*Undetermined*

The beggining of a story follwing a young man named Melion armed with a dark cloak, a sharp blade, and a unique ability on a quest to rid his home of the dark powers that keep his people oppressed.

Melion's heart pounded as he stalked his prey through the dark and unfamilliar woods. He was given very little instruction; only to find the man wearing the darkest tanned hides and end his corruption once and for all. As he approached ever so carefully, he came to a halt upon seeing a figure ahead. It was difficult to determine from a distance but now that he was closer, he was sure that the armour housing the man before him was black as pitch. As the young man drew his blade, he heard footsteps behind him and flashed to a nearby rooftop, confident that nobody would see his dark silhouette against the midnight sky.

He was right to do so as mere moments later three more guards stepped from the brush. They approached their commander and Melion lied silently, observing their interaction. The men made their report and stepped into the trees to begin their next round. Melion knew this was his chance and waited for the man to turn his back. The commander had taken no more than one step after turning away. Melion was upon him with a blade buried deep into his throat. The only sound to escape the man was a gentle wheeze as blood trickled silently from his now limp body. Thinking quickly, Melion dragged the man behind the building and searched his knapsack finding a few copper and an envelope with a wax seal.

He knew that the information within would prove to be valuable to his clan in the near future. Placing the copper and envelope into his pouch, he vanished far beyond the woodline to return home and celebrate the accopmlishment of his mission and his small victory over the corrupt men now in power.

Author's Note

I literally have been sitting on this idea for months but have done nothiong with it. I decided about an hour ago to start writing about it and this is the result of about an hour of writing whatever comes to mind so it is a rough draft. This is a work in progress so please don't hold back with any compliments or criticisms. If this is recieved well, it may be extended into a much longer story.

Reviews

[Srchaud]

So I well comment but it wont be too much different then what has alreay been said.
It is too short. The writing is good and there is nothing wrong what has already been typed up, it just needs more. Thats a good thing, no one wants more, bad writing to read so take it as encouragement to expend. I hope you do extend this into a much larger story with longer chapters that really open up the setting.

[Lord of mad men]

Okay this is good but it does not show a hero it shows a killer that lurks in the shadows so if you could resubmit the start or a part that show his actions where from a hero and not a person following orders or doing it to help himself. I will read it. But besides that it is very good and very well penned. You did a great job. Your truely a mad lord

[Sesame]

Hello Brandrosky,

Thanks for entering the competition. Alas not a winner this time. I do not have the time to provide a detailed critique on all the submissions, but a few remarks:
- I believe this is more of a scene than a story as of yet, so you are probably right when sensing there is a longer story in here
- some aspects it lacks to be a good short story: timeframe, plot development, lively characters
- some sentence are not so fluent: "had no more than taken one step" "blood fell" "black as pitch"

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter

www.themagiccave.com

[kmartell]

Very prosaic. It does read as the beginning of a longer work, I hope you will continue. Good images or the charactors. Not overdone. very readable.

[Kaliope]

An interesting introduction. I'd suggest breaking it up into two or three paragraphs and keeping an eye on sentence length during editing. Especially for action sequences short sentences often work better. Other than that there's not much advice I can give but if you should decide to add more I'll certainly take a look.

[M. Black]

A great start, it really draws the reader in. I hope you continue this story, I would love to find out what happens next :)

[Charly Priest]

Well if this is whatever came to your mind you definitely have a great creative mind. Maybe some dialogue, but that´s my taste. But the story and description was great, now I´m curious as to what that envelope that Melion captured contains. Maybe a little sequel to discover exactly what´s inside that envelope?

[lightflower14]

that was a short,nice story

[several thousand]

I found two grammatical errors.
It should be "Melion lay silently".
"A few copper" Should that be 'a few coppers' or 'a copper' ?

I like the story. The pace is good and keeps up the readers interest. Looking forward to seeing more.

[Brandrosky]

By definition, "Lie", when referring to an animal or person, means to assume a horizontal position on a supporting surface. "Lay" requires a direct object to target for the action. You lay down a book, but you , yourself, lie down. I'm a bit of a grammar nazi. :-P But thank you for the review. I look forward to writing more.

[several thousand]

Wow! I learn something new every day.... I never knew one could 'lied' down... I'll take your word for it though.