Recent Thoughts and Occurrences

I apologize to my friends, my few fans, and fellow writers for not being around for a while. A lot has been going on in my life, and this poem will explain some of it. Please leave feedback.

This was written at different times throughout the past month, and put together into one poem. It begins 4 weeks ago...

Just left the doctor for the blood that I've been coughing up,

probably stress-- I write too much, but I don't talk enough,

Maybe because I hold it all in and never cry, that I have to come back for blood work and an MRI,

For all I never did or tried, I'm starting to feel regret,

And it seems the more that I reflect on life the worse it gets,

And I know it's not healthy to live in the past,

But if I don't vent my stress, I give in and once again begin living fast,

Now I don't know who I'm supposed to be,

nobody close to me and lost the girl who means the most to me,

Supposedly things change-- I'm hoping for the better,

Because if s**t get's worse I don't think I can hold it together,

The weather's sunny but there's a black cloud hanging over me,

And her smile's the only thing that ever seemed to sober me,

I remember how we used to lie in bed and talk for days,

These memories make it so hard to pack and walk away,

I thought I'd stay-- Maybe she'd change her mind,

Now even if she did, well, I've changed mine,

I'll change with time and grow, that's a guarantee,

But it's too late for us to grow together apparently,

The savagery of this sickness, which she had witnessed,

Has forced my life backward, now everything is twisted,

Same for my family-- I just wanted to make her proud,

But all I ever seem to do is let them down,

Now if I stuck around I wonder what would change,

Would s**t get better, worse, or just stay the same?

So much pain in the weeks since I found out the cells are precancerous,

Can't say I'm surprised-- Since age five I'd been smoking cancer sticks,

It crossed my mind to slash my wrists,

But I figured s**t couldn't get worse-- Now I'm not so sure after this,

And even though it was expected, the words still stung,

when the doctor told me about the cancer build up in my lung,

Now I wait, so impatient with urgency,

To get the word if I'll need chemo or surgery,

So much has happened these past weeks it feels like a lifetime,

Now I wonder if I already used up all my lifelines,

I try to act like life's fine when it's anything but,

My whole world is crashing down and everything sucks,

I try to take advice and just live in the day,

But it seems like every second so many different thoughts get in the way,

I keep it all bottled, didn't listen to K,

I didn't tell anyone else and I pray I don't give it away,

I feel so alone, I didn't tell my family,

I know I'm being stubborn, but it's just the man in me,

I understand that we only get one life, I wasted mine away,

Spent so much time with Drugs, crime and prison,

I can barely tell the time of day,

Now I write these words, thinking absurd thoughts as the sun sets,

Really, how fucked up can one life get?

 

Reviews

[Isabel]

Your poem for sure encompasses life and its hardships. By the looks of it, you've been going through tough times. I seriously hope things get better and I wish you the best with your life. Remember that your feelings are valid!

[Riddhi]

Great work indeed...That just touched my soul...To treat cancer , just one thing is required and that is strong will power and i know that by strong will in whichever stage the cancer may be but it can be cured successfully.....I know a girl...She was detected with cancer at the age of 13 , but her parents did not told her about that..After two or three months , she felt that something was wrong because her parents seemed over - possesive and extra - cared to her...and after few days she heard her mom talking with her dad regarding their daughter's cancer...She was in fourth stage of cancer and her age just 13!!!can you imagine???but with her strong will power she fought with that dreadful disease....and now she is living a normal life...I know how i am telling this successful story about her to you , i will communicate your story of fighting successfully with cancer to someone soon....Am i not correct?????
I am with you whenever you need any support...
Just remember one thing in your life , you have got this life only once , fight with cancer , have strong determination....Take enough of green tea and tomatoes..They are very effective in fighting cancer...Stop taking meat...
I know you will win this war of life against cancer soon.....
Never leave writing...
Take care....
Riddhi

[Kathryn Smith]

Oh my dear. I'm giving you an enormous hug! What a poem, that's quite a lot to take in. I'm still wrapping it all around my head. I wish you the best of luck in everything. I'll stand by you if you need someone. Hopefully you'll just need surgery, I know plenty of people who have had cancer build up, have gotten it removed and have lived a good long life. I hope the same goes for you. Just breathe. That's all I can say for now.

[Brad P]

Thank you Kathyrn. I really appreciate the support. Only a couple people in my life know whats going on, and I plan to keep it that way until I found out more. Again, I deeply appreciate your kind words. They mean a lot. And I once more need to apologize about not responding to your messages. I haven't checked this site until yesterday, and have pretty much shut out all my friends for the past 4 weeks or so. I hope you understand and don't take it personal. But I'm still here for you if you need me or just want to chat. You have my e-mail, don't be scared to use it. I hope to hear from you soon.

[Kathryn Smith]

I understand completely! I'll be around for certain, can't lose me as a friend! :) Once I'm here, I'm here for good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwB9EMpW8eY