chapter 7

My brain had a total meltdown. I forgot everything I shouldn’t have. Hyperventilate. Its takes control slowly making your freak out three times as big as it was before. Making you shake and scramble. Making all the thoughts in your head turn to Jell-O. Liquid and scrambled thoughts. That’s what its called. What people say starts to effect you more and more and your still scrambled.

Gr. Curse this journal I have. I guess I write in you more and more now. Your like my best friend. I can tell you anything and everything and you not have a mouth you can speak with. I can trust you. Hold you. Love you. Need you. Want you. But you cant love, trust, need, want, or hold me back. But you cant run away when I tell you the honest. You cant hide when your scared. You cant call my name when you are lost. But you can when I’m dead.

I slowly closed my journal letting each individual page shut. Watching the colors fly downward. Then cover shuts. I place it back onto the bookshelf next to the other journals I have filled with thoughts and stories. Pain and pleasure. Every once in a while I read them. Loving my pain and pleasures of the past. Loving my thoughts my dreams.  Anything in there I love.

‘Is the past really in the past or can the past be the future the present. Can love always come back or is it gone forever. Is love like the wind? There when you least expect it to be? Can it follow you or see you? Can it touch you? Love is like a room full of mirrors. You stumble to find the real image. But is there a real image or is just your imagination?’ �" Date 8/12/08 written by Ashley.

That is one of my favorites. I wish I had gotten the chance to show you my love. Jake you would have loved it. But there is always next time I guess. If there is a next time.

I let my head fall to my pillow and continued to let my thoughts fly out of my head letting them show the world their true colors. Showing the world that thoughts are meant to be told. Not stored away forever. They are meant to show that yes you as a person can dream and think and breathe and possibly anything you set your heart to doing.

I had a dream. I love writing and singing. I use to tell my mom that one day I’ll be so famous we won’t have to hurt anymore. That I will be able to fix everything and anything. That my songs and writings will change the world.

Unfortunate I don’t feel that way now. I hate myself. And all I can do. I hate my life. I hate how I’m tossed around. I hate how I am never enough. I hate how I let myself get used. I hate how I love my love and don’t see him but once every few nevers. The first was this week the next… we don’t know.

I feel the warm tears run down my face like a fugitive from the law. They grow faster and bigger blurring my vision. Swelling my eyes turning them pink. Shorting my breath. Hurting my mind.