Sean White and The Seven Delinquents

Sean White, a recently dumped bum, secretly enters a group of juvenile delinquents into a show choir competition to win money to pay his rent and win back his girl.

COLD OPEN

EXT. ROCKWALL CHRISTIAN ACADEMY

A crowd of STUDENTS gather around the front of Rockwall Christian Academy. They are LAUGHING. SEAN WHITE, 18 years old with a shaggy appearance, pushes through the crowd. He makes it to the front and grins.

Above the front doors is the school's name, except now it reads "COCKWALL CHRISTIAN ACADEMY"

Sean glances at this classmates and chuckles along with them, beaming with pride.

Suddenly a hairy hand reaches out and grabs Sean by the ear and begins dragging him through the students.

SUPERIMPOSE: ROCKWALL CHRISTIAN ACADEMY -- ARIZONA -- 1999

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Sean sits in a small principal's office that's decorated accordingly. On his desk, amongst the papers and clutter, is a phone and a bowl of spaghetti. PRINCIPAL HALL, 46 years old and chubby with lobster red skin (a nasty sunburn), sits behind a large desk. He has a smudged brown stain on his white shirt.

PRINCIPAL HALL

I know your kind, Mr. White. Brilliant. Lazy. Somehow you managed to pass your way into your senior year. Wipe that grin off your face; I will not let you make a mockery of this school!

SEAN

To be honest, sir, if it only takes one letter to make the entire school a joke, don't you think it wasn't doing too hot to begin with?

PRINCIPAL HALL

This is an esteemed school! It's filled with the most prestigious teachers! We have received the National Blue Ribbon in Education for 5 years in a row!

2.

SEAN

If our school is so great, why do the hairnet ladies insist on cutting out pieces of carpet, coating it in grease, and selling it as pizza?

PRINCIPAL HALL

How dare you!

SEAN

I mean I know you hate it because everyday you bring your own lunch and spend your money on the teacher lounge's vending machine. Nutterbutters, right? I can tell because they're the hardest to open and there's a ginormous poop stain on your shirt. I mean it's literally screaming at me, even though you tried to hide it behind Mr. Roger's sweater.

Principal Hall stands up, angrily. The nerve of him! He reaches for the telephone on his desk.

SEAN

I wouldn't do that! I hear the wires have been cut and switched. Could make your Tuesday a bit of a shock.

Principal Hall slowly sits back down.

SEAN

It's just a senior prank, sir! Now where was I?

PRINCIPAL HALL

I am notifying your parents!

SEAN

Shh! Please, sir, I rehearsed this...

(remembering)

Right! Judging by your principal salary and the fact that you insist on getting your flu shots done by the school's "nurse," your snack was your last 5 bucks, right? You don't have to answer that. The amount in your wallet is already known.

So is the money in your bank account, which wasn't that hard to hack, by the way. Your mother's birthday as your password, sir? Sounds like true love to me. What would Jesus say?

3.

PRINCIPAL HALL

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

SEAN

One might say, "brilliant."

PRINCIPAL HALL

You won't get away with this. You will be severely punished!

SEAN

I suggest you put your effort into escaping from poachers who might mistake for the endangered white rhino.

PRINCIPAL HALL

I have been principal of this institution for 9 years! One more year and I earn a raise. And I will not have shitheads like you ruin my chances and my school of gentlemen and ladies!

CUT TO: FLASHBACK

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY

Sean and TWO MALE STUDENTS giggle excitedly to each other.

SEAN

Ready?

TWO FEMALE STUDENTS and LOUIE (17,Hispanic) round the corner...

As the boys pull down their pants, mooning the girls, who scream in disgust, while Louie grins, and stares over the top of his glasses, intrigued.

CUT TO:

4.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Sean makes a face. His classmates aren't all polite.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Do you know the kind of message you're sending with that prank?

(whispers)

You are telling the world that we SUPPORT that sort of thing!

Beat.

SEAN

(confused)

C***s, sir?

PRINCIPAL HALL

Yes, c***s! Flapping in the wind! What's next? Our girls wearing skirts above their knees? Letting our men sit on their faces? Ungodly! I won't have it!

SEAN

But sir, I didn't do it!

PRINCIPAL HALL

Bullshit, White!

SEAN

You have no proof. Besides, I can't even reach the school's name.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Yes...one would need a ladder from the janitor's closet.

SEAN

See! I don't even know where the janitor's closet is!

The office door swings open. It's MRS. FYLE, 45, with a "housewife" appearance. She tosses a small wallet on the desk.

MRS. FYLE

Found this in the janitor's closest.

She leaves. Sean sinks low in his chair.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Hmm, what is this?

5.

He grins devilishly; he's loving this.

PRINCIPAL HALL

(searching)

Oh a license! Sean Howard White. And what's this?

Principal Hall pulls out a small plastic bag of weed.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Is this pot?!

SEAN

No! It's...oregano!

PRINCIPAL HALL

(dubious)

Oregano?

SEAN

Yeah! All the kids carry spices! It's 'cause umm the school's lunches are so bad.

Principal Hall stares at the bag. He sniffs it. After a moment, he shrugs. He believes it.

He opens the bag and pours it over his spaghetti. Sean freezes. He opens his mouth to speak but then changes his mind.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Look, son, I know senior year is filled with more hormones than normal. But you have to see where I'm coming from, don't you, Mr. White?

SEAN

(distracted)

Umm yes, sir. But it was just a harmless prank.

Principal Hall mixes the weed in his spaghetti with his fork. Sean watches, mortified, yet slightly amused.

PRINCIPAL HALL

And it was pretty clever, I'll give you that.

He takes a bite of his food. He chews it. Pause. Finally he smiles. It's good. He keeps eating.

6.

PRINCIPAL HALL

But it was wrong, Mr. White. And you're in here all the time. Tell me, do you enjoy getting in trouble?

SEAN

I wouldn't say "enjoy"...I've just grown used to it. Like this desert heat, or the constant threat of terrorism.

Principal Hall takes a HUGE BITE OF SPAGHETTI. Sean looks at him with pity.

SEAN

(to himself)

Jesus...

PRINCIPAL HALL

Is a great man! Was a great man! Is! Was!

He looks confused and starts to laugh. Suddenly, he pulls himself together.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Jesus is a great man. But you, Mr. White, are a heathen. It's in your nature. You were born a hoodlum, you'll die a hoodlum, with only yourself to thank for the destruction.

He takes a deep breath in preparation. He's really feeling his speech now.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Matthew 10:28: And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell!

He composes himself and smiles warmly.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Do you understand?

SEAN

Um...yes. I mean I think so. I got lost in the middle...but um I found my way back.

7.

PRINCIPAL HALL

Great! Now let's call your folks, shall we?

Principal Hall reaches for the telephone. His body shakes and shivers and the lights flicker. Sean watches with exasperation.

INT./EXT. POLICE CAR

Sean sits in the back of a police car. Principal Hall, clearly under the influence, struggles to stand up straight, while Mrs. Fyle supports him. Principal Hall eyes' are in slits and his clothes are tattered; his hair stands on end.

PRINCIPAL HALL

I want him punished and thrown in jail! To the upmost highest of the magnetudistic jailtime security!

He laughs.

PRINCIPAL HALL

(to Mrs.Fyle)

What am I even saying?

The police car takes off as Principal Hall is heard LAUGHING in the distance

INT. POLICE STATION'S BOOKING ROOM

There's a flash as the camera takes Sean's mugshot. Sean quickly, and dramatically, blinks away the bright light.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION'S BOOKING ROOM

Sean rolls his finger in ink and gives his fingerprint while a POLICEMAN watches with a deep frown.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION'S BOOKING ROOM

Sean goes behind the camera to see his mugshot. He frowns at the photographer.

8.

SEAN

Ok, ok, pretty good, but I look so smug! Can we do it again? I'm trying to find a look that says, "Hello! I don't come here often...but I can if you want me to."

The policeman grabs Sean by the arm and drags him away.

INT. CHIEF OF POLICE'S OFFICE

OFFICER BONES, 45, tough - a Hulk Hogan lookalike, complete with mustache and hair - closes the door of his office with a sigh. Sean sits in a chair in front of Officer Bone's desk.

SEAN

Is all this really necessary? Chief of Police? Really? It was just a harmless senior prank! And for the record, I warned him not to touch that phone.

Officer Bones picks up Sean's file.

OFFICER BONES

Sean Howard White --

SEAN

The "Howard" is silent.

OFFICER BONES

(ignoring him)

18 years old. About to graduate high school. Congratulations.

SEAN

I try not to brag about it.

OFFICER BONES

Except you fucked it up, didn't you? Not going to lie, though. Changing the Rockwall sign to Cockwall? Classic.

Sean grins.

OFFICER BONES

But we were better. We hid alarm clocks in the ceilings so that it went off during the day. And nobody knew where it was coming from.

9.

SEAN

(to himself)

That's pretty good.

OFFICER BONES

Of course it was! Made the teachers go batshit crazy.

(leaning in)

You ever see a pudgy doe eyed guidance counselor go insane?

SEAN

No...

OFFICER BONES

It aint pretty. But of course we didn't get in trouble. Now you, you're stupid. Why? Because you got caught. Now I'm stuck with you and your case.

SEAN

Are you though? I can get out of your way so fast, ya know, just grab an extra copy of my mugshot, and bounce out of here...! I have --

He touches the arms of the chair to stand, and pulls his hand back quickly with the disgust. They're sticky and wet. He wipes them on his pants.

SEAN

--really learned my lesson.

OFFICER BONES

It's okay! I make it my choice to take up cases like this. I don't want you young people ruining your lives at such an early age. Really, just give yourself six years and marriage will do that for you. Until then, you will be stuck to me on probation for 6 months, doing community service.

SEAN

Let me get this straight. By helping me not to ruin my life, you're going to ruin my life?

OFFICER BONES

You're welcome.

10.

SEAN

This is ridiculous! You can't give me a sentence like that, I know my rights! Where is the judge? The jury? The reporters pulling up every little detail about my academic life just so they have an excuse to call me a thug?

OFFICER BONES

(laughing)

You forgot where you are, boy? This here is Rockwall, Arizona; the smallest town in this state!

He pauses and controls himself.

OFFICER BONES

If you really want to speak with the judge, my brother comes in tomorrow.

SEAN

(defeated)

Your brother?

OFFICER BONES

(grinning)

That's right! So 6 months it is, huh? After that, I promise you, you'll never want to return here again.

SEAN

(leaning in)

Oh trust me, you will never see my face again.

CUT TO:

EXT. POLICE STATION

Sean White, now 32 years old, stands outside the Police Station's entrance, clutching a flyer. He's tall, with a dirty homely appearance of crumpled clothes and messy hair. Next to him is Louie, now 30, flamboyant. Everything about him is pristine.

SUPERIMPOSE: PRESENT DAY

SEAN

(sullenly)

How'd it come to this, Louie?

11.

LOUIE

Well. You flunked out of college. Moved in with your parents til they kicked you out. And now you're about to be kicked out the apartment you live in with your ex-girlfriend because you said you have money to pay half the rent. Which is a lie, of course, because you've had four different jobs in the past year and a half. And you smell like cheese, which has nothing to do with your return here, it's just that you smell like Cheetos and it's been driving me crazy all day and I didn't know how else to tell you.

Beat.

SEAN

That was a rhetorical question, Louie.

INT. POLICE STATION

The police station has several desks, swarmed in papers. White boards covered with POLICE INFORMATION are scattered about the office. OFFICERS either sit at desks or converse around the space.

Sean and Louie walk into the station. They are immediately hit with the wind of a nearby fan. The flyer breaks free from Sean's grip and starts to float away. Sean runs after it. The flyer falls to the floor and we see:

ON FLYER: SHOWCHOIR COMPETITION! WANT TO WIN $5,000? ALL YOU NEED IS YOU AND 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN! **AGES 13-18 YEARS OLD.

Sean grabs the flyer and turns to see Louie using the fan to strike several poses - Covergirl/Next Top Model style. Sean watches for a moment.

SEAN

Control yourself.

Louie stops and Sean walks over to a desk where OFFICER LEE, 45, sits.

SEAN

I need to speak with someone, please.

12.

OFFICER LEE

Um...you are speaking with someone.

SEAN

No, someone of importance.

Suddenly, from behind Sean...

OFFICER BONES

Cockwall! Is that you?

SEAN

Oh dear God...

(whirls around)

She Bones, you're still living?!

Officer Bones is now 65, he's still built, still has the same mustache and hair, but now everything is gray and wrinkles have settled nicely on his face.

He scowls at Sean.

OFFICER BONES

Told you before it's pronounced "Shay." Don't come out of your face just because you're with your boyfriend.

Sean eyes the "Chief of Police" badge on Officer Bones. He winces.

SEAN

Crap, I'm going to have to talk to you, aren't I?

OFFICER BONES

Let's have a look at ya!

(studies Sean)

Still ugly huh?

SEAN

I was hoping in the next two years I suddenly would become really pretty and everyone would be like "oh s**t!" and freak out. Especially my mom.

OFFICER BONES

Have you come to visit me, Cockwall? And you bought your boyfriend too, how cute!

LOUIE

Thank you!

SEAN

Not my boyfriend.

13.

SEAN

I need to talk to you, in private.

OFFICER BONES

Nonsense! Whatever you need to say can be said right here!

There's a pause. Sean looks around,nervously.

SEAN

Um okay...

He clears his throat.

LOUIE

(rubbing Sean's back)

You can do it.

SEAN

(whispers)

Don't touch me like that, it's misleading.

(beat)

Okay, I'm here to ask you for your delinquents on probation...I want to start a show choir with them.

There's a brief pause. Then the room erupts in OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER.

END OF COLD OPEN

Reviews

[Mifa]

I really loved this. The story got me cracking up. The dialogues are not only hilarious but also insightful. The denouement also...whew...classic. I couldn't help but Join Officer Bones and Louie erupt into an obnoxious laughter.