BABE

like a rollin river, goin off into the distance, yea, just like the waves crishing on to the side, my momma will come home one day, yea, where the wishes are floating on by, years of untold stories and lies, yet full of the want to let go, so let it roll, roll on away, down the river, far away, so when my baby comes home, she will give me that sweet love, oh baby, come a little closer, where the break of dawn will come soon, and i shall be on my way, through the window again, and off into the distance, i blow the kiss of return, but know deep within, my heart is going to heaven, i will see you babe, on the other side, where the rivers keep rollin, where the music sounds around the air all day, where i will sing, and roll on down this river, on through life, goodbye babe.

Reviews

[SpokenWord]

You do love your run on sentences. I am actually getting use to it now, and how it flows as one though spoken in one breath. It's hard when we are separated from a true love like this and you know you have to travel to them to be reunited one day. Makes the remainder days on earth long and hard.

[Kena]

The structure is very loose, which I like a lot. Well done! :)

[underwriter]

i like the way you structure your poems, to me, it emphasises the feelings of confusion and the natural thought process of many things going through our minds.

a beautiful poem of loss, love and secrets! i love your use of the river, i see it as the 'river of life', 'where the wishes are floating on by, years of untold stories and lies, yet full of the want to let go', - so beautiful and meaningful! this line really spoke to me!

[.]

nice concept of missing a loved one..would be so much easier to read in a different format..

[Jūdan FyreHeart]

I understand this is your personal style but for me I'd find it a better piece if it was broken into sentences.
It feels far more like a song than a poem at the moment - the strong images without much in the way of solid description to back them up.
The ideas behind it all are nicely done, you should certainly try breaking it up and putting it to a beat as a song though.

[Linear]

Crashing, not crishing, it really would be easier to read if it was formatted, however, overall write was good in that you got your thoughts across, life and death, and saying goodbye to those you love, keep writing

[Grace Catherine C.]

I liked that, it was fun and flowy and it really cheered me up, good work!

[BLACKCRUSH]

Interesting write , I don't think I've come across anything like it. It was original and sensitive. I don't care about structure as much as what a person is trying to say in a piece . This was a pleasure to read , great job.

[Cats Eye]

Interesting write, don't feel its your best though. Its easy to get stuck in your head though

[cest la vie]

this reads like a song.. as if you took one big breath, sat her on the couch and just sang without pause..
that being said, it's not easy for the reader to follow at some points because of the SOC -style of writing..
the emotions are strong, just maybe condense into a smoother flow and you will have a superstar...

i did like this ..

[Joshua Smit]

i like it, but i really dont like the structure that you use :( It makes the peoms hard to read, and for me that is a real problem