the moment i realized you didn't define who i was was the moment i found myself without you

maybe there was a reason we didn't work.

maybe it wasn't that we were on opposite sides of the world.

maybe it wasn't because we didn't try hard enough.

maybe it wasn't because we didn't love each other. 

because we did.

it might have been the fact we saw the world completely different.

if i had to take a guess,

that would be it.

and that's what breaks my heart,

and what ultimately fixed it.

at first, it was nice we were so different.

we were at different times in our lives.

we had experienced the same things,

yet somehow our lives at this point were more different than day and night.

and it didn't work.

whereas i prefer storms and cold,

you prefer sunny days and warmth.

when i saw the beauty in the old and used and dirty,

you found beauty in the already beautiful.

and it worked for a while.

all the cities that i loved,

were the ones you hated.

all the songs that made you happy,

were the ones that made me sad.

all the things that once worked didn't anymore.

we found solace in a city that never slept.

we found middle ground around a band and a boy.

we found a person that understood us more than we understood ourselves.

we found each other, when all odds were against us.

but we also lost ourselves.

eventually, we didn't work. 

eventually we lost ourselves trying to become the people the other needed.

eventually we grew tired and confused,

forgetting everything we promised.

eventually we fell apart quicker than we came together.

i tried everything i could to get to where you were in life.

i tried to fast forward four years of my life.

i tried to grow up too fast.

i tried to make you happy by trying to get to you.

i tried to be someone that i'm not.

eventually i hated sunny days.

i hated the warmth and only took refuge in the coldest nights.

things that were naturally beautiful made me angry.

things that were ugly and used and dirty made me numb.

the cold nights and storms were the only things that made me feel like myself again.

all the cities that you hated are now on my bucket list.

all the cities that you loved are now on my blacklist.

all the songs that you used to put on repeat are now etched inside my mind,

reminding me of all the things we didn't say.

all the songs that i loved are different now.

the city that we shared became a bittersweet memory that will haunt me forever,

the decision to ever go back without you still unclear.

the boy and the band are more of a habit than a passion now.

and the blood stains are just a reminder of who i was.

now i'm busy trying to find who i was before.

who i was before is not who i am now.

i've lived and loved and learnt in these two years.

two years, two fights,

and i'm finally done trying to be who everyone thinks i should be.

not just you, but everyone.

i'll never feel warmth anymore with the same skin.

i'll never smile at pretty things anymore with the same lips.

i'll never listen to those songs with the same ears.

i'll never see my city again with the same eyes.

i'll never love anything with the same heart.

the moment we fell apart,

was the same moment i fell apart.

the moment i lost you,

was the moment i lost who i thought i was.

the moment i realized you didn't define who i was was the moment i found myself without you.

Reviews

[Harmartia Poe]

"and that's what breaks my heart,
and what ultimately fixed it."

This is so heart felt and real. Girl, you've got a way with words :)

[BrookeValerio]

Thanks babe! So do you! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the journey in the poem.
"the moment i realized you didn't define who i was was the moment i found myself without you."
Hard to learn what we truly need. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote