Again & Again

So on top of dealing with PTSD I was trying to reconnect with my mother, who of course soon had one of her vicious freak outs and I was forced onto the street again. This is about that.

Again & Again

Here I am again,

I have been betrayed by you once more.

Our relationship is one I tried to mend,

Tried to mend, to bend, again and again,

But now I see that I could never be...

I could never be someone you care for.

I hate that you take the responsibility for raising me,

When in reality... I did it all myself.

By myself, without you, in frozen nights

No shelter, no food, my heart was torn.

Again and again I would play pretend,

Just to pretend that you might love me.

And again and again I realise when I cry,

I cry on my own with no one to tell me it will be alright.

No one to even say good night.

I cry again and again, for the mother I never had.

For the warm, loving woman who doesn't exist.

And the sick thing is that I still want you back,

Again and again after all the venom you spew,

the venom I once thought was true.

That I should die.

That my worthless blood would never know love,

The more I breath the more you hate me like a drug.

No matter how much I struggle to be good for you.

To be the only child you have to protect and care for you.

If only you knew...

That again and again, I wait here and prove...

And prove you're not going to show.

So again and again... I stand alone.

I stand alone to raise the best woman you will never know.

Author's Note

I am okay now. I was forced last minute to pack a small bag and start my life anew hours and hours away from everybody I know. But luckily, I have good people here to help me :)

Reviews

[Brian]

The ending is spot on perfect. I think it's a beautifully tragic sort of sentiment, and it speaks to your strength to write it. And even more to display it. I applaud.

[Bhumika Devkota]

Emotional poem. I really hope you are okay. This poem is really powerful and though I don't know you, I hope that you will be the best woman your mother ever knew.

[SleeplessVolcano]

Emotion oozed freely here as it should. The maternal connection is the strongest biological one and when that goes awry a piece of us dies. Thanks for sharing...hang in there :)

[Mila]

Very good poem here, and the words held so much emotion and I could tell that you poured your heart and soul into it! Well done!

-Mila

[Ruth]

Sometimes to stand alone pains but is needed...love n light to you Brit xo

[Aziz Luther]

I like this poem very moving and one I can easily relate to. I love the emotional value it carries, very well written indeed. To the writers i say write on!

[Saddam]

I cry on my own with no one to tell me it will be alright.
No one to even say good night.

So again and again... I stand alone.
I stand alone to raise the best woman you will never know.

It was threatened but then you came back with lots of confidence which is Great.
I love this.

[Avinash]

In absence of love and understanding all relationships become venomous no matter how close they may be by blood. I could completely relate to your poem.

[icelandicblue]

That last line shows the resilience of your spirit. I feel your pain in this and a sadness that your mother doesn't realize the gift she has in you. Life shapes us in many different ways but ultimately we become our own artist and you have done a magnificent job. This is a heart-wrenching poem and I wish you could have the relationship you long for.