A Man Without Magic

It was a day like any other, the day that I found her.

I had escaped the city as I often do, and gone out into the country to get away from the sounds of the traffic and the suffocation of the pavement and the buildings that bear down upon me.  I love to walk the fields and listen to the wind blow across them, to appreciate how everything seems to slow down and belong to just me; to exist specifically for my enjoyment alone.  The sounds of the rural wilderness are a song to my heart and are always a welcome break from the hectic grind that is my city life.

The summer was coming to an end, the days are still sunny and warm; however, as the evening moves in, the world cools down.  The leaves in the trees whisper upon the breeze that the end of the season will be coming to a close, soon it will be fall, and then winter, the snow will cover everything and blanket us in the silence of its icy grip.

But not this day.  Not yet.  It was still pleasant and warm, the birds were singing, and the sun kissed my shoulders as I walked along, the peace that I search for in coming out into the country was seeping into my bones, the stress of the city slowly escaping me and fading away to nothing but a memory.  Following a creek that gurgled its way through a rocky field I slowly meandered into a small forest nearby.  I was eager to see if the creek would widen inside the forest and offer me a swimming hole, a place to cool myself, within the privacy of the trees.

Walking along the edge of the creek, just a short way into the forest, I discovered that luck was on my side; there before me was a small, quiet, pond with clear water inviting me to dip myself into its fresh, invigorating, depths.

And that was when I saw her.

I was floating in the pond, weightless and free, staring up into the canopy of trees and marvelling at the way the sun glinted through the branches, giving life to the forest floor below.  When all of a sudden a shift of movement caught my eye off to the side of the pond where I had entered the water.

Splashing my arms about, my feet found purchase upon the gooey mud on the pond bottom, I could feel it squishing between my toes and creeping its way up past my ankles until it became solid enough to bear my weight.

Crouched right in front of me on the bank of the pond was the most breathtakingly, beautiful, woman I have ever seen.  She appeared timeless as she perched there looking at me with her head cocked slightly to one side, not young, but not all that old either, her silky blue dress caught the rays of the sun and almost appeared to be part of the pondwater as it shifted ever so slightly against the soft breeze that blew through the forest.  Her full red lips contrasted the creamy whiteness of her skin, they drew me in, and I couldn’t help but wonder how they would feel pressed against mine.  Her eyes were the color of the trees and the earth, speckled with green as if pulled directly from the fields beyond.  They peered not at me, but into me - through me - and all around me, all at once, and yet at the same time, for what seemed like forever.

I knew immediately, instinctively, that this golden haired beauty before me was no mere mortal.  Her elegance and grace was far superior to anything of human form.  She was magic, Elven, Faerie kind, a creature of the forest.

I've always been able to see them.  Magic is everywhere, the world that we live in is born of it, everything that we as  people see, touch, and experience find its birth from the magic deeply imbedded in our planet.

There are a few, such as I, that can see the magic that surrounds us.  Most people are toocaught up in their own lives, incapable of slowing down enough to be a part of it.  Most people, without even knowing it, mask the magic and wonder away because they would not be able to comprehend what exactly it is that they are seeing.  They wouldn’t know how to file it away in their brains and make sense of it all.  Easier just to explain their lives, their existence, with what the scientists and world leaders tell them as truth.

The Faerie had always been a part of my life.  Ever since I have been just a little person they have been a part of my world, flitting in and out of my peripheral vision, their gentle laughter just barely a whisper in the wind. They are everywhere, watching us, observing our ways, more often than not with a disproving resentment in their eyes.

But her eyes were not full of resentment, anger or hate, they were full of beauty, full of love, and made me feel as if I had known her forever, that we had always been and that we shall always be.  I knew...then and there...I knew.  I loved her.  In fact, to this day, I still love her.  It is my punishment, I suppose, forever to be in love with her.

No words needed to be spoken, it felt wrong to break the silence, everything that needed to be said was being spoken through our gaze upon one another.  I made my way out of the water, and onto the shore beside her, when she stood before me the top of her head just barely came to my chin.  She smelled of wild flowers, and as the scent of her washed over me I became dizzy with delight, she giggled at me, knowing that without even having to say it, that I was hers and that she was mine.  We knew that together we were about to fall into a reckless love, not caring for anything but the passions born between us.

We danced the day away, chasing one another through the forest, splashing in the creek, the whole while holding tightly to the feelings between us.  There are no words that I could speak or write that would properly convey just how perfect she was to me.  She filled me up and made me feel like anything was possible.  No other person that I have ever known has made me feel so brave, so content, and so perfectly at place in the world that I live.  In just the matter of an afternoon with her, I knew that there could never be another like her again.

The sky darkened as night slowly crept in.  We made a place for ourselves in the lush, soft moss, under a tree.  She pressed herself close against me for warmth, my arms wrapped tightly around her as if I were to let go she would disappear from me forever.  We made love that night, there under the tree, with only the stars looking down upon us, the heat of our passion keeping us warm through the night's chill.

It was after, there in the darkness, her head upon my chest as she slept, that the doubt started to creep in.  Those dark, horrible, human emotions that can so easily fester inside a person and become so much more, when they should remain so much less.

Here beside me lay something...somebody...so perfect, so pure, that I will never be able to be what I should be for her.  Who am I to think that I can give her what she has given me?  I am a nobody, and her, she is a creature born of magic, of magnificence, a life that will only be burdened were it to stand by my side.  She is a star that deserves to shine brightly, not be lowered to a life that would be what I would bring to her.

My heart began to beat in panic, what had I done, what was I to do, I was in love with her, and to me she was what I had been searching for my entire life.  We were so different from one another, and yet just being beside her felt as if she were a part of me.  How could I possibly muffle the world that she was destined for with my own shortcomings.

The answer lie inside of me, and it broke my heart.

This was all a mistake.

She deserves better.

And so it was, under the cover of darkness, I snuck away and left the forest behind me.  I followed the creek back over the fields and made my way home to the concrete monster of the city that I came from.  She would be better for my leaving, her life is not meant to be with me, she is destined for more.

Days flowed into weeks, weeks into months, and time began to slip by.  Winter came, and through those cold months I kept myself warm with the memories of that day shared with her.  Over and over in my head I told myself I had done the right thing and that all is as it should be and that my sacrifice will make her place in the world better in the long run.

Life became dull. Everything that I had once done for enjoyment had lost its shine, I got caught up in the monotonous routine of the day in's and the day outs.  I was bored, and in the back of my head, where I dared not spend any great length of time, whispers of what I had done were a mistake began to form.  I sunk those whispers down, deep �" deep �" down, it did not do to dwell, I had done the right thing.

Spring came, and then summer again.  My hope was that the shining sun and the warmth of the season would renew my passions, would bring meaning back to the life that I had abandoned.  It did not.  All I saw was her, and once again my heart was beating in panic.  This creature of magic, the sum of my life, had given herself to me.  She had chosen me. I was blinded by pride, the fool that I was, who was I to question or even entertain the idea that I was not enough.  Who was I to make that decision?  Who was I to throw life’s greatest gift to me like that away?

I loved her.  She was my magic, and suddenly I knew that not only could I be enough, but that I was enough.

I was out of the city and fleeing back to the countryside before I even knew what was happening, she had to be there, there could be no other way, I was a fool to walk away from her like that, I loved her not because I needed her, but rather I needed her because I loved her.  Across the field,  I ran, along the creek and back into the forest.  I found the pond that so long ago had led me to her.  The forest around was still and quiet, the only sound was my heart beating frantically in my chest.  I searched everywhere, and found nothing, how could this be, she had to be there.

I willed myself to a silence, slowly I began to calm down, the reality of what I had done, of the mistake that I had made, weighed down upon me.  I collapsed to the ground, the circumstances of my actions were too much for me to take.  There I lay, staring once again up to the sky, thoughts a swirl with the decisions that had led to the desperateness inside of me.

I slept.  Exhaustion overcame me and the stress from my foolishness pushed me into a sleep that carried me through the entire night and into the next day.  Upon awakening, my heart was heavy.  With a clearer head,  I was slowly beginning to accept that I had lost the greatest gift that life passed my way.

Rising to my feet, I turned to find my way back to the creek and out of the forest, and suddenly, just like before, there she was in front of me.  She was just as beautiful, more than what I had even remembered, my heart ached to touch her, to hold her, to tell her how wrong I had been and how much I loved her.  I took a step forward, and the love in her eyes for me turned to sadness, she took a step backwards and out of the shadows, from the trees behind her, stepped another.

He was like her.  He was of magic.  Capable -  more than I - someone that I once thought she deserved.  He wrapped his arms around her protectively, turned her about and led her away from me.  Together they walked back into the forest leaving me standing there alone.

I never once again found magic.  Never heard the voices of the Faerie, and never foundanything to fill the hole in my life that I had created.  I had believed once upon a time in something that most dare not believe in, and because of my faith I was rewarded with life’s greatest gift. Love.

I spurned that gift. 

Wasted it. 

And now...I am a man without magic.

Reviews

[Marie]

I really enjoyed this story. I wo't generally read long stories, unless they are very good, and this one was. Your descriptions were beautiful, and the ending was beautifully tragic.

[A Boy In The World]

Thank you for the kind words.