Tremulous Heart

Brim discovers her uncontrollable feelings come at a cost and finally revealed her deep secret.

“Lilly?” feeling the familiar anger, hatred, disgust bubbling up from within.
In horror, I stood, grasping at my stomach where all the feelings are churning.
“No, You aren’t strong enough.” Quickly, wiping the pained tears from my eyes, I ran further out of sight before I took to the sky, heading back to where my nephew was.
“Is it me, am I weakening?” I wondered, thinking on the breakdown I was going through.
“Am I the only reason she was under control?” Panic swept over me.
“If I get too emotional, If i break down, will she break free?”
I rushed as fast as I could home, hoping the boy would help calm me and keep these feelings at bay. Every moment it felt as if she was getting stronger. When I neared enough to see the house, I was blind to everything around me, but my own thoughts.
“If I bring her back with my uncertainty, they will suffer. My new family will be destroyed.” I crashed through an open door, frayed and confused when I spotted Faolan in the corner, mouth full.
Blinking once, twice, I came to the realization of what he was doing.
“Don’t eat that!” I shouted, swatting the back of his head. He spit out the little soul I had sent to him earlier. It trembled before tucking away behind me.
“Why not? It looked tasty.” He whined holding where he was struck.
My whole body was still churning with the sickening hateful feeling.
“He’s just a little boy, all souls you eat go to hell. Don’t send some innocent child to hell for your own selfishness.” I began to shout angrily.
“Eh, it will be fine.” He said with a shrug and I, despite myself, slapped him.
He held his cheek, eyes wide in shock as he looked at me and backed away a step.
“Bri?” He asked staring.
“What?” I hissed the anger and hate rising.
“What’s happening to you.” He backed away again, a disturbed expression on his face. “You’ve hit me, but you’ve never been mean before.”
“Mean? What’s mean is that you want to send a KID to HELL for NO good reason other than you want to eat something.” Again, the vile hatred rose. My anger was bubbling out.
“How could you be so cruel, so selfish, so disgusting.”
“Bri?” He whimpered, eyes tearing up. “What’s wrong with you? Do you hate me now?”
“Hate? What I hate is selfish creatures who don’t care about consequences.”
Faolan looked as if I did more than strike him in the face, his body crumpled slightly, he sniffed, then shifted his form into his favorite snowy owl before flying away, out the same door I crashed in. I watched him go, still seething in anger and hate.
“FINE GO.” I yelled loudly and paced around.
My stomach was full of this negative consuming hatred. My body heated up in fury. My senses and thoughts were numbing. All I could think about, feel, was the negativity. I wanted to hit something, kick, scream, cry. I couldn’t bring a rational thought out if I wanted to. I threw myself into the couch and wept angrily, over what? I didn’t know.
After an hour passed, the anger was still there, but lessened. Irrationality began to melt away and my thoughts became a little clearer.
“Faolan.” I whispered, guilt surfacing. “What did I do.”
I stood from the couch, my limbs felt stiff, achy. My body hurt all over. My stomach was still churning, like a black sticky tar was spiderwebbing inside.
“Sunshine?” I called out, looking around me there was no sign of his soul. “Sunshine?” I called again knowing it was pointless.
I looked around, trying hard to find his soul almond the sea before me. Far in the distance, villages, towns, animals, passerby’s. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Finally, I spied his soul in the distance. He was far into the woods, he seemed troubled. A twinge of guilty struck. After shaking off the stiffness of my body and wings before taking off. I wasn’t sure where he was or what he was doing. All this time he had stuck to me like glue, despite what I threw at him. Now, I betrayed his trust and the hatred I showed was killing me inside.
“Sunshine!” I yelled out when I neared enough to see his figure.

Not far away, in his human form, he was slumped against a tree, whispering to a stuffed raggedy bear that stood before him. It looked up at me, waved its hands to capture his attention and pointed up.
He looked up at me and turned his gaze away, a frown on his face. His eyes glistened. I landed in front of him and dropped to my knees.
“I’m sorry.” I started. “I don’t know what came over me. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”
He sniffed a little and looked at me.
“Do you hate me now?”
“What? No, of course not. I can never hate you, kid.” I tapped his nose lightly.
“You are my precious, baby nephew.”
He glanced at the bear then me again.

“Okay, I’m sorry for trying to eat your slave.”
“Slave? What? Excuse me I do not enslave creatures.”
“then why do they have to do what you say?”
“Because we made a contract! In exchange for working with me they get to be reincarnated a lot faster.”
“So their choices are be your slave or not be reborn?” He looked at me dubiously.
“Don’t make it sound like a bad thing. I’m not making them do things they dont want. I take into account their age, life before this, personality, then send them to do the tasks that they would consider more meaningful. Once they complete enough tasks then they can be reborn and move on.”
“So they have to earn their freedom by working for you? What about the one you sent to me? You thought a kid would be a good baby sitter?”
“No, i just figured you two could play together. Keep each other company.”
“Ehhh.”
“Oh hush never mind.”

I stood up and held my hand out to him.
“Ready to come home with me?” I asked with a small smile.
“I guess.” He grabbed it and allowed me to help him up. “Why were you so grumpy anyway.”
“I uh.” I scratched my head and sigh. “Okay Sunshine. I have a lot to tell you. I should have a lot sooner, but i’m a coward.”
“Okay, listening.”

I sighed and with a flick of my wrist, summoned a vortex in front of us.
“Let’s go home and have a snack first, yeah?”
“I guess, but i think you’re just stalling.” He glanced back. “Come on teddy.”
The three of us stepped through the vortex leading to the kitchen.

“Remember when I told you about the other side?” I asked filling a kettle i had grabbed from above the stove before setting it on the burner.
“Yeah, you said you lived there with your queen friend or something like that.”
“Sort of, that was at the end.” I sighed glancing at him. “I didn’t always live there. I used to live well, where your grandma lives.”
“Her house!?” He exclaimed in exaggeration.
“No, you dork. In the godly realm. I was an apprentice. I was supposed to forge my own path as a goddess with my brothers and sister.”
“I didn’t know you had family.”
“I didn’t say for a reason.”
The kettle began to whistle and I took it off the stove, pouring the water into a teapot.

“Something bad happened, long ago.”
“What?”
I grabbed a bag of cookies then set everything in front of us before finally sitting at the kitchen table with Faolan.
“Before I was born, my parents were demons in hell.”
“Like me?”
“More like you than any of them I suppose. See, they didn’t live their life full of hatred for humanity, or anything for that matter. My grandma, Satan of all creatures, she didn’t care for her weakling son’s point of view. He and my mother didn’t care for her evil spirit. They left hell, they wanted to forge their own path, and a future for their first born, my eldest brother Nicoli.”
“Wait, wait.” He said before shoving a bunch of cookies in his mouth and it’s a full mouth, “Continue.”
I chuckled slightly.
“My mom was already pregnant with Nicci, that’s why they were so insistent on leaving. They didn’t want him polluted by the evil around them. They went to the mortal realm for a time. They met a god whom specialized in wish granting, Daemon. He shared with them the fact that any demon, or god, has the power to choose to serve the opposite side. This gave them hope. They took Nicci and their second son, Andy to the godly realm. The two started an apprenticeship under the god. Andy had more of a knack for which granting than Nicci. Nicci was more about order and prosperity.”
“So your brother grants wishes?” Faolan asked with interest.
“Maybe.” I sighed. “He wasn’t there yet when I last saw him.”

Faolan handed me a cookie. I smiled and took it.
“I don’t deserve you, kid.” I took a bite and a drink of tea before continuing. “My parents last years alive, they had me and my twin sister, Lilly. Then the first bad moment in our lives came. Satan, angry her child abandoned him for a life of good had sent out an order. Kill the deserters. It didn’t take long for my parents to be caught and killed while in the mortal realm. Nicoli, he was able to hide our presence. Daemon had a hand in raising us, but eventually Nicci was able to complete his apprenticeship and became a god so He took over raising us. That’s when Andy, in a fit ran off to the mortal realm.”
“Ooooh, he got maaaad.” Faolan teased.

‘My brother always had a temper.” I laughed. “He was gone years before he returned, with a baby. His baby is what he said, but I remember her soul, it was human. He never explained what happened, he just insisted she was his and that was the end of it. Lilly and I gossiped over what may have happened while Nicci chided his irresponsibility, but ultimately we easily accepted little Annabel into our lives. She was the sweetest, most pure little girl I have ever met.” My throat swelled with tears.
“What happened?”
“While we were training, Lilly was acting strangely. She wasn’t being herself, she was asking some alarming questions. We took it as, i dont know, angst? However, it was much worse than that. I remember hearing voices one night. Hers and something worse. I played it off as a dream, but I should have payed attention.” It was harder for me to swallow and I went silent for a moment. It was getting harder and harder for me to talk.
“You don’t have to tell me.” He said with a pat of my shoulder.

“One night, while we were all having dinner together, Lilly attacked. She killed Annabel, we preserved her soul and sent her to sanctuary, hoping to save her life. I don’t know if it worked. Then, Lilly went after me. We managed to seal my sister within me. I have two souls inside my body. Mine and my sisters. Her hatred fueled me and I attacked my brothers. Then I was banished. I spent millennia in solitude, fighting her, trying to keep control over her feelings, over myself. Eventually, I did. That’s when I explored. Explored my powers, the world I was in. I managed to leave, but my access to my brothers is gone. I can’t go home. I can’’t be a goddess. I feel like I am tearing apart inside. Split between her and myself. This rage she has, I thought it died out, she died, but it’s still there. It’s powerful. I miss my brothers so much. I want to see them. I want to know if Annabel is okay. I feel so lonely and sad and guilty all the time.”
“So, I’m not enough?” Faolan asked, his voice shaky.
“No, that’s not it Sunshine. You mean the world to me, Nuna, our family means everything to me. You have to understand though, I have family that I can’t see anymore. It’s hard. It’s painful.”
“Why not call them?”
“Call them? Kid, its not that simple there are no phones. I shouted for them until couldn’t speak any more. They can’t hear me, or they don’t choose to.”
“Well. What if I do?” He asked.

“You?” I scoffed. “How?”
“Well, you said your brother grants wishes.”
“I said maybe.”
“If he does, what if I make a wish. Maybe he will come?”
“No, I don’t think that will happen.” I sighed.
“I’m going to try anyway. Faolan hopped down from his chair and ran to the other room.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m making an official wish.” He stated and sat on the bay windowsill where I usually read. He dropped to his knees, clasped his hands together, and closed his eyes. “I wish that Bri can see her brother again.”

He opened his eyes and looked around at the mostly empty room.
“Uh, it didn’t work.” He said sheepishly.
“I’ll say.”
“Let me try again. Ahem, please oh please Mr. Bri’s brother, I wish you would come here to see her. She’s sad and misses you.”
Again, nothing.
“I’m sorry.” He whimpered slightly.
“It’s okay, sunshine. I wasn’t expecting anything.”
“But, it’s not fair!” He shouted. “You didn’t do anything, you just tried to stop your sister from hurting anyone else. It’s not your fault she was evil.”
“I attacked Andy, that fact won’t change.”
“But, it wasn’t you, it was her. Why are you getting punished for it?”
“She and I are one in the same now, I understand why. Her hatred gets the best of me still, that’s why I was so bad to you.”
“Well, i forgave you, why can’t they? What big brothers will leave their sister all alone and not care she’s sad?” He continued angrily. “They should pull their heads out of their bum and see you miss them and that it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. They are bullies! BULLY GODS.” He shouted.

“Come on, Sunshine. Don’t work yourself up. I told you, I understand. It’s not easy for them. Not easy for Nicci. He has to protect what little is left.”
“You’re his little sister, he needs to protect you too, even if you do some bad things sometimes. It doesn’t make you bad.”
“Thank you for saying that, but its not true. I am capable of great evil right now. Lilly, she’s getting stronger. I don’t know if its because I’m too weak to fight her anymore. It’s best for everyone if I’m alone again.”
“Wait, you’re leaving me?” He asked crestfallen.
“I can’t hurt you too, or Nuna, or Kyo. I couldn’t live with myself.”
“Mum is tough, she can handle it. Don’t leave. Don’t go off and be alone again.”
“It’s not your fault!” He started to cry.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” I hugged him and patted his head. “I’m sorry, I wont leave. Not yet, anyway. But i swear, if anything happens. I’m gone. I will not risk your life.”
“You could always bring me back.” He sniffed.
“What if I can’t?” I warned. “What if Lilly’s presence suppresses my power.”
“You will find a way. I know you will.” He insisted.
“Don’t have blind faith in me. You will be disappointed.”
We hugged once more before returning to the kitchen for our tea and cookies. I continued to worry about what may happen. What had happened, but felt lighter finally sharing with someone what I had been through. After sharing and taking some of the weight off my shoulders, Lilly’s presence weakened once more.
“Maybe there is hope after all.”