Frosted Flakes

I haven't written in a while, but I finally figured out how to describe how I've been feeling...This is a sonnet about dealing with constant rejection...

My frigid heart ceased rhythms long ago.

Beautiful love I fear I’ll never know

True love is reserved for persons bold

I can’t step forward with my heart so cold

Frozen in place due to indecision

Memories filled with boundless derision

Alone, I brace for the icy onslaught.

Shielding my face with scathed hands, all for naught.

Frozen shards of hail rake my frosted flesh.

Crimson tides of blood pour out as I thrash,

Sculpting a scarlet shoal in the soft snow.

My knees buckling and breaking, let go.

I lounge in the red lagoon pondering,

“The warmest I’ve been in my wandering.” 

Author's Note

All comments are appreciated and encouraged! Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[J. K. Beach]

Brian--This has a nice flow to it and the rhyme works well. I love the last line and 'sculpting a scarlet shoal in the soft snow' has an easy, unforced alliteration that is a pleasure to read.

You might look at the word "thresh" which usually connotates the separation of grain from its chaff, though it also can mean beat or pummel, etc; "thrash" is more where you flail around, but can also mean beat or pummel, etc. Each is similar in meaning, and both rhyme well enough with flesh, but I wondered if you might have meant "thrash" to start with. Either is correct, but thrash seemed to fit better with being on the ground hurt and dying. No biggie... just wanted to make sure you had said what you intended to say... JKB

[BrianLove]

Thank you. I thought about using "thrash", but I didn't think it rhymed well enough with flesh. But if you think it rhymes effectively enough, then I'll probably change it since it is a better word for the situation.

[J. K. Beach]

I think it works fine... sometimes near rhymes can sound better... not so forced maybe. I think meaning and clarity trump the perfect rhyme... Again a very good job with this one!

[BrianLove]

Thank you for helping me polish it up!

[Austin H]

Amazing, such a tragic story but very well written

[Kelly Scheppers]

I am often taken in by a poem's opening and closing lines...you did both brilliantly! Your rhyme pattern was a pleasure to follow, as well.

I think you nailed it - it's fabulous, Brian!

[BrianLove]

Thank you very much!

[BrianLove]

How'd you come across my writing, if I may ask?

[Kelly Scheppers]

I'm a friend of J.K. Beach, and read his comment to your poem. The "frosted flakes" snared my attention, and here I am!

[BrianLove]

Well I'm glad my title is doing its work...haha

[Emily]

I like you wording! Well done.

[Lexi]

This is perfect to me, for I can relate greatly. The feelings of never being good enough and the fear of never being loved are conveyed I feel greatly. Also the imagery is beautiful :)

[BrianLove]

Thank you very much! I'm happy that I'm not alone in these experiences...I'm sorry you've felt the same way, but if we keep on writing, and empathizing, we can never be put down.

[Lexi]

My dear you probably just made my night, thank you for that :)

[BrianLove]

My pleasure..feel free to talk to me whenever...I'm going to hit the hay, so goodnight!