YOU DON'T KNOW

You ever dreamed of a day that would bring all those people to a standstill, where they would run back to their mothers and finally find serenity, maybe indulge in the act of listening for a while, may i see your finger, may i relieve your eyes of my unspoken words, perhaps you will see in time, pay attention young child, your words mean nothing, your meaning is too young, your ideas are worthless, for you do not know, but teacher i have learned more from you than you have of me, i may be new here in this room, but ill tell you now you don't know anything if the learner is a stranger to the eyes of the beholder, maybe if you would stoop down here ill five you a third lip busting through your forehead, you should know by now that all you do is repeat, you've forgotten that you are now a broken record, repeated over and over through out the years, everyone has obtained your know how, you are a broken record, too old to see that you are obsolete, unneeded, YOU do now know, because you have closed your ears to our world and therefore forgotten yourself, you will never know.

Reviews

[just take a breath]

i liked the meaning of it but there a few problems for me.

1. the way you formatted it made me have to go back over it 3 times so i could understand it

2. i couldn't tell if there were 2 people talking or just one person mocking another

3. in my opinion, this should be in the story category. and maybe you should have added more exciting/detailed words to create better image and understanding for the reader.

im just critiquing, sorry if i offended you in any way. but the message of it all is completely true and i totally agree with it(:

[Miss Coral]

Hi there :)

So, first thing is first:

The Format:

This kind of format is extremely difficult to read. This is, essentially, a long run-on sentence, and you know how hard those can be to follow in books. Even when they aren't technically a "run-on", but go on for a page?
I would break this up. Just press Enter whenever you feel like a phrase or feeling or meaning is complete. You can use grammar for paragraphs, or, as you have here, just have pauses and use it as one long sentence.

But, as it is, I kept on losing track of the idea, and of what was going on. If you look at it, the first part is actually a question, which, as you have it written now, means that the entire thing is a question. The rest is simply an elaboration off that first clause.

2. The Language:

I really liked this. As I said, it was really difficult to concentrate on the actual words when it was in this format, but I read it through the fourth time with total concentration, and it's really interesting. The tone is very consistent, and while the word choice is basic for the most part, it fits and feels very natural. Great job.

3. Concept:

Love it. Just leaving it at that. It seems to change in the fourth line completely into something else, and sticks with that one for the rest of the piece- that's the part I'm talking about. Honestly, I don't really know where you were going to go with the first part, but it feels disconnected from the other part.


4. Overall: Nice piece- just fix the format and it will be even better. :)

-Coral-

[David Keagan]

Really got me thinking after I read this one. Awesome write once again. Keep sending the requests. I thoroughly enjoy your work. As far as the formats you keep.. I like them, they're unique and give great flow. Keep up the stellar work

[Rain Kissed Secret]

Fascinating. Your idea's make me thirst for more. Very well done. Keep it up.
Rain

[NickyGL]

You need a better formatt (idk if i spelt that right), its a bit confusing too, but over all it was good

[Lilly Negoi]

i'll have to disagree with just take a breath's opinion regarding this poem. first, there's a certain marquesian air about its flow, continuous, fluent. poetry is never related to form. so why would a poem be restricted to lines and stanzas?! and i like the fact that it's not so abundant in details - a sketch of a few lines can be just as beautiful as a full-detail high resolution photo, it only depends on the point of view from which you look at it. the reader has the freedom to create this poem's imagery based on the given pattern of ideas. my opinion is that this is a complete text, not needing further adjustments.

[futurepast.]

This is a very interesting, and true write. It leaves your readers to ponder upon what you have just written.
"pay attention young child, your words mean nothing, your meaning is too young, your ideas are worthless, for you do not know, but teacher i have learned more from you than you have of me, i may be new here in this room, but ill tell you now you don't know anything if the learner is a stranger to the eyes of the beholder"
Those lines are so true, and I absolutely loved it.
Nice write.

[Solidad]

I LOVE the way you write but I HATE the way you format your writing. Yet you're talent hais so great that your formating doesn't deter me from reading your stuff.

[Brian Kraklau]

i stand against trends! hahahahahahaha as the joker sais

[Brian Kraklau]

exactly messeges of me to you because i know you wont understand my secrets so therefore you dont know lol.