Again & Again

So on top of dealing with PTSD I was trying to reconnect with my mother, who of course soon had one of her vicious freak outs and I was forced onto the street again. This is about that.

Again & Again

Here I am again,

I have been betrayed by you once more.

Our relationship is one I tried to mend,

Tried to mend, to bend, again and again,

But now I see that I could never be...

I could never be someone you care for.

I hate that you take the responsibility for raising me,

When in reality... I did it all myself.

By myself, without you, in frozen nights

No shelter, no food, my heart was torn.

Again and again I would play pretend,

Just to pretend that you might love me.

And again and again I realise when I cry,

I cry on my own with no one to tell me it will be alright.

No one to even say good night.

I cry again and again, for the mother I never had.

For the warm, loving woman who doesn't exist.

And the sick thing is that I still want you back,

Again and again after all the venom you spew,

the venom I once thought was true.

That I should die.

That my worthless blood would never know love,

The more I breath the more you hate me like a drug.

No matter how much I struggle to be good for you.

To be the only child you have to protect and care for you.

If only you knew...

That again and again, I wait here and prove...

And prove you're not going to show.

So again and again... I stand alone.

I stand alone to raise the best woman you will never know.

Author's Note

I am okay now. I was forced last minute to pack a small bag and start my life anew hours and hours away from everybody I know. But luckily, I have good people here to help me :)

Reviews

[NoelHC]

"I stand alone to raise the best woman you will never know." Powerful poem Brit, and good to hear you are working it through. Well done!

[Poetic Beauty]

Life doesn't always treat us kindly or fairly. Sometimes old emotions pop up and writing them down and releasing them into the ether allows us to move forward and clear out the Cobb Webb's of unpleasantries.

[jjwilbourne]

Be sure to use the pain you feel as a catalyst to creativity just as you've done here. When the world gives you lemons, make art.

[Gee]

Great last line,could never,ever,comprehend not having a mother's love.Was one of 7 brought up by mum only.Really enjoyed your poem,not your plight.

[blue angel]

This is heart wrenching, dear! I'm pained by this, as a mother. I extend an embrace. That doesn't mend those cold nights and that fear of where and how you'll make your way. But there are good spirits out there that will extend that embrace that I so long to hand you. Sickness/illness consumes the minds that would if not under such inflection give you what you deserve [her]. I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. One day you'll become the mother that you always longed for. Thank you for sharing such raw emotions. Peace to you always[everything will be alright]. Respectfully, blue angel

[jo]

I love the poem. It has strong emotions and I have a friend at school who relates completely to this poem. Its a sad and hopeful poem I completely love it. Stay strong
Jo.

[Skai Rain]

Thank you, my friend.

[jo]

You Welcome.

[Rana]

It was moving. Written from personal experience, the poem has come out strikingly, unfolding the tragic tale in such simple words yet effectively. Hold on to hope n be a strong self-dependent person n u'll make the best things happen. n ur not alone Brit :)

[Skai Rain]

Thank you for the kind words.

[Jamie]

This is really deep and such a fantastic write it is excellent work! I hope everything is going well for you :)

[Skai Rain]

Thank you, my friend.

[Jamie]

You are most welcome :) If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm only a click away :)

[R Smith]

that's extremely sad Brit, all the more so that its real, i really hope your life takes a better turn very soon :)

[Skai Rain]

Thank you, I sure hope so too lol

[Rocans]

Your situation is unfortunate but beauty always blossoms from misfortune. This gem of a poem is evidence of that. I enjoyed this immensely. Hope everything is alright...or will be soon. Keep up the good poetic work. :)

[Skai Rain]

Thank you so much for your kind words.