First Love

A Story by B. A. May

A lamentation on a fleeting first love.

When I saw her, I could not believe my eyes. Seh was so sweet, so beautiful, perfect. Everything about her drew me in and all I wanted was to continue to be by her side. I had no hopes for a future, a relationship because she was a girl and I was a girl. The town we lived in resented same sex relationships, horrifying protests turned up so often it was a common event in Manchester. For her, I hid my feelings, at least that was what I thought. To me, I was perfect at disguising how I felt, but to everyone else, my heart was on my sleeve.

One day, one beautiful day as I rested my head on her lap, looking up at the clouds, listening to the sound of classmates playing around us, my emotions were bursting, it was getting harder and harder to hide what I felt and before I knew it, I blurted it out. "I love you, not as a friend, but as someone I want to be with." Understandably, she rejected my feelings. I was heart broken, but I knew the outcome would lead to this and I shouldered on. Summer came, months passed, I acted normal as I spoke to her but part of me regretted ever telling her. They say that it is better to know than to wonder, but I would have rather wondered instead of face the crushing pain that came with loving her and losing her.

I don't know why and I don't know how, but she came up to me one day. She told me that she wanted me, that she loved me too. I was happier than words could express. I spent every waking moment with her, I never allowed her to be alone in that dangerous place. I protected her, loved her and I believed she felt the same for me. every moment with her was a joyful one. Every moment with her made me feel complete. It seemed like we were on top of the world together. Our friends were so happy for us, supported us despite popular belief that my relationship was evil. Perhaps that was why things lead to what they did.

The first catalyst, at least to me happened when we were at school. We went to see a play in order to support a friend, the play involved a true story about a boy who was beaten to death for being a homosexual. The protest outside of the school was brutal. People screamed about how vile it was, how horrible gay couples were, how we would all go to hell. They threw things, attacked people, police were involved. She never seemed the same since. After that, without my realizing it, she was drifting, scared of the ridicule that followed our relationship and questioned it herself. The last straw for her, the straw that held her together as best as it could be was when I went to kiss her after dropping her off at home. She averted my advances and then left me standing there, confused, scared.

The week following, everything seemed to be okay. We were still strong and that day as we walked down the hall she told me she wanted to be MY prince. I always treated her like my princess and to think she wanted to be my prince made me exceptionally happy. That was the only happy part of that day. After school, I waited in the quad for her as I usually did. A friend of ours came up to me and handed me a hand-made card. SHe told me it was from Haily, from my love. At first, I was thrilled, we had exchanged cards to one another professing our affections, but this one was the worst I have ever received. She wrote that she could no longer be with me, that it wasn't my fault but she couldn't be in a relationship with me. She doodled all over it with a caption "To make you be less sad." It struck me hard, I walked home, alone and cried. As I cried it rained, then poured and I stood outside my house, the prison I was always escaping from, holding her drenched note, feeling as if my whole world shattered. Even to this day, eight years later, a part of me will always love her, my first love, my first girlfriend, and my last. In the end, my family moved away to another state, I never saw her again, but I fell in love once more. With someone more exceptional, more loving, more than I ever expected or hoped to have in my life. I love him and despite the heartache faced as a freshman in high school, I am happier than I could ever be with him now, in the present and I am confident, in the future.