Jaded Envy

Prelude and 1st chapter

Prelude: The shadowed figure slunk through the woods behind Rayne, Jade, and Lori Anderson's home. They opened the door and slipped quietly into the kitchen. Scoping the girl sitting in the chair watching TV in the living room, they crept up and stuck the revolver to her head and whispered quietly, "Give me the entire inheritance or i'll shoot." the gunshot echoed through the house, and Rayne Anderson, was dead.

 

Chapter 1:

"Victoria, are you sure this is the right place?" whispered the frightened Jacie Edwards, Victoria Edwards's younger sister.

  "Yes Jacie, this is 132 Dickens Glenn, Right?

"Right! And you don't have to treat me like a child, i'm 18 years old, perfectly capable of solving a murder mystery on my own thank you!"

"Uhuh, and I'm 19 and a half and the one with experiance here! Besides mind on track Jacie!"

They walked up to the door of a relevantly modern three story home sitting on a hill in Hersey, Pennsilvaina. Victoria took a deep breath and gently rapped upon the large oak door. What they saw, astonished them.

She was about 6'1 with stick straight black hair flowing to the middle of her back. She was wearing a skimpy red satin dress that came to her mid-thighs and black stilleto's that only added to her extreme height.

"Um, hi. I'm Victoria Edwards, this is my sister Jacie we're here to investigate the murder of , um, Rayne Anderson, may we come in and ask you a few questions?" The womans crystal blue eyes were wet with tears, She sniffed and in a pure glorious voice answered,

"Sure come on in girls."

to be continued....

Author's Note

ignore grammar spelling

Reviews

[MoonlitAngel]

Ok, this was very good. I liked the tension that you built up in the prolouge, and I think it could be longer, but it's fine the way it is. Possibly more detial? Like, describing the two girls, as they're walking up to the house. Maybe the house has a large front yard... Or has millions of trees around it... Maybe a stone pathway? It's your story, so yeah. But make sure you add more detial into it, or it won't come out very well. The reader will picture something totally different then you intended. Like I may have. But otherwise, very good.

[Dutch Jr.]

As an avid reader of the crime genre, I'm naturally eager to read more. But your description is scarce in the prelude, however. I know you don't want to reveal too many details about the killer, and want to keep the action high, but maybe a more vivid description of the environment as you explain the action is an effective way of getting the reader hooked and giving him a good mental picture.