If I Tell You I Love You, Would You Believe It?

If you’re seeing this then it means that I lack the courage to tell you to your face. In a sense, I’ve at least got the courage to put this into words, into a physical form so that you could finally know how I feel about you. I’m not really sure how to go about this, I’ve never been one to express my emotions, especially when it comes to you. I’m sorry that I can’t do this, that I can’t use my mouth to the say the words that are on the tip of my tongue, but it’s just that when I see you, they get lodged in my throat and I can’t speak.

I know you won’t understand what I’m saying until I just spit it out, you’ve never been one to catch on until it was right in front of you, but despite that I feel the need to explain myself. I guess my round-about method is my way of psyching myself up to tell you. I want you to know the reasons why, the method to my madness.

Tell me, if you could go back and change our friendship, would you? Would we be closer, more distant, or would you leave it as it is? As for me, I’d want to meet you sooner so I could’ve been there for you all those times that you needed a friend. I’d want to be the one you leaned on when you were falling and so you wouldn’t have to endure as much pain, but since I can’t change the past I’m content. I’m happy that I was able to find you before you were gone for good and in our time together, I’ve come to know an amazing person who has stolen so much for me.

You should know that I cherish our time together, even if it’s brief. There’s something about the way you light up the room that always brings me back, that leaves me craving more. Those long weeks without you left me in something of a withdraw, I just couldn’t function right without longing to see you again, for another one of your smiles, for another touch. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell you because I didn’t want to break anything we had.

I never said that I missed you, but I did. I never said that I wanted to see you, but I did. I never said I wanted you to stay, but I did. I never said that I didn’t want you to leave, but I didn’t. I just stood there with a false smile on my face hoping one day you’d realize that in reality, I wasn’t fine.

Love isn’t a one way street, it isn’t alone, either. Pain accompanies love and acts as its shadow albeit playing just as big of a part as love.

You should also know that I almost told you. I almost spilled it all to you, but I didn’t because I couldn’t. I didn’t know how you were going to react and because I knew I couldn’t control that, I was scared that you might never speak to me again.

Would you still laugh with me like you used to or would you leave me alone?

You don’t know it yet, but I love you. In every single way, I love you. I’m not sure if you’ll ever know because sometimes I think it’s too late for us to be more than friends.

Believe me when I say, this wasn’t easy. I’ve wanted to say those three words for longer than you know, but something held me back each time I worked up the nerve. Now, you’re drifting farther away from me and I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. If only I would’ve told you sooner, If only I had the confidence to confess. But I didn’t, and honestly, I still don’t.

It’s four am and I’m sitting here writing this for you, crying, and thinking of ways that I could just purge you from my life, thinking of ways to get over you, but I know I’ll never stop loving you.It’s four am and I’m hoping that one day you’ll fall for me. It’s four am and you’re asleep because I told you I was fine.

Reviews

[ANTO]

As I have said just now Biri Biri - your writing is deeply moving. This flows from the heart - raw and filled with pain but beautiful in its purity. I don't even think I could read another of your again the way I have just read two in a row as much as I want to wallow in the honesty. The title linked with the closing line makes the heart hurt. This is the finest writing I've read in some time.