Drowning

What does it feel like to hang from your last string.

Its those moments when everything was fine at first. Its those moments where joy suddenly escapes you bringing with it everything good and leaving you empty. Its those moments where everything else creeps in. Its those moments when sticky black tar gets trapped inside you, pulling your organs apart, hurting, churning you taking away from you anything that can relieve you of the pain.  It consumes you. It takes every little bit of you until all you feel is it the desire to disappear.   The need to harm yourself to deflect the pain until it stops hurting. Yet, even that isn't enough. Any amount of pain is not enough to bring relief to you. It only fills you with the desire to do more and more. To continue down the path of self destruction until there is nothing left. All of it is taken away. Any reason to be around fades until there is only one. Can that one be strong enough to hold onto. Can that one be enough to go through it everyday. The pain that suffocates. The pain that will never leave. He thinks he is the only one at the bottom but he doesn't realize how close I am. The edge, the brink of existence,  not having a single thing to be happy for, to want. To accept. To continue on. Hes all I have.  Hes all I've ever had. He is the sole reason I am here. He is the only one who can keep me from falling off the edge. Yet he cant stop me from looking down. It would be so easy , so simple to end the pain. With no one to care or to worry or to hurt by my disappearance I can just slip away, unnoticed. Just escape it all. I'm too weak to stay and feel it every day. To feel the need to disappear.  Only one string holds me up. One string alone and if it snaps I'm gone. Living like this isnt living. Its hell . There's nothing scary about dying. Its staying alive that terrifies me.