Conversations With My Father

The days spent walking

Pointing out birds

Wheeling across Summer skies

In familiar fields

And on far away moors

I learnt the important lessons

Nature, geography, history, kindness

I can name the birds and the trees

I appreciate those years

Knowing now what I didn't realise then

They were the most important of days.

Stories of his childhood,

The younger years,

How times have changed,

Memories clear despite the passing time

Talking about meaningful songs

I still listen to them now.

History and culture

Where we came from

My bloodline stretching back

Through the generations

I didn't realise

What made me who I am

Remembering times of childhood

A strong hand on a bike seat

Safety as I learned, security.

Now unable to hold a cup

He told me

“You never know how many more

Tomorrows you'll get.”

I held onto that

He dealt with his diagnosis

Better than I did.

The memories flooding in

Now with the midnight silence

Regrets rolling in, the years swept away

Like waves on the shore

What I would trade now

For one more conversation

One more walk in the wilderness

One more day with my father

The confusion breaks the heart

He doesn't know who I am now

No memory of his youngest

Calls me by my brother's names

He woke at midnight

Wanted to get up

I sat with him in the dark

Told him it wasn't time

There was so much I wanted to say

But I told him I loved him

Before he fell asleep

It was the final time

Lying in the dark

Listening to the rhythmic breathing

Of the machine in the corner

Unnatural, yet the consistency soothes

I awake with the silence

Sudden, it cuts through my dreams

The machine has stopped

The breathing has stopped

I lie in confusion

Then I realise

There will be no more hugs

No more stories

No more imparted wisdom

No more conversations

With my father

And every now and then

I think of something

I'd like to say to him

Another conversation

With my father

I can never have.