Rude Awakening

 

        The cool night air moved the shutters on the old mansion ever so slightly. Peter can tell this is the house that would have what he was looking for, money and lots of it. After a month of carefully watching 75 year old Michelle Glamorous and her 19 year old granddaughter, Natasha Glamorous, Peter decided how he was going to proceed.

        The plan was perfect; he would drive up there late this Saturday night, with a backpack on his back, climb the fence, walk in the dark shadows of the Japanese Garden, and climb the trellis on the side of the house. From there, he would get to a window and get in. It seemed so easy, however, at this time he was unsure of an escape plan. Little did Peter care though, for he is just a thief and only wants money.

        The Thursday before, Natasha and Michelle had said goodbye to Michelle’s beloved son and Natasha’s father, Conner. He had passed away from a brain tumor and left Natasha in the care of his mother Michelle. Three months earlier, Natasha’s mother had passed away from a brutal car accident. Two weeks prior to her Mothers accident, Natasha found out she is with child. Her boyfriend, Donevan Littlehead, of 3 years had broken her heart the day of her mother’s death.                             

                              What a month for Natasha.  

 

        Saturday night had come. Peter woke from his relaxing nap gets dressed; finds his car keys then gets in his car. The 30 minute car ride seems as if it took hours. Finally reaching his destination, he feels the butterflies in his stomach start to flutter. He starts up the driveway. Nervously taking in deep breaths of the cool summer breeze, he suddenly sees a light flicker on. Not wanting to possibly be seen, he turns the headlights off and smoothly puts the car in reverse, it slowly rolls down the driveway. He parks across the street.

        Time crawls by, before Peter knows it, he had been waiting for almost an hour. He takes another glance to make sure the light is off. Taking in a few more deep breaths, he starts his way across the street. Climbs the fence, gets to the top, jumps down then slowly and swiftly makes his way through the shadows of the Japanese Garden to reach the trellis. Once on the trellis, he moves as if he is a lion about to pounce on his prey.

        Suddenly, the same light comes on; it was Natasha on her way to the bathroom, as fast as a heartbeat Peter freezes underneath the windowsill. Again he has to wait; he begins to wonder is all this waiting is even worth the money. Now that he is this close though, he feels obligated to proceed.   The light is now off. Breaking from his thoughts, he finds the window slightly open, and without hesitation, he slips inside.

 

“This room is very dark.” He thinks to himself. He gets his lighter out of his pocket. As far as he can tell this is a bedroom.

 

        Peter walks to the door. Just as he reaches for the door handle, Natasha grabs it and turns it from the other side. Peter quietly gasps then turns and runs to find a place to hide. Finding another door he hurriedly slithers inside. He waits for young Natasha to get in her bed and fall asleep. A little while later, he peeks through the squeaky door. Seeing that Natasha is now asleep, he stealthy steps out. Natasha hears the squeak and opens her eyes. She lay still in her bed, hoping the strange black image hasn’t seen her open her eyes.

        With a sigh of relief, Peter thinks all she did was twitch. Natasha has a phone on the nightstand by her bed, but she hesitates on using it because she’s unsure if the trespasser is still in the room, or worse, armed. She is in fear of both her life and her baby’s. Hearing the sound of her Mother’s jewelry being jingled and fondled, she realizes the invader is indeed still in her room. Natasha rolls over this time trying to get a better view. Peter hears her breathing pattern change and drops to the ground without even the slightest thud.

        Natasha successfully got a description of what the burglar is wearing; all black. Before she knows it, the intruder is leaving the room. She thinks to herself,

“He’s probably going to see what else he can get his greedy, selfish hands on.”

         Cautiously, Natasha gets out of bed, grabs her bathrobe, and desperately tries to find something she could use as a weapon, she finds her old baseball bat, and then she walks to her bedroom door.

        Thankfully, the burglar wandered to the left, instead of going in the direction of Michelle.

 

“He’s probably going to look for the safe.” Natasha thinks.

       

        As Natasha reaches Michelle’s bedroom, she quietly and quickly makes her way in. She sees Michelle’s heart rate monitor had doubled, making it beep loudly. She remembers what her Father told her to do in case this had ever happened; call 911. Down the hall, Peter can hear the beeping, and ventures to find its source.

        At this point Natasha doesn’t even remember about the invader somewhere in the house. Her Grandmother’s life is more important than their fortune. She drops the bat, and reaches for the phone on the nightstand beside her grandmother’s bed, the bedroom door slings open, standing as a result of the loud bang is the same black figure that she had seen in her room. Instinctively she reaches for the bat, at the same time trying to dial the police. The load bang awoke Michelle, she sat up abruptly saw a strange man in her doorway screams and faints.

        Shaking, Natasha attempts to dial 911, she succeeds. Not so much as a breath did she breathe before Peter had her restrained against the floor, bound and gagged. Within a mere 15 minutes both police and ambulance sirens are heard.

        Peter has to think. He decides if he keeps a hostage, he may be able to get more money out of a ransom, but if he does keep her it’ll be harder to get away. With that thought in his mind, he takes Natasha with him.

        Natasha starts to cry, thoughts of her Grandmother fill her head. She feels disappointed in herself. She did not watch over her like she was trusted to. She could not even protect her Grandma or herself let alone the life growing inside her. While officials make their way up the driveway, Peter struggles to get Natasha on her feet and down the stairs swiftly. Barely succeeding, they make their way to the beginning of the stairs.

        Peter finds himself having to nearly carry Natasha. All the while wondering if hardheadedness and determination is enough to give him the strength he needs to throw his hostage over his shoulder, waltz down the spiral staircase, and out the back door to hide in the backyard garden. The sudden sound of a siren suddenly stop, acted as a reality check, making Peter break from his thoughts. He hears a man on the megaphone,

 

“Come out with your hands up, or we will use forceful entry!”

       

        Now with only a short time to get away, he hurries to get out of sight of all windows. As fast as Peter can with Natasha kicking and trying to scream, he makes an attempt to go down the spiral stairs without making them both tumble head first. He succeeds, reaching the main floor; Peter realizes that he has no clue where the back door is located. Before he frantically takes the gag out of his prisoner’s mouth, he tells her,

 

“Try to scream and I will slice your throat. Alright? Where is the back door?”

 

She replies, “I refuse to answer your question.”  She spits in his face then attempts to scream. Peter re-gags her quicker than the blink of an eye.

 

“Try that again girl and I will kill you before we reach the backyard garden.”  He hisses.

       

        Infuriated with the answer he received, Peter again demands to know where the door is.

 

“Now tell me little girl, where is the back door?”

 

Natasha doesn’t make any effort to answer him. She is scared out of her mind. Wondering if he’ll let her go or kill her and her baby first.

 

“Fine, have it your way.” Peter says as he puts the gag back in her mouth.

       

        Instead of carrying frightened Natasha, he now drags her across the carpet, trying to find the door. Once again Police Officer Edward Hog’s voice booms over the load megaphone,

 

“Surrender now, we have you surrounded!!!!”

 

         Inside the house Peter with Natasha in hand, have made their way to the back mud room. Something had caught Peter’s eye. He quickly looks to his right. What he saw stunned him, making him stop in his tracks; helicopter search lights. His heart begins to speed up, his criminal mind filling with racing thoughts.

 

“Can I get away with Natasha? Can I even get to the garden without us being seen??”

 

        Pausing for a few seconds, he sees that the search lights move horizontally. Rapidly he picks up Natasha, hoists her up and slings her over his shoulder then reaches for the door handle.

         Keeping a very short distance between them and the wall, they hastily move against the wall on their left while the light goes to their right. They walk slowly. The search light makes its way in their direction. Peter makes Natasha freeze against the wall. He threatens,

 

“If you make a sound or dare to even move, I will hurt all who is dear to you.”

       

        Reluctantly with tears streaming down her cheeks, she nods yes. The bright search light sweeps over the freshly mowed grass moving very close to them. Peter’s heart is racing even faster now. He lets out a sigh of relief as the light passes by without noticing them.

 

 “Listen, for it means your life. Follow me when I say go.”

        Again he has to wait, this time for the light to pass by. In a hushed whisper Peter says,

 

 “Okay, now!”

 

        They dart across the lawn. In Natasha’s mind she wonders is she should drop to the ground. Deciding her Grandmother’s life isn’t of any greater value than her own, she keeps running. They reach the other side, they’re huffing’ and puffing’ all out of breath. Natasha finally gets the courage to scream again. Peter whispers angrily,

 

 “Do that again and you will not live much longer at all!”

       

        He anxiously thinks of his next move. Peter continues through the garden. With much despair, Natasha follows. She refuses to show Peter is indeed frightening her, she only hangs her head in shame. A thought crosses her mind,

 

“He keeps making the threat to kill me, but he has not made one attempt to hurt me.”

 

        They make their way through the garden and over the back fence to the flower meadow behind the old mansion.  Once again Edward’s voice was heard,

 

“Alright we’re coming in!”

 

Peter says aloud,

 

“Ha Ha they still think we’re in the house! They will never find you young lady, not once I’m through with you!”

 

        For a brief second Natasha had lost all hope. Yet all of a sudden she gets the nerve to run for it. At that point she doesn’t care whether or not she survives or not. Peter just yells after her,

 

“Don’t worry!! I know everything about you, there’s no way you can hide from me!!”

 

        Hot tears roll down her face but she keeps running. Determined to tell the police and see if her grandmother is alive. Peter quickly runs in the opposite direction. Natasha keeps running until she reaches the end of the block. Takes a left and starts her way to her house. The feeling to get away slowly leaves her sweaty worried mind.

        As she reaches the front gate, she is immediately confronted by an officer. She mumbles, almost a scream. He takes the gag out of her mouth.

 

“I’m the one who called you in the first place. My name is Natasha Glamorous.” 

 

“My name is Edward Hog.” Mr. Hog says as he lifts the crime scene tape and gestures for Natasha to follow.

        He leads her to one of the ambulances, where he pats the seat for her to sit. There he cut the bounds off her wrists. Then paramedics start to examine her.

 

Edward says, “Once they’re done, and if you don’t mind, I have some questions for you.”

 

 “Yes sir.” Replies Natasha. She turns to the male paramedic on her right,

 

“Please. I beg you. Can you tell me if my baby is alright? I just found out I’m pregnant.”

 

“Miss, we’re going to have to take you to the hospital for an ultrasound and overnight observation in order to answer that.” He says.

 

 Once they were through, Edward came back and politely asks,

 

“Miss, are you capable now to answer a few questions about this case for us?”

 

“Yes. But first, I would like to see my Grandmother. We were in her bedroom when the intruder grabbed me. I fear that she may have had a heart attack.”

       

        Edward said something into his shoulder radio. Another voice came back as a reply. He looks at Natasha with a slight smile,

 

“Your Grandmother is fine she is lying down in the back of the other ambulance. She did not have a heart attack, she had an anxiety attack and was startled to the point that she fainted. I will take you too her, and then you both will be taken to the hospital. We can ask you questions tomorrow.”

 

“Okay. Thank god.” Natasha murmured under her breath.

 

 Natasha walks to go and see her Grandma.

“Natasha?”

 

“Yes Granny, it’s me.”

 

“Hi dear, do you by chance know what happened, and how I ended up in this ambulance?”

 

“Yea Grandma I do.” Natasha started to tell Michelle what had happened when she was interrupted by officer Hog.

“Excuse me Ladies?”

 

Michelle and Natasha looked up. “Yes?”  They chimed.

 

“I have both good news and bad. The bad news, we are very sorry to tell you we have not yet found that criminal. The good news, we found a vehicle that was parked across the street. It is believed to be the culprits’. As we speak, it’s being wiped for fingerprints.”

 

“Alright, thank you officer.” Michelle says.

 

        Peter ran for two more blocks before slowing down to jogging. He then stops and wipes the sweat from his brow sighing in relief.

 “I did it. I got away, on my first robbery too! Tomorrow, I’ll go to my brother’s pawnshop and see how much this loot is worth.”  He happily thinks aloud.

        Michelle and Natasha are taken to the hospital for Michelle’s heart to be monitored and Natasha’s unborn child to be monitored overnight. A nurse comes in the middle of the night to check on them. Michelle is asleep, while Natasha is awake watching cartoons on T.V.

        Softly and quietly nurse Gazelle Hernandez, walks in their room, introduces herself to Natasha,

 

“Evening Miss Glamorous, my name is Gazelle Hernandez, and I’ll be your nurse for the night.”

 

She goes and checks at all the monitors hooked up to Michelle. She writes something on her clipboard, then goes over to Natasha and looks at her ultrasound results.

“Oh my.” She gasps and looks at Natasha, smiling she says, “Sweetie, your carrying twins.”

 

“Oh my goodness, I must start thinking of names. Do you have any favorites Ms. Hernandez? And can you tell what the genders are yet?”

 

“Ha. Ha. Slow down Miss Glamorous. You can usually tell the sex of the babies around the 16^th to 18^th week of pregnancy. My favorite name for a girl has always been Caden, course that’s just me. Oh and you’re at the 14^th week now.”

 

Smiling and rubbing her stomach Natasha says, “Caden. I like the sound of that. Caden it is, and if it’s a boy, I’ve always liked Caleb, Caden and Caleb, I love it, thank you Gazelle. Would you mind being in the delivery room with me??”

 

Shocked Gazelle says, “It would be an honor Natasha.”

 

        First weeks go by without any new leads. Then months, police, Natasha and Michelle began to give up hope. Natasha has her twins, through an all natural birth, without any complications on August 18^th 2011, with Michelle and Gazelle holding her hands the whole time. Baby boy, Caleb, at 6 pounds 4 ounces and 18 inches long, and baby girl Caden, at 7 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long.

        Years pass filled with sorrow and lost hope. Michelle and Natasha were living in fear that it might happen again, and this time they wouldn’t be so lucky.

        On a day just like any other, the phone rings, Michelle answered,

 

“Hello? Glamorous residence, how may I help you?”

 

“Hello Ma’am, is this Michelle?” Without getting a yes or no, he continues,

 

“My name is Edward Hog, perhaps you remember me from the incident a few years back?”

 

“Yes sir, have you by chance found the convict?”

 

A slight hesitation,

 

“Uh no, I’m sorry to say, we have not found him. Actually the reason I’m calling, I have to tell you that by law we have to close the case today.”

 

“Oh. Okay. Thank you officer Hog, for everything you’ve done. Goodbye.”

 

“You’re welcome, Ms. Glamorous. Have a nice day, goodbye.”

 

 

        Michelle, Natasha, Caleb and Caden move to the Alaskan coast in attempt to get away from the frightening drama of Southern California. Michelle passed away 2 years after moving to Alaska, leaving her entire fortune in the capable hands of her beloved Granddaughter Natasha, Great Grandson Caleb, and Great Granddaughter Caden, who are both growing up fast, already at the age of 7. The fear of the criminal coming back to harm Natasha and/or her family fade more and more every year.

        Michelle died at the age of 82 knowing she was in the care of loved ones and that Natasha is fully able to care for herself and her children without that sorry sad excuse of a man that got her pregnant. Who has not wanted to or tried to contact Natasha to see their children. Her ex-fiancé, Donevan, knowingly left her when he found out she was pregnant. Natasha assumed he was still a child and not able to be a father.

        Natasha goes to collage to be a nurse while Caden and Caleb go to a private school. Natasha has kept in touch with Gazelle, they are now great friends and she’s coming to Alaska to visit and possibly move in to help with Caleb and Caden while Natasha is in school.

        Peter was never caught. Although, he is the suspect of several other robberies in the Southern California area, and is at the top of the Americas Most Wanted List.

        All is well now in the Glamorous household. The future too looks bright, as Natasha is dating this great handsome smart guy, getting married to him and raising her family with her soul mate, Chaunce.

 

Reviews

[Elemenopy]

Alright... so I have an number of things to say about this story. First off, you wrote it in third person omniscient, which is not so terrible a thing, but I found that it robbed the story of any potential mystery. Second, you wrote it in present tense. I am not sure if you are aware of how difficult, not to mention odd, this story is for the reader. I found myself pausing multiple times and saying, huh? It just does not mesh right. Stories have usually already happened, hence the general use of past tense.

I decided not to delve into the grammar aspect of the story for obvious reasons. I do think that most of it was done well, but you did tend to put a lot of 'had done's' in there, or 'had been doing' which is past perfect and past progressive perfect. I would not say it is wrong, but it is something most writers tend to shy away from, especially when writing in present tense.

The dialogue of the piece was also iffy. Honestly, I found myself laughing at most of it. You tried to make a criminal that was dark, demented, and terrifying, yet we were greeted with an awkward character that issues errant threats over and over without actually doing anything.

The ending of the story really chapped me. What was the purpose of the burglar? You mention him again, yet all we get is 'the family lived happily ever after with their previously unmentioned soul mate, Chaunce.' Weird.

Needless to say I feel like this story has a lot of holes, no real plot, and shoddy dialogue. A couple good revisions should prove to mold this story. I definitely feel like you should change the tense from present to past, as well as move away from an omniscient viewpoint. I know that it will feel like you are rewriting the piece, but you will be pleasantly surprised how much better the language works throughout the entire story if you do both of those things.