MISTAKES

I understood well.  It hurt so bad though that now I regretted what I’ve done. I called Gaara…. Nothing. Zabuza? Still nothing. Near? He answered.

            “Ha-ha how’s it going?”

            “I did something awful. I didn’t mean to it just happened.”

             He was hesitant, “I’ll be over in a few.”

 

*                                     *               *                      *

Click I heard the phone beep telling me that the conversation was over. I waited outside. Still staring at the mess. It looked awful. I thought back to when I did it the last time. Seventh grade. It didn’t look this bad though. This deep. Covering my wrist. I needed help that I knew for sure. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of wheels rolling on the rough concrete. The squeak of the board informed me that Near was here.

He stared at me, “You shouldn’t do that.”

I sighed looking at the ground then my wrist, “I know.”

“So why did you do it then?”

“Issues?”

“Like?”

“Family, school, and other stuff.”

“You need help.”

Again I sighed, “I know.”

I felt my eyes swell as tears walked to the edge of my face jumping at my chin.

“You should take care of that. Hide it/ we don’t need the issues to build.”

“Ok”

“Let me help.”

*                                     *               *                      *

When everyone turns to look at my arm, it feels like the eyes of the world are upon me... The whispers burned my ears making the pain worse…… I pulled my sleeve down farther and farther. Making it look like they were devouring my arms. The pain was unbearable. Mainly when my friend would touch my arm. I had to act like the pain didn’t exsist. Sadly it did.

I felt as if everyone knew besides Near and me. Even though I knew for sure they didn't. Hiding it was hard. It being summer and all.

As I pulled it tighter, the bandage slips through my fingers. Grasping the bloody bandage seems more like a challenge each time. I lock it down and as soon as I let my hand drop, the bandage unfolds showing the world what I've done.

"Mr. Ryan can you possibly open a window?" I asked fanning my face with my History 11 book.

"I don't know if it will help but I sure can."

"Thanks."

Gaara turned around. "You have been acting different."

I was hesitating to answer, "How so?"

"You always wear T-shirts. Now you’re wearing sleeves. And if your left arm is touched you freak out."

I knew I needed to tell her. "If I tell you will you please swear no one will find out?"

"I swear."

I pulled my sleeve up. The shock in her face made me realize I didn’t just hurt my self, but Gaara as well.

*                       *    *

You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and everyone around is affected? Well that’s how it is. Even though I hurt me, all my friends are now hurt, worried, and confused. I wanted people to understand. Not to be in pain.

They don't trust me alone. They search my things. Taking anything I could use, that way I don't do it again. But I don't like this. I mean there is no trust left between me and my friends. Well all except Kira. She is the only one who doesn't know.

"You need to tell her," Near says as we walk towards my house.

"I can't. She will hate me. And worry. You guys already took my space. She would take everything else. I just can't."

"So you want her to remain clueless of the situation? Unaware that her best friend is possibly suicidal?"

"I am not suicidal. Not even close. I made a mistake. And from the way you talk you have made your share of them to."

"Yes but that is different."

"How is that different?"

"It... It just is ok. It’s better for you to live on in this world."

"Oh in a world where I am forgotten. Full of mess ups. All I do is screw up. I couldn't even stay fateful to him."

"Again a mistake was made but that doesn't mean a thing."

"It does to me. I remember when he did this to me. I was angry. And hurt. But this time he is the one hurt. He claims that he isn't mad at me. But I know Naruto too well. He is."

"Again you weren't thinking. You were vulnerable. Things happen. We move on. And if he is so hurt then why does he still love you. Yes he knows its over but he still loves you. He calls everyday just to hear your voice. He is hungry for it. It’s a need. Not a want."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I choked on the words urging to pour out. Tears fell. I felt ashamed of myself.

*                         *                           *                  *

When I got to my house I was quiet. No one was home quite yet. I knew that I could cry, but that if I did it would only give in to the pain. Letting it take over. I needed Naruto. I needed his voice, his touch.

I needed Kakashi. The fact that he lived here made me want him more. I missed him. Even though I shouldn't. He is the kind of need that shouldn't exsist, but sadly does. His soft and sweet kisses. The way he held me.

I felt the goose bumps rising from there hiding stop on my arms and legs. It’s cold. I pulled the sleeve down father, whinsing in pain as it brushed the six large cuts on my arm. Stupid bandage.

I wrapped it for hours last night. My mom was watching. She knew.

When a mom is worried you can tell. It eats a hole in your heart making you aware of the pain. Never filling only growing. It burns. Just like the whispers at school.

*                         *                     *                  *

I knew sooner or later I would need to tell Kira. But if I did it would kill her. This isn't like when you accidentally get a cut and you need help. This is self inflicted. That means you really need help. Not just talking but therapy. You should be isolated. That’s what Kira did to me in Seventh. She took me everywhere she went. I was never left alone.

That’s what they are doing now. I don't like it. It makes me feel like a caged animal. Told when to eat, drink, and to do a trick. Good girl they would say. I hate the feeling. Now I know how my dog must feel. Told what to do and when. How. The only thing is I could say no and lose them. But listening all the time reminds me of school. Even though I hardly do.

The looks get worse when people start to figure it out. What a freak..... What a loser.... I was told she did this all because of some guy......

Yup they definitely knew....Only thing is, I didn't do this from a guy. No. I did it because of my "family". Constantly comparing me to her. Always saying I need to do it this way. No I need to do it the way I want! I hate it there. I’m always alone. Unless Near comes over. I’m always scared.

I have a thought every now and then. Saying my life would be better if I was smaller, nicer, and followed the "it" crowd. That the normal shy, freaky girl isn't what people want. 

They hate freaks. They'll continue to hate you unless you change. Dye your hair. Pierce your lip, nose, and add a few to your ear. Cut your jeans, wear skimpier tops. Do what you shouldn't not what’s right.

That’s what they want? I don't think so. I mean if they did then my friends wouldn't like me. They wouldn't by me clothes that were exposing more then my stomach; they wouldn't let me keep my hair the same bloody red. They wouldn't like the fact that every other word that leaves my mouth is f**k. They don't care. And neither does Naruto and Kakashi. They like/ love me for me.

*                                 *                            *

"So hey weird girl?"

"My name is Sakura."

"Whatevs. What’s up with the freaking arm bands?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Ummmm.... Duh that’s why I asked," she giggles to her friends who also happen to ask.

"Why the f**k do you care?"

"Well I don't. But what your wearing isn't all to fashionable," again her friends giggle as if they knew she needed them to.

"Leave me alone. You don't care. And also who says they are a fashion don't when the shirt your wearing is so last year," I wasn't all into fashion so it kind of shocked me when she responded.

"Girls is she telling the truth?"

The first one answered, "Um we thought you knew."

The second one just bursted into laughter.

And that’s how this next part starts.....

I hear the bell. I let a sigh of release come across my lips. sadly I wasn't paying to much attention. 

"Hey watch it.... Oh hi Sakura."

"Sorry Kakashi. I guess I’m a little out of it."

"Apparently. You ok?"

"Ya I'm uh fine."

The three girls rushed by me knocking all my things to the ground. I sighed, put my hair behind my ear, and get to the ground.

"Hey are you ok?"

I knew if I looked up he would see that I had started crying. "I'm fine."

He got down and started picking my things up. "You don't have to do this."

"Well I'm going to."

He helped me up and walked me to my locker. "Thanks." I said hugging him.

"Anytime love."

I walked away… I need to stay away from him. Just until I know what’s going on. I’m already confused; he’ll just complicate things even more. Even though he already has.

*                                 *                                *        *

After school I sat out front waiting for Sasuka and Near. I looked around… I noticed everything a little clearer. My thoughts and nerves finally relaxed…

“Sakura!” Kakashi said lifting me up.

“Jesus Christ! Kakashi you scared the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said laughing.

I turned around to get a hug. His hands gripping my waist. My arms wrapped around his neck.

“Sadly I have to go…,” he said slowly releasing his grip. This made me get all tingly. I could feel the once sleeping goose bumps awake and rise to greet me.

“Um ok… Text me?”

“Love to.”

We let go of each other. As he left I felt the same way I did when he picked my things up. Loved… Wanted… Happy… That’s also how I felt that day we kissed. Everything was perfect… Until I remembered Naruto… The silence on the other side. Now I knew how he felt when it was me. The way he held those tears back when I said it was over. It was horrible. The pain unbearable. Just like the pain in my arm…

*                                  *                           *             *

So everyone makes mistakes. I mean all normal people do. It’s human. We have to. But as soon as one is made, everyone finds a way to tease and hurt the person more than the mistake did.

Near says they only do it because they know eventually they will make the same mistake. I just nod.

“Have you seen Akadou?”

“Nah. Maybe he’s home sick.”

“I hope not…”

“Why?”

“I need to talk to him…”

“Oh. What about?”

“Uh… Girl stuff.”

“Oh? Ok?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you talk to Kira?”

“Because she just….. just won’t understand. She never does.”

“Hm… I see”

*            *                                        *                               *

“Hey Sakura.”

“Kakashi.” I said giving him a hug.

“Um what you doing after school?”

“Well Near, Sasuka and I were going to meet up. Why?”

“Well I kind of wanted to see if maybe you wanted to hang out.”

“Sure you can hang with us if you like. We’re meeting outside.”

“See you there,” he said letting his hand slowly slide down my leg.

Tingles rushed over me. I felt as if I may faint.

*                                    *                             *                                        *

 

“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Near said.

“It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have followed.”

The pain grew. Scratches covered the little room left on my arm. My back cut up like a cat’s scratching post. I couldn’t stop shaking. The tears continued to fall. Except they seemed more suicidal.

“It is though. Look at you… You’re a wreck. Even more then before. Your arm looks like you were pushed into a sea of knives. The back of your shirt torn. It’s like you build yourself up, but only to be torn back down.”

“Maybe it’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve to be happy after all that I’ve done. The world around me laughs at my pain like a child watching stupid cartoons.”

“You don’t deserve this. And the world isn’t laughing.”

“I thought he was different. He lied. And hide his true self. Only so that I would fall and that way I would stay broken.”

*              *        *                   *

I couldn’t stop crying, thinking. I couldn’t talk. I just hid.

Gaara and Zabuza found out.

"You need to stay the hell away from him love."

"Zabuza has a point please?"

"I will."

"Well just hate seeing you hurt. Guys are just jerks and he didn't deserve you anyway."

"Or was it the other way around. Maybe it was me who didn't deserve him."

"Your crazy Sakura. Who wouldn't like you. Your perfect."

"Ha-ha so perfect. I screw everything up. I don't even care what I look like anymore. I wish  was dead. How is that perfect?"

"Maybe when your happier your. Then you'll see what all of your friends see."

"Ha-ha happiness doesn't exsist to me anymore. I'm threw pretending rainbows and unicorns exsist. That may work for you guys but it doesn't for me anymore."

"Don't do that just because of some guy."

"Hello! Remember what he did to me. If it wasn't for Near I probably would have been raped. But thanks for caring you guys."

"We know what happened. And we know it’s serious. Just be thankful for the fact that someone was there to save you. Because for most girls no one is there to hear them scream or cry."

"But the fact that I have three times as many cuts as I did a week ago. People have already figured out the point of me being emo. They see these and they'll think I've gone crazy. I just can't."

"Who all knows?"

"You guys, Sasuke, and Near."

"You haven't told your mom?"

"No..."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I just got freedom. If she finds out she'll take everything away. I'll be out of school. I won't have anything."

"Just promise me you'll stay away from him?"

"I promise..."

"Good."

*                                   *   *        *

I walked home by myself. Near and Sasuke asked me not to but I didn't listen. I needed time and tons of it. I need space. I couldn't be touch without freaking out. People swore I had finally lost my mind. I have. I have reoccurring dreams about killing myself. And how I was going to do it. How bitter sweet the blood would taste. That sweet cherry red pouring out threw my neck. Down to my breast then my stomach. They killer licking the blood clean off me.  Then he'd lick the knife. 

Mhm your blood is sweeter then chocolate, but darker then cherries. Your soul has gone missing. You’re unloved and unwanted. We proved that. I want to save your blood. And drink it from here on out. Screw being a murder you'll be my last and taste the sweetest.

I know it sounds sexual at first just until the knife and blood part. But that’s how it needs to happen. I need a psycho. One crazier then me. Someone strong enough to slit this throat and drink thi blood. And exactly what He says they need to say.

I couldn't talk to Kakashi anymore. The images were too graphic. Did it hurt? Well more than anything actually. I mean I liked him. I knew if Naruto finds out he'll kill him he made that clear. I just couldn't tell him. Well not yet anyway.

I told Near about the dream. He says its nuts. That I'm getting crazier and crazier every time I feel that I have screwed up. And he was right. I have.

I have also hit rock bottom. Only thing is No one is down there waiting to catch me when I fall. I am on my own. And all I could do is fall.

*    *     *                                       *

“You’re not falling as fast and as far as you think. You never were alone. People were with you. Me, Zabuza, Near, and everyone else. You feel only alone because of all this happening. Honestly, I’ve felt alone a lot. Not many know… but I was abused as a child. By my own father. I can’t do things other people can because I have to hide from his family. I feel alone in it. I am not though… Neither are you. You may be falling, but I will try to catch you. Or at least cushion the bottom. I love you. Stay away from Kakashi… Be safe love. Be safe.”

I listened to the message for hours. Replaying it over and over and over again. I wanted to answer when she called. Just couldn’t bring myself into doing so. I understand what she is saying. Just I don’t want to listen. I know I should stay away from him I just can’t. I see him and all I want to do is run to his arms. And hear him say I didn’t mean to I just wasn’t myself. Sadly I only knew it was a lie. He can control his actions he chose not to.

I played the message again. The concern in her voice insured me that I wasn’t alone. I knew she was right. She knew me better then anyone. She knew what I went threw and helped me deal with it. I ran to her for everything. Only because if anything she would be the wisest. She wouldn’t lie to me. She was always up front. And no matter what I have done she has never ever given up on me, or lost faith. She made me feel safe. Only because I knew it would be her standing there if I was hurt. She would be the one to hurt the person dumb enough to mess with me. Just like I would do the same for her.

*                               *                                   *       *

I couldn’t sleep. The thoughts took over my mind. They controlled my actions. I felt like a puppet. My arm was swollen and red from irritation. These cuts my mom knew I hadn’t caused. She never asks if something is wrong. I never hear her voice unless I haven’t done my job right. She blessed my sister, but never me. To her I had no talents. I couldn’t do anything right.

I hated that about me. Sister could draw and write. I could sing and write. But she never noticed. Still doesn’t. We aren’t a normal family. We don’t so family functions. We never just hangout. It me in one room and sister and mom in the other. We didn’t even eat dinner together. I sat downstairs alone twenty-four hours. They sat up stairs.

That’s where the unwanted comes from…

*                                  *                                     *     *

“So I didn’t walk away when he said hi.”

Gaara hits my arm. The one not completely eaten by scratches.

“Ow!”

“Your stupid. Don’t even make eye contact with that loser. He’ll just do it again. I’m only saying and doing this to protect you.”

“Ok. I’ll forget him. I won’t speak to him…”

“I’m sorry. I know it hurts but I can’t help unless you stay away from him.”

“But..”

“HE ONLY WANTS IN YOUR PANTS SAKURA!!!!!”

“I know.”

I looked at the table holding the tears back.

“I didn’t mean to yell… I’m just frustrated.”

“I understand.”

The bell rang. Telling the school its time to go to first period.  I wanted to skip. Not even go, but if I did that it would only make me look weak. I didn’t talk. I hardly even listened. I wanted to cry. But it was nearly impossible when forty students are all witnesses.

You couldn’t hide either. The bathrooms, hallways, and even the outside were full of people wanting to ask: Why are you crying? Or are you ok?

Well obviously I’m not. Tears stained my face. Changing it from pale to a bright red. My head pounds every time a tear left my eyes. My black eyeliner followed the river, then my eye shadow. Now I see why they called it The Trail of Tears.

*                                    *  *        *

At lunch it got easier. I could pull my jacket over my face and lay my head down. I cried. He had the nerve to talk to me, text me. I ignored it, then hit delete. I wish there was a button that you clicked to delete a person. I click it for him… then me.

*                                     *   *        *

As the days went on things got better. I still didn’t trust, and I still hurt. But like I’ve been told: With out pain you can live. And it’s true. I mean we need to get kicked in the face every now and then. We need problems pushing us around. Just like mistakes. Yeah it hurts, but at least you can fix them, learn from them.

I was smiling again. And not the fake happy one, but a genuine smile. I still had nightmares about Kakashi. He would chase me around and around almost getting closer, each time. Getting faster and faster. But he never caught up. He would reach for me but he wouldn’t grasp me.

*                                    *        *                                    *

“So how’s the giving up on guys’ thing working out for you?”

“Pretty good. I mean I still want to date; just maybe I’ll let the guy find me. You know.”

Near smiled, “Smart idea. He’ll find you; it would be hard to resist someone who is this caring about people.”

“Ha-ha true.”

We went our separate ways. I headed for the library, and he headed for well I don’t know.

The library was so quiet when I got there. I pulled a chair out and logged on to a computer. ‘Myyearbook’ was the first place I went…

*     *                                          *  *

“Go for it. You need to ask him out.”

“What happened to he should as me out?”

“He just said he was afraid to tell you he liked you. He only did because you told him first now go for it.”

“I’ll wait. The time will come when it’s ready.”

“It better be soon, cause to tell you the truth I like this version of Sakura way better then the depressed one we saw a week ago.”

“Eli just makes me happy. He complements me like I depend on it. I can’t say a negative thing around him or he disses himself. I don’t just like him Near… I think I love him…”

“Then go for it. You’ll never know unless you try.”

“Give me some time. I will ask. Just not yet.”

“Better or else.”

“I swear.”

 

The end!