many demons inside and secrets I could never let you know. You once gave me strength but now you are my weakness. Its been awhile since we last spoke, how even are you? I only get your voicemail and sometimes I just listen to that to hear your voice again. I cant stand the thought of you not loving me anymore, I feel you  slowly forgetting me but I could never forget your face. All these years I watched you watch everyone else except me. I was just another ciggarette to your lips. I cant love you anymore...we are two toxic people living off eachothers toxins. You fill me with poison and i stab you every single day. How did we even ever think this was love or that we could've been married? Well, we were never going to get married were we? I'm trying to fill this empty space, and now im 3 bottles in and I have no idea who you even lay next to at night anymore. I shouldnt care though, because you dont care. You never cared, I was just your company on your rainy days.

I'm staring at these four walls that surround me, and I'm sitting in the middle of the floor and there's s**t everyday, broken dishes, clothes, and abandoned moments. I'm sorry it has to be like this, I look at you and see everything I'm letting go and it kills me to let it all go but its for the better.  Please help me, don't let me pack these bags on my own, I just need to hear "i love you." one last time, guide me in the  right direction please, please don't f*****g walk away.  I start to fill my suitcase, and the tears are flowing down my face. Here we are sitting in a broken home, we once walked these floors laughing and with happiness, now its just broken glass everywhere trying to avoid another cut. F**K. I'm crying i promised myself I wouldn't let this liquor hit me like this, not right now, not today. I don't even care anymore what's inside this suitcase, I'm just going to throw in what i can. Everything is being left behind. Tell everyone coming home....

This was never a home. It was such a dark place, full of dirty laundry, depression, and fighting. We pretended it was a home, but it was just a roof over our heads. I'm sorry the truth hurts right now doesn't it? I wish i never told you things, I wish i never ever ever LOVED  you in the ways that i did. Shame on me. I know its hurting you too, I watch you sleep every night and I stay awake in and out of the kitchen, smoking another cigarette. You look so much happier when you're sleeping. Its 3 in the morning, my bags are packed and we havens had a good nights sleep in days. As we fill up the car, and just drive we have no destination, we are just driving. The radio is playing, the windows are down and the late September air flows through my hair and kisses your cheeks. You're crying and I am crying but we aren't speaking. Say something please. I wish i could just drive this car off a bridge right now and just end all of this pain and fear I'm feeling. I'm not sure where life is going to take me after this, I don't know where me and my suitcase will end up in life. Will everything be okay? Will i ever love again? It all sounds so hard and so impossible right now. I know we both can do better, I know this isn't what either of us want or need.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you." You fell out of love with me, but i sat there loving and loving when it was never going to get anywhere. I hope no girl in this world ever feels pain like this. I wish for every girl in this world to be loved the same way they love. I wish I could make everyone's heartbreak mended. Don't give up. This isn't the end to my story, i need to stop drinking about you but its all so warm to my heart. We are going to be okay, and this pain and sorrow will end..  When you told me you didn't love me anymore I felt my whole body shut down, I felt like I lost my entire world in one phrase. How could you? Why did you stop loving me? Why was nothing every good enough for you. All you do is give me constant red lights. I just need a green light and to walk away.... I should've known, I should've known this fairytale would end, that it was never a forever kind of thing. I should've known that I couldn't ever give you what you needed anymore. Baby girl, I'm packing my bags, and I'm leaving, I wish you the best in this life and I will always have love for you, but this chapter in my life has come to an end.

Reviews

[BlackPrince]

No matter what hurt we went through because of our own fault or others' fault, we should value our life which is a miraculous blessing, precious and beautiful. Out of a billion of daddy's sperm and mama eggs combining we were the chosen ones. We are here to contribute in our role on Earth, no matter our small it may be. Even making a stranger smile is a part of that role of contributing love in the universe.
We have a Creator who loves us so much more than we realise. He's everywhere in the flowers, the animals, the ocean, the fruits and trees, the air we breathe.
Our Creator says, who by worrying can add a single hair to their head or a single year to their life? He also said, why do you worry for clothes or food? Look at the colourful flowers of the fields! Even Salomon in all his glory couldn't look as spending as those. Look at the birds of the sky! They neither till or plough, and yet they're constantly and consistently fed.
How much more we humans that He gave breath, intelligence, free-will, a mind and spirit that manifest creative things that we see around us through people's ideas!

We have to value our life
and never succumb to material desires and immoralities that, in turn, lead to depression and suicidal thoughts.