The Smiling Girl

Seeing me for who I really was.

I was in a psyche ward, I put myself there because something was very wrong with me. The doctors determined I had severe depression.
They had us go to different forms of therapy classes every day. On this day, the teacher in the class was showing us deep relaxation techniques and a form of self-hypnosis to help deal with our anxiety.
I had become fully relaxed with my eyes closed. I must have gone into a trance for I suddenly found myself in a long dark tunnel with a light at the end. I've always heard people describe such, but somehow I was intrigued that there really was a light at the end of the tunnel. I walked toward it and hesitated at the point where the tunnel ended and the light began. Would it hurt if I stepped into the light? What was out there? Partly curious, mostly confused and not knowing what else to do but feeling the need to do something- I took a tentative step. I instantly found myself in a field of yellow daisies that grew as far as the eye could see. My heart filled with joy, my body pulsed with energy.
In the distance I could see a grove of trees surrounding a pond. With happiness I ran, laughing because I was free, surrounded by beauty and the sun was shining. I was a bit winded when I got to the trees and I stood looking at the pond while I caught my breath. I began searching for a small stone to skip across the water, (a trick my big brother had taught me), when something caught my eye. Cautiously, I went nearer. It was a girl with her back to me, she was sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree with a large book held open on her lap. I, being in high spirits, decided to sneak up behind her and then jump out and say boo! That would be a new way to introduce myself.
I never got to say boo. In fact, I never said anything at all. Instead, I turned and ran and ran back to the comfort of the dark tunnel! For as I jumped around the tree, the girl looked up and smiled. Her expression was open and welcoming and she seemed as if she was going to invite me to sit and look at the book with her, but that's when I ran, because the girl smiling at me was myself....
Later, I told the therapist what I had seen. She was not at all surprised. She even asked me the most disturbing question," Would you like to meet this girl?" I knew she was referring to taking me back into a trance and I vehemently said no!
To this day, many years later, I think about that girl and wonder why I had such intense actions to protect myself from her.