Queen

About a Queen...kinda. i wrote this a couple of years ago but have revised it!

Queen (2010)

Shh. Listen,

As the winds blows the dust,

To an ill-fated story of love.

About a Queen of all

With no peer nor equal

Who wished to marry the Sun.

 

She climbed so high

For the apple of her sky

Until her and her Sun

Stood side-by-side.

 

She puckered her lips,

Then closed her eyes.

And moved towards her lover

Like a teenage bride.

 

She then kissed the Sun

And burned off her tongue

Her eyes were welded shut.

 

Blindly, she stumbled

And fell past the stars

And crashed into her castle

Her subjects in awe

A voiceless wife

Charred with no eyes

Her subjects plotted

And took her life

 

They tied her up

In view of her Sun

And burnded his bride alive.

 

From ash to ash

And dust to dust

The Queen's remains

Still lives with us.

 

She quietly tells

Her story of love

To those who listen

And dream too much.

Reviews

[Alessander]

I really like this, on multiple levels. I recently have been mulling over "fairy tale" type themes, and this definitely strikes me as fable-like, with a dark moral to the story, like those Germanic fairy-tales.

The short lines and stanzas also speed up the pace, adding to the intensity of the tale. Nice imagery as well, esp like this stanza:

She then kissed the Sun

And burned off her tongue

Her eyes were welded shut.

If this were mine though, I would prob tighten it up a bit like so:

She then kissed the Sun
Her tongue burned off
Her eyes welded shut

It seems a bit more parallel, but I recognize how you wanted "tongue" to near-rhyme with Sun, and Shut...

Great stuff!

[Lovely Lady]

... she is the moon at night! I love your imagination and this poem. Almost like a skip-song.... (a song little girls skip rope to) I like it very much.

[TBird J.]

Your words are (AGAIN, I MUST SAY IT AGAIN) so much like an old souls!! It's amazing. I truly enjoy your pieces, the style and the flow.

[Lilly]

Oh I love the story you have told here! It flows so well when read and. Is really so beautifully written. amazing work...

[Sugar Plum ♥]

Oh ,this is so romantic, full with sadness ,and like story...I love it, its for me, as I dream too much :)

[Lauren Beth]

I really enjoyed this..it reminds me of a fable, imparting a valuable moral lesson. Very creative and reads like a classic...very well written :)

[.]

wonderful fable of pride and stature...this is really unique..loved it

[justice]

This is a very nice prose poem. It tells a very nice story and is a wonderful metaphor. I really enjoyed the read. Perhaps tightening it up a little is a good idea, but not a necessary one. Thank you for sharing!

[.]

. wow ... that's a super epic tale ... and that last stanza is to die for ... we are warned ... and yet we succumb ... perhaps it's all because of poetry ... what do i know ... i just know this is exquisite story telling and poetry ... :) ...