Four Horses and my Heart

This is how my love life feels right now...

My Beloved causes me numerous pains.

She ties steeds to the corners of my heart;

the horses stand still, while she grips the reins,

urging them to trot, tearing Love apart.

 

I screech for the excruciating pain;

each chamber quickly torn from its brother.

The sore septum is all that now remains;

the wall that divides us from each other.

 

Torn to the last fiber of my being,

Feeling no more pain, no sorrow, no Love.

My frigid heart is no longer beating,

lying on coarse dirt looking up above.

 

I hear the terse gallop of four horses,

creating heartless and morose corpses.

Author's Note

I'd like some feedback on this. I want to know what my strengths are and what to improve on. Thank you for reading my sonnet.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem is very good. You have a very nice style in the use of the language.
"I hear the swift gallop of four horses
Creating heartless and morose corpses"
I like the above lines. Made my imagination go wild. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[BrianLove]

Thank you very much for your input.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Emma Olsen]

Just wondering, because my mind immediately jumped to it, are you trying to reference the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? I'm assuming not, but it might be interesting to explore as a theme.

You have an interesting concept, here, and I think a good story to explore, though I'm not sure enough of it is here right now. I think you stuck to the form well. A few of your rhymes are interesting, though others I feel like you reached for the easy choice (being and beating versus love and above). I'd encourage you to try to experiment more within the form in terms of the rhyme and implementing more poetic devices (for a list, go here: http://www.chaparralpoets.org/devices.pdf
I think your last two lines are good, but I think the build-up to them is not quite working for me. Too much time is spent on the action of being ripped apart, in my opinion, when I'm interested in other answers. You have a lot of space, here, to develop your metaphor and I don't think you're quite doing it. Why the act of quartering the heart by horse? I want that to connect to the relationship, somehow, but I have no details about the relationship, really, besides that the speaker loves his beloved. If this were about a moment or feeling it might be somewhat more acceptable, but since you're telling a story for me, there's just not enough progressive action. You spend so much time on the speaker's heart getting ripped apart that there's just no time for anything else, and I want there to be. Not only that - but the speaker is so passive! Certainly this heartbreak can't just be the beloved's fault and certainly the speaker has some way of fighting back or something. Give him (I'm going to just assume it's a guy) some agency. It sounds like it'd either require some sort of agreement or some means of tying him down for her to spend all this time tying ropes around parts of his heart, lining up the trained horses, lining them up, tying the ropes to them, getting them to trot away . . . you get what I'm saying? Either she's somehow convincing him or he's complicit, because it doesn't seem like he's fighting back.
You have a compelling metaphor, use it more to give the reader some insight so that this really sticks. Right now it feels about halfway there because there's so much I haven't been told. I understand, for the sake of length, some questions will remain unanswered, but I can't help but wonder why it seems that he's just letting her do this? And also still loving her and calling her 'beloved?' It seems like she's kind of a man-eater since there are other 'corpses,' but what about her makes her so desirable? Why do so many seem to fall into this trap? I suppose this is just an expansion of some of the above ideas, but I kind of want to get to know who this 'beloved' is and why she's still 'beloved' after torturing the speaker, since there seems no change in opinion toward her. I think part of this may be because all the action's external and standing for an internal process. The only line that really shows the emotional turmoil for me is: "I screech for the excruciating pain". The rest is all strangely bland, despite describing something that sounds awful.

Another contributing factor, I think, is that your imagery is a bit weak for me. The words aren't reaching out to achieve a particular mood, there aren't many adjectives or action-packed verbs. Screech is good, but a lot of your verbs aren't really doing anything to convey the story or actions or any emotions that might be packed away inside of the actions. Try to think of verbs that can convey what you want with some more weight.
For instance: "Each chamber quickly torn from its brother" could be "each chamber forcibly ripped from its brother" or "Each chamber seized, snatched from its brothers". Do you see how the verbs I've chosen really create an image of what's happening? Yes, I get what's happening with 'torn,' but it doesn't have the emotional cadence of the other verbs. Same with "My Beloved causes me numerous pains". 'Causes' is such a passive verb and pains is so non-specific. You can use this line to really set the tone of the poem and the relationship. "My Beloved lashes me with numerous pains", for instance, might help liven that verb up - though I'd encourage you to maybe elaborate on what the 'pains' are. As a rule, I find it's good to get rid of generalities and replace them with specifics - pain, sorrow, and love are all generalities. Burning, depression, and adoration are perhaps more specific, since they refer to more particular feelings. Explore your synonyms! I think you have a good base here, but it needs some strong reinforcement in terms of word choice and establishing a tone and mood. I think the ending two lines are so effective because they establish a specific mood. You have a few other adjectives (frigid, coarse, excruciating) that are doing excellent work, but I think you need to play more with your words and try to find new ways to describe concepts rather than simply relying on the 'easy' word. "Large, dark beasts, hooves pawing at the ground" maybe, rather than just letting "horses," "trot," and "gallop" stand in as the only descriptive words. Try to manipulate the reader's emotions, you know? You've got good subject matter, learn to twist it.

A few specific random things: Does the 'us' refer to the speaker and the beloved? Since 'brother' as a personification of the heart is so close, it caught me a bit, and I'm not sure that I'm understanding the metaphor if it's about the speaker and his beloved . . . but I'm also a bit lost if it's the heart because the speaker kind of refers to it as a thing sort of outside himself that's not connected to him emotionally or as a relationship, really . . . Does that make sense? I need a bit of clarity in that section. If you need me to explain further, please just ask and I'll try. haha
Also, what's up with the capitalization? Not only of random words, but of all the lines? I'm not quite sure why 'Love' and 'Beloved' being capitalized adds to this. I assume you had a reason, but I'm not entirely sure I see justification for it. Maybe for 'Beloved' as a substitute for a name, but . . . I don't know. Are you thinking about capitalizing every line? Or is it just something your spellcheck corrects for you? Might be interesting to experiment with it.
I hope this helps you! I do think this is a good base, but it needs to be bolstered more, you know? Experiment, think of your words as a tool, or paint, or whatever else helps.

[BrianLove]

Thank you for all the advice! I wrote this poem in segments at different times, so that's probably why the mood is unclear, thank you for pointing that out. Also, thank you for letting me know which words are most effective and which are not. To answer your questions, the "us" in the poem refers to him and his Beloved. The heart being torn apart is an emotional metaphor. Every time they make eye contact, every time she acknowledges him is another chamber of his heart that is tied up. The heart being ripped apart is him realizing that he'll never be with his Beloved, but he'll also never be without her, in a sense. I used the word brother to describe the relationship between the chambers because that's how I imagine them, since they are so close together...the woman is ripping up literally every part of him. She's really a girl he pines for, but can never attain. She leads him on just enough so he's stuck in a perpetual cycle of pain. The capitalization on each line is probably due to spellcheck, so I'll fix that. The words "Beloved" and "Love" I like to capitalize for emphasis, but if that's not a great way to do it, then I can figure out another way to emphasize my words. The reason I wanted to quarter the heart by horse is because I was trying to think of the worst way to be executed, and I came up with dismemberment by horse, so I just applied that to the heart to portray the worst possible emotional pain. After I thought about my title, I did realize that it sounded like the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse. Although there's no reference to them in the poem, I thought it worked as kind of a hook or thought stimulator, maybe to set the reader's mind on something depressing and terrifying, like being dismembered by horses. I'll try to work it in the theme somehow or find a better title. I will definitely work on my verbs and adjectives as I'm kind of in the same boat as you are...I really like the last two lines, but the rest of the poem seems disconnected, I definitely agree with you on that. Maybe for making the speaker seem resistant I could add "When I attempt to break away from the ropes, the knots only grow tighter" or something like that. Thank you for your very thorough review, I was pleasantly surprised at how in-depth it was, I really appreciate it.

[Emma Olsen]

Okay, that story you describe I was NOT getting from the poem, and I think the way you conveyed it to me is very compelling. I got the emotional metaphor, but those specifics you describe need to be in there. I wasn't getting that connection between them, nor that this was a cycle. That's the emotional core you want, that's what you want to describe and relate. Since this poem isn't literal, I think you can approach all that in a very experimental way. Maybe try to express how cyclical it is by throwing in a word like 'again' or some 're' words, or perhaps try to repeat the rhyme or actions? Totally up to you, just trying to brainstorm. The form is going to limit you somewhat, but you can also try to twist it in your way, you know? Doesn't some form repeat the same lines? I haven't written one in a long time, but I seem to remember one of them doing that.
Anyways, I'm glad that this is helpful! I think that Beloved and Love could be capitalized . . . but I always feel like using 'love,' in general, is just a cop-out because that word's so vast, you know? The various loves I've had in my life have been very different. Sometimes it's helpful to just stick it in there for a broader reference, but I tend to find it's better to avoid 'love' and describe it, instead. It might be my own personal prejudice with the capitalization. Capitalizing it almost makes it feel like it's . . . questioning? It's totally up to you, but I'm personally not convinced it's necessary.
Also, in regards to the quartering stuff . . . so, I think the only thing is that I want the form of torture to have connection to the relationship since this is how you've chosen to express it. Whether that means that you change the punishment or try to relate the punishment to the relationship, I think there needs to be a clear connection. It's truly a gruesome way to die, but it should be more than that, you know? It's an important element of the poem, so it needs to make sense as a device. Maybe a way to do that is through an allusion to the Four Horsemen? I think there might be some potential there.
Keep at it! If you do a rewrite and want me to take a look, just ask.

[Emma Olsen]

Also, in regards to this relating to your love life, I think everyone has to have one of those painful loves, but when you come out of it you feel stronger. Your partner should respect you, not expect you to bend to their wishes. Sometimes people are either selfish or screwed up, and if they won't fix either of those it's difficult, but you've got to realize you can't help and you're just causing yourself unnecessary pain. Don't waste time on a lost cause, there's always someone out there who will help you grow and change in a positive way. If they don't do that, they're not worth your time. I hope that, whoever she is and however she's hurt you, that you can translate it into an experience that's beneficial to you. That you're recognizing that it's not healthy is a good thing, but don't forget that you deserve things in your life which make you feel positively about yourself.

[BrianLove]

Thank you for the comfort and encouragement...they mean a lot to me. I'm kind of having a tough time with the ladies right now, just rejection after rejection, so my writing is just all about that. I'm hoping to be able to write about other things soon, hopefully with a happier mood. I will definitely be rewriting this a bunch, so I'll let you know when I'm ready for you to take another look at it. Thank you again, and have a great day! :)

[Emma Olsen]

You'll be alright. Sometimes it takes awhile, but just make sure rejection's a learning experience and not a way you make yourself bitter. Typically, what you really want and what will make you happy materializes when you least expect it, just make sure you're ready for it when it comes.

[Nick Blackstone]

I really thought this was a great poem, great imagery, very Poe-esque, I wouldn't change anything!

[BrianLove]

I'm very happy to hear this since Poe is my favorite poet! Thank you very much.