Unfinished

Faintly torn
Keep me warm
Prancing like a mother's prey
But don't worry it's just another day
Poisoned by light
as I gently lay
I'm listening to your every breath
No, I'm not on Meth
Swelling my toes
with burning desire
That moves in different circles
I raise to those
who can thrill me
You aren't the man
I saw before
You did leave your shoes by the door
And by the way
your not welcome anymore
My story is told
and you are needed no more
You've pressured your brain
in a big trash heap
Change you mind shall we?
It must be easy to beat
My eyes begin to thicken
and my body grows heavier
and I know to what I'm stricken
My lungs fill with powder
and my heart does indeed go sour
All warmth exits
through one large exhale
Its locked out of my thoughts
As I greedily inhale
Shaken bitter to no remorse
and for me its a new course
That lies on the rusty
train tracks

Reviews

[Nina Marie]

Wow! Great write!

Hahaha, just for you 'Nessa.

Well this is really pretty, the "No I'm not on meth" Part is funny, I know it wasn't meant to be though xD
"You aren't the man
I saw before
You did leave your shoes by the door
And by the way
your not welcome anymore
My story is told
and you are needed no more"
I'd say that has to be my favorite little segment, I'm not quite sure why... >.<
"My lungs fill with powder
and my heart does indeed go sour
All warmth exits
through one large exhale
Its locked out of my thoughts
As I greedily inhale"
That part too, hehe =D It's all pretty easy to relate to, which makes it's great.

[Elizabeth]

I love the rhyme scheme and the pace... it's not contrived at all. It flows natutally. And the last line is killer.

[Barbara Walker]

I really like the rhythm of this piece. Interesting rhyme scheme. I like the entire poem, wouldn't change a thing! Barbara

[Pink Poison]

Another great poem....wow, you are VERY talented.

[Vanessa]

I think I'll stab the next person that says "great write". Since when did write become a noun??
Anyway, this really is fantastic. I love this and that's all there is to it.
I'd give you some long explanation, but that's really all there is. Fantastic.

[Berserker[Diktator Von ..]

Wow..there are a lot of hidden emotions in this piece...great job..it was very well written..i liked the rusty train track part..great job!