Hello Familiar Old Feelings

It seems history is repeating itself and oh, how I wish we can stay in this new yet familiar moment again because, oh, how I know these fleeting moments will not last.

Dear you,

Yes, you. You from the other side of my world. No, you from out of mine. I wrote a couple of letters confessing my feelings to you before. Initially anonymous. And months ago. Here, I find myself having the inclination to write once more to you, perhaps one last time.

Many moons ago, I met you in class and I met you in lectures. I remember in the early days of first meeting you - I wonder how someone can be so beautiful, yet so heartbreakingly so. With each time we spoke, I found myself developing a crush for you. Afterall, you have shown nothing but strength and beauty. Intelligence and elegance. Calmness and yet dangerous when you want to be. It was almost that you were this perfect human or that imperfect angel.

And with each time, I catch those emotions, I press them down, hiding them in the darkest corners of my mind and heart, in hopes they would disappear one day. Anytime I open my mouth to speak to you, the only sort of words I ever would say were along the lines of, “Hi, how are you?” Each time, I typed up a message, I delete them. Tying up a message, then deleting them. Typing up, then deleting… In spite of that, each time I see you in class, each time we converse, those cursed affections resurface and persist. I told myself I have no rights to have feelings for you, that all of that my heart holds are merely superficial nothingness. I should not have written those love confessions to you before. And for that, I am sorry. I needed to put my feelings away. I don’t know you at all. I mean I have only managed to catch glimpse of you, of your lives. Fleeting, short moments of a book on your life. So how can I justify these feelings I have for you? Yet, oh, yet.

The heart yearns for what it cannot have. I wanted to know you better. So, in some sense, I’m grateful we are in different classes now and that our time in university is coming to an end. I’m glad to learn from you yourself that there is, hopefully still, someone who loves you. Someone who is grateful for every minute they spend with you. Someone who loves intertwining their fingers with yours. Someone who would be there to wipe your tears and smile with you. And even if you didn’t have that someone, what could someone like me can offer? I am after-all riddled with anxieties. Throw me an insult, and you may find me having a meltdown, at least internally. At times, I could feel myself already slipping away. My grades are, I’m almost entirely sure of, nowhere near as good as yours. You seem far more intelligent than I am. You deserve someone stronger, far more intelligent, and stable than someone like me.

Regardless, it has been a while since we last spoke. I can already see that you have long forgotten me. I could feel whatever small memories I have of you fading away. Your face in my mind has started to blur. Your voice slowly softening in my mind. Whatever I wished we had, whatever conversation I wished we engaged in, and whatever friendship I wished we developed are all slowly fading away as well. All as if they are sand, slipping through the gaps between my fingers. Soon, I’ll forget you and all that may be left are some fleeting moments of happiness of what you have inspired me with, as weird as that may sound. So again, I am sorry for writing one last letter for you, with whatever love or crush I have left for you. And I wish you all the best this world can offer.

Maybe in a café, in a new country, and in a new life, we will meet again.

 

Goodbye,

Anonymous.