Her secret tore me apart

Short story I wrote in high school in a creative writing course.

It wasn’t until my mother gave up completely on herself where I found myself slowly giving up as well. Life made me tired; it was almost as if there wasn’t enough hours in the day to sleep and enough days to actually sleep. My sleeping medication has been sitting on my shelf now for months but I refuse to touch it. I felt like I didn’t need a “pill” to help me in life or to keep me happy, but my mother was fond of medication taking.
                Two years ago I found out my “mothers secret” she was in love with drugs more than she even was with her own husband and family. She loved them more than she could or even tried to love herself. I learned my mom’s bad habits, watched her get sick at least 3 times out of the week. She wasn’t human; she was lifeless yes, but not feeling less. Mom left at hours of the night without even saying bye, she even left for days sometimes and didn’t come home for a long period of time making it even harder for me to sleep at night. I never knew where she was, what she was doing or who she was with but I knew why. Nights like those, I wish I wasn’t even living.
                My mom wasn’t always like this. In fact she was one of those down to earth mothers that believed in the whole “follow your dreams” motto. She was completely healthy and happy. I suppose it’s usually people like this that fall under the wrong crowd in high school, or meet the wrong people at the wrong time and end up making a choice like my mothers. Well I guess that theory is right, but my mom simply was caught up in her own sins. My little sister Emily passed away only at the age of 4 years old, she was sick and we couldn’t save her. My mom tried so hard to keep her healthy while she watched her little four year old fighting her sickness. The weaker Emily got, the weaker mom got each and every single day. When Emily finally came to her death about six months later it was like my mom came to her death too. Not only did I lose my sister, but I felt as if I lost my mom as well. My mom came out of the hospital room where Emily had been staying and told me she passed away. Tears filled our eyes, she didn’t tell me any details she just told me “it was time” and I never knew what she meant by that….
                It has been 3 years now since Emily’s death and I still hear my mom cry at night when she thinks I’m sleeping but like I said I don’t sleep. I know the drug addiction is because of Emily’s death, I just don’t know why my mom such a beautiful independent women would want to harm herself for something she couldn’t control. I tried to help my mother, we went through everything to help her and get her better. I even asked friends to influence my mom into going into rehab and persuading her not to worry about me and that I would be safe with them. It wasn’t till she finally came through and gave in that it was too late to save her. We joined my mom into special groups with other people who need help and somebody to consul in but she quit two weeks later. When my mom was finally in rehab for a month, completely clean of no drugs in her body causing her to become sick to the heart, she discharged and started back up within three weeks after she left…
                I fought to save her; I almost went crazy and started blaming myself. I almost was becoming so mad at myself for the fact I couldn’t keep her happy the way Emily seemed to have. I looked at old pictures of my mom when she was happy and actually healthy I just want the women, that mom back. My mom hated speaking of Emily’s death but I needed almost something to break conversation with her. I felt as if maybe talking about Emily and explaining to her that it wasn’t her fault would help her and encourage to stop her drug abuse but it didn’t if I even started to slightly mention her name my mother said “ I have errands to do…talk later?” it never really was a question to talk later though. I know she didn’t care. As I sit up in my room alone I cry in the darkness, letting the pain just run from my eyes. I felt like somebody was taking tiny needles and stabbing me one by one with them and I was actually crying blood instead of tears. I hated moms “secret” every little thing about it made my stomach curl and swirl like on a roller coaster
                As time past, the usual continued. I found me and my mom not even speaking at all anymore. I was angry with her and I almost didn’t care now if the drugs killed her. In my head, why do something harmful when there is a way out and better solution? Apparently my mom just couldn’t answer that… I came home from school, throwing my bag onto the floor and the mail on the couch. The mail was never checked it’s been piling up for months, I should just give up on bringing it in, like my mom gave up on life. I heard nothing in the house. It was quiet, almost so quiet I thought I heard my heart pounding a few times but it was just an illusion. I Walk up the hallow stairs “mom?” I yelled out for her but she was nowhere to be found. I searched the entire house. I almost forgot why I was looking, she always does this leaves and disappears so why was I searching? Searching for some hope that made ill find my old mom again? I walk out the back door to see her sitting by the pool. We haven’t cleaned our pool in so long; algae and muck completed it from the deep bottom to the rising edge. I make my way towards my mother slowly, I think I heard my heart again… “Mom!” She ignored me as if she didn’t even hear anything but I know she did I wasn’t that far in the distant. I climb onto the deck of the pool where she was sitting and sit next to her, her body was cold as ice and looked so pale I wanted to vomit. She was sick again, at least she looked beyond ill and out of my controlling this time, I swear I saw my mom’s death coming. “You know… ill always hate myself…” she stuttered…
“No mom, you can’t hate yourself, you need to stop this look at y-“
Before I could finish my sentence a tear slipped down my moms boney scared cheek, of what used to be rosy and colored. “I did it….. I killed Emily….. It’s my fault she isn’t here sitting with us right now! I pulled the chord… I couldn’t look at her like that anymore every damn day I just couldn’t do it” Moments later, my mom collapsed to the floor and i found myself holding her crying for her last breath. She overdosed.