True History VII: Textbook Lies

A Story by Fra/c/ture

as usual I've done all the research for this piece. if you are offended by any of my extremely factual research, don't blame me, blame history. and guess what--history doesn't care.

The best part about history is that it already happened, so it's pretty much impossible to be wrong about, right?

Wrong!

Year after year American history books distort the truth and twist actual history into convoluted little Lifetime scripts they can package neatly into textbook chapters on Westward Expansion or The New Deal. This makes real Americans like Carrot Top and Howie Mandell super pissed off, and so finally this bullshit must stop.

If I were to try to correct every historical inaccuracy it would take approximately 16.5 decades, and by the time I got it fixed up there would be approximately 16.5 more decades of screwed up history to correct. By this process I would never get done, and so it is only my aim to expose some of the more obvious and/or nefarious and harmful lies splashed across the pages of high school history books around the country.

In the interest of logic I won't be going in chronological order because chronological order isn't actually chronological. Ever hear the old saying "History Repeats Itself?" Well, it's true, so therefore how can it possibly be put in order. It's alot less like a line going off into the future and alot more like a circle, consider it a carnival Tilt-A-Whirl that vomits lies and deception. It's a never-ending band that makes slaves of some people and masters of others--kind of like that spiked leather dog-collar in your mom's underwear drawer.

That's the most accurate definition of history, and a definition is important because without defining what history is we cannot really talk about it...because then we wouldn't know what we were talking about and wouldn't know if we were really talking about history. That makes perfect sense and if you don't understand that or think I'm using too many words to say really simple things, you probably have some sort of deficiency of awesomeness which I obviously don't suffer from. Nevertheless, for those of you Cro-Magnons who are bumbling your way through this Pulitzer caliber piece of work, let me simplify this definition of history.

HISTORY:

1. (n.): a loop with no beginning or end that vomits lies and deception (like a Tilt-A-Whirl) and determines who are the slaves and who are the masters (like your mom's spiked dog-collar in her underwear drawer).

2. (n.): [unrelated definition] a compound word (see my award winning journalistic documentary of compound words, also available briefly on writerscafe.org before it is filed away in the Library of Congress for posterity) that combines "his" and "story" as in this example: History was that someone stole his bike, but he actually sold it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If this seems to be getting too long for you, consider this. Im providing you with a comprehensive view of history (and I'm not even charging you, yet) that you can read in one sitting. You should realize that if you wanted to get this close to historical truth beyond reading my piece you would have to hire a Yeti and some Shaolin monks and trek into the Mongolian wilderness where time has been standing still for a thousand years. Then you'd have to read a thousand books and do pushups and situps and catch dragonflies with your bare hands. Yeah, all that. So maybe it's not so bad. Be patient and keep reading and you will reap the reward. Besides, X-Files re-runs aren't on till ten o'clock.

Okay, now for the good s**t. Below is a list of a few of the fallacies woven through most history books. These are not universal, meaning some history books are different and actually do have the truth, for instance, down south where the books say they won the Civil War. (This is true, the South did win, and the proof is that it's hotter down south and people wear less clothing. Anyplace where people wear less clothing must be full of winners, like Taiwan, Las Vegas, or prison.)

1. Grover Cleveland: have you ever met one single person who ever met Grover Cleveland? Me neither. Therefore, he cannot have ever existed.

2. Sally Ride being on the Challenger: okay, follow me here. Is there anyone who ever met Sally Ride? Absolutely. Is there anyone who ever saw Sally Ride get onto the Challenger? Probably. Is there anyone who ever saw Sally Ride get off the Challenger? Doubtful. By simple math what goes up must come down, and if no one ever saw Sally come down, she must not have ever been up. (Supposedly, some old codger in Florida claims part of Sally Ride's torso sheathed in metallic fabric landed in his front lawn after the disaster. However, there was no DNA test done to prove it was her and moreover the disaster occurred in Florida where half the female population wears metallic fabric.)

3. The Great Depression: let's just say in theory that there was a time-period of economic poverty in America. If that was true, how could that time period also coincide with one of the greatest time periods in American alcoholism? There is no explanation, aside from the fact that the Depression never happened. The truth is that things were fine in our country in 1929 but then everyone started getting severely krunk'd and called off of work. This explains the time period between 1929-1933. It also explains why the Irish still can't get their s**t together.

4. Westward Expansion: most history books really bungle this one and by the time you get to the end of the chapter you're under the impression that the Native Americans were unfairly treated. This couldn't be further from the truth--in fact, the Native Americans were actually overpaid for their arid, unusable tract of land now known as Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, and other states where nobody smiles. The reason that history books make it out like the land was stolen from the Native Americans is because most textbook companies are owned by...you guessed it, Native Americans. These smarmy b******s have been getting off easy for over two hundred years now, hanging out on reservations which are more like vacation resorts, gambling in casinos and drinking government surplus vodka. They even get free cigarettes by the truckload, and yet they continue to badmouth the generosity of the U.S. government just because they got moved off some sacred square of dust. Well, Boohoo! Some arguments state that the Native Americans were here first and should never have been moved off their land, but guess what, they weren't even here first, the Scottish were. The Scots came over from across the pond in approximately 10,000,000 B.C. and hung out for awhile in what is now upstate New York. However, they ran out of whiskey so they rowed home for refills, got too drunk and passed out. When they awoke they had forgotten they were ever here. How do I know all this to be true, and what evidence is there to support it? My uncle William Wallace told me.

5. Slavery: now, this is a very sensitive issue because of the fact it deals with people being chained up, hauled across the Atlantic and put to work on plantations, and then lynched when they tried to escape or rebel against their captors. To dispel all of the myths and rumors surrounding slavery, I'll just come right out and say this--Slavery never happened.

Now that the truth's been said, I'll explain why it got so bent out of shape and why no one seems willing to accept the fact that all those Africans were quite willing to come to America for new opportunities.

When colonists in America realized the goldmine of agriculture available in the new world they had one problem. The sun was so dang hot that their pasty, delicate skin couldn't handle its crispy awesomeness. They had no choice but to go in search of subcontracted workers to farm and harvest all the wonderful bounty of the earth. They looked to the continent of Africa because the people there had been putting alot of ads on Craigslist about looking for new homes and occupations in other parts of the world. The colonists sailed to the Dark Continent and set up job fairs where they interviewed and job-tested the locals. They made the Africans fill out sophisticated job applications and write essays about why they should be picked for the jobs in the New World. They tested the Africans' bodies to make sure they would hold up under the hot southern sun. Some of the ways they tested the Africans were by making them row across the Atlantic and toughening their skin with leather whips.

Once the Africans got to the New World they found it tough sledding in the south. The plantation owners tried to supply them with dental, vision, and health insurance but it was just too expensive. The Africans could not afford COBRA or other health plans on their own. Once they got sick they were of little use to the plantation, so owners tried to fire them, but the Africans would not let them. Many declared themselves "slaves" to the plantation and refused to stop working and leave. Plantation owners wrote letters to Abraham Lincoln and begged him to emancipate these self-made slaves, but he would not because he was too busy posing for his picture on the U.S. penny.

Sometime in the late 1800's Flava Flav--an important figure in black history--was born. Flav eventually freed the Africans from their self-made prisons by teaching them how to bust sweet raps and do other helpful things besides farmwork. Africans learned frontier dentistry with gold, silver, and aluminum fillings, and they also learned to be handy at telling time by wearing clocks around their necks. These clocks worn as necklaces were dual purpose--they symbolized that it was TIME for blacks to start fending for themselves and stop mooching off plantation owners, and they also ticked like bombs to signify how enslaved blacks were ticking time bombs.

Nothing important happened for these people for another hundred years or so when Michael Jordan was born. At this time Flava Flav was approximately one hundred years old.

6. World War I and II: There was actually only one World War, and that was obviously World War I, but when historians wrote it all down they forgot a bunch of stuff--like about the Holocaust and Pearl Harbor and the Atomic Bomb--so they had to write a second chapter. This was supposed to be called World War I, Chapter II, but that was so confusing that they decided to just go ahead and put all the other data into a new war. The campaign to assemble and perfectly catalogue the World War information was so widespread that governments all over the world even made their citizens act like there actually was a war going on in the 1940's. Countries aligned themselves and sent soldiers off to fake battles which were staged at resorts and vacation spots. Some of the soldiers had to make it look good like they'd been killed so they just stayed at the resorts and never came home. As far as Pearl Harbor and the Atomic Bomb go, both events in the 1940's were hoaxes. How were they pulled off well enough to fool everyone, including the people killed during them? You'll have to watch the new X-Files movie to find out.

There are tons of other historical lies I could uncover but the government is already monitoring my phone calls and emails, so I need to keep a low profile. I'll just leave off with this--JFK, if he were never assassinated but went into hiding and got plastic surgery, he might look alot like Lyle Lovett...