Justice For Her People

Her kingdom had fallen, because of her cruel and evil father the King. Now she awaits her fate, accepting for her people because they needed justice.

"Traitor!" "Murderer!" "Death to the Queen!" The people's cries carried through the courtyard. Her fate decided. Because of her father's murderous way's, she was deemed a traitor and was to be executed for the fall and fail of the kingdom. Thousands of her people had been murdered maliciously. "They didn't have to die. They shouldn't have." The Queen said sadly, staring out the dungeon window to the rioting crowd that had gathered. "My Lady forgive me." She turned towards her lady in waiting with tear filled eyes as knights appeared behind her. "No please she's innocent!" The Queen begged, her own tears falling freely. The knight forced her back into her cell, as they drug her lady in waiting away to meet her own fate. The king had been withholding food and money from his people, dooming thousands of innocent men, women, and children to their death all the while his plan to consume as much power and wealth was being done. With the fall of the kingdom, the angry and hurt people looked for justice. The people had overtaken then castle, and soon the kingdom fell at their feet. Now as the Queen watched her maid and friend walk to her death, tears threaten to fall from her own cheeks but she wouldn't allow the people to see her defeat. Shoulder's set straight back, in her trained grace, she would accept her fate for her people. They weren't willing to let her find a solution that should have been made long before, they weren't ready to forgive. They wanted justice and blood. Today would be the day she would give her people what they wanted most, and ultimately freeing herself from years of deceit. The knights each took one of her arms, preventing an escape as they lead her through the halls to the opening of the courtyard. "It is time to face your sentence." The knight to her left said solemnly. "I am ready. My people need justice and I need to be free from my father's sins." The Queen walked slowly, each step feeling as though her legs were made of lead. "Murderer!" "B***h!" Screams echoed through the courtyard, but still her stood tall and strong. The rioting crowd, unhappy with her strong, and unwavering demeanor, began trowing the rotten food her father had only allowed them, and trash at her. Still she stood strong, unwilling to break now. She had to remain strong up until the very end. If nothing else of what she had long been taught, was strength to the very end. Now facing thee gallows in front of her, she could feel her strength slipping. Something sharp hit her then, suddenly, knocking her from her feet. As her hands and arms collided with the cobblestone, the first hints of blood appearing on her palms and the backs of her arms. "Forgive me for his sins. I knew to late." She cried as the tears she so fiercely tried to hide now fell. She held her eyes shut tight, wishing for her death to be quick and painless, though she didn't deserve it. Shade instantly cooled her back, as her sad eyes looked up to see the lone knight kneel beside her. He extended his hand to her and helped her up. As she got to her feet, his cape blocked her from behind as he rose his shield to protect her from the trash being thrown. She looked at him sadly, not understanding. "Why..why would you protect me after all the sins I should pay for?" She cried. The knight looked let out a small laugh. "My Lady, my duty is to protect the innocent, and you are innocent in your father's sins." She placed her frail hand on the forearm of his armor as her tears fell again, this time in shame. "Please don't. I deserve this. My father destroyed this kingdom. Destroyed our people, and I must give them justice." The knight stopped walking, as the screams around them fell silent. Everything seeming frozen time. The other knights stood frozen in awe at the sight. "My Lady these people need compassion and love from a great Queen. They have been done wrong and are now fueled by hate and fear. Show them you are meant to wear the crown upon your head. Prove to them that your father's sins don't end with you." Guilt flooded her face at the realization she should have done that sooner. "I believe the time to try and prove to my people, is over and gone. My fate has been decided." Standing now at the foot of the gallows the Queen swallowed hard, as she looked to her knight then turned to face her people. The brave knight lowered his cape and stood strong behind her. She addressed her people one last time with all of her heart, full of promise, and compassion they had long since been robbed of. For the first time the people stopped screaming, and listened with open ears. Slowly they lowered their trash filled hands, as the Queen turned to face her brave knight once again. He knelt at her feet, drawing his sword. "Remove your helmet my brave knight." He did as she requested, as her breathing hitched. All those many times of hiding in the garden with the young boy who dreamed of being a knight, but forbidden because of their differences in class. Her first crush and love was the very knight that protected her on her final walk. Their love had always been forbidden, now he had saved her from a cruel fate. "My Lady, my heart has always been there to protect you, even when our love was forbidden. I vowed once to always protect you, and I still hold my honor to that commitment." She gently took his sword, tapping each shoulder, then as he stood to his feet, she placed it back in his hands. "Honor your commitment to me and your people." She smiled as she removed her crown, placing it on his head, and moved to the platform. The knight followed her and stood in front of her. Taking the Queen's face in his hands, he kissed her passionately, then stepped back. She knew to late of her father's sins, but even after convincing her people and promising peace and change, still accepted her fate from the gallows because in her death brought freedom and a king who brought a heart of pure love and compassion that had been showed upon her. The knight, turned king, turned his head as a single tear fell from his cheek as the once Queen's justice was served. He told her to late that his love was for her; but as a proper and Perfect Queen would she set herself free, giving all she had to her people. Now promising to lead and be the King they needed, he would accept his new role, in her honor

Author's Note

This is one of my stories that I started a while back. This is the only part currently posted on a few different sites. I'm not sure why the background is black, but I hope you enjoy and if you think I should finish the story let me know..I had a lapse of writers block with it.

Reviews

[Nathan Cavaliere]

A Criticism of Justice for Her People

Overview

You have got some potential here to make this story better, but as of now it’s a little lacking. The plotline is expressed too abruptly and isn’t very good at maintaining the drama. The awkward formatting, grammar, and language get in the way of appreciating the story. You may want to do a rewriting of the story.

Regarding Plot

What we see here seems more like a vignette from a large tale than a complete story in and of itself. That could definitely work if done well, but I think you perhaps went about this in an awkward manner. You do a lot of telling rather than showing, and it makes the scene feel less dramatic and relatable. Instead of telling us everything that happened through the Queen’s thoughts, maybe instead represent or hint at those events through the story. For example, instead of just saying that the King was evil, maybe have the audience shout out how the king wronged them or have one of the knights read out a sentencing which explains what happened. And instead of just saying that the Queen and Knight had been lovers, let their speech imply that. Currently as of now the direct telling dampens the dramatic effect and makes it difficult for us to feel immersed in the story.

And personally, I just felt like the latter half of the story was not convincing. So this knight just waltzes onto the chopping block and prevents one of the greatest offenders to the kingdom (at least in the crowd’s eyes) from being executed , and no one in the audience seems phased by this? Just a few minutes ago there where an angry bloodthirsty mob that was killing the servants for no reason, and suddenly now they are as docile as sheep? It kind of kills the dramatic effect to see just how easy it was for the crowd to be placated. And then the Queen kisses this Knight in the middle of the crowd, revealing that she had an affair? It is believable that that is what happened, but not so much that the crowd, which in medieval times would have been intensely religious, is so comfortable with this. A lot of the dramatic tension seems to die rather abruptly in the second paragraph, with no compelling reason as to why.

Regarding Characters

Your depiction of the character is too simple and doesn’t give them enough traits for them to be seen as humans. The behavior and thoughts of the Queen just seems inconsistent. She seems really intent on accepting the suffering from her people, and then seems to be really easily persuaded out of it. That kills the dramatic tension, because if that was all it took to change her mind than her conviction wasn’t really all that strong in the first place. And somehow she seems so focused on duty that she thinks it righteous to be executed for crimes she didn’t commit so long as the crowd is happy, and yet still engages in an affair, which would have been massively socially looked down upon at this time period? It seems like all the characteristics built up for her in the first paragraph are rapidly bashed down in the second paragraph with very little convincing. She just in general seems to have a real wishy-washy personality, despite being directly stated that this is not how she feels.

Regarding Language

Your formatting is real whack. The white text on black highlights on white background is disorienting, and following from one line to the next is not easy. Also, this story consists of a grand total of two paragraphs, and they should really be split into three times as much paragraphs, if not more. You also wrote your quotations for your characters wrong, as you are supposed to tell who said what in the same sentence that they said it, not separate it by periods. Also, whenever you include a sentence with a quote it is common grammar to create a new paragraph. You really need to space out your sentences a lot more, as the way they are crowded up like this is difficult to digest and easy to miss important things.

Your descriptions of things are also very limited and simplistic. While that works in some stories, in something like this where emotional impact is more important more description should be included. As of now it is hard to feel immersed in the story because the details are weak, it is hard to imagine what is going on.

Regarding Theme

The theme is very bluntly stated, but seeing as how this is almost a fairy tale that is only to be expected. I would still suggest possibly causing people to think more deeply about the plot by making the message less apparent. As of now, the directness of how it was stated leaves little to ponder. Maybe cause a little more confusion, ambiguity, and uncertainty over why the Queen made the decisions that she did? Or something like that? As of now, it is kind of thrown at us, and doesn’t make for a very good story.

Regarding Genre

What you have here is almost something closer to an unusually dramatic fairy tale than anything else. That is certainly an interesting concept to work with. You don’t see much literature nowadays that is in that area. The simplicity of the story certainly seems to be more suitable for a kid’s perspective than an adult’s. Don’t know whether you were going for it or not, but it ended up there. Make of that whatever you would like, I am not quite sure whether it is a good or a bad thing.

Verdict

You have something that could be made into a good story here, but as of now the execution is shoddy. The climax comes up as very abrupt and frankly crushes all the dramatic tension that was built up in the rising action, making everything beforehand seem much less emotional than it really was. Its all a very directly told story that doesn’t lend itself to much thought on the reader’s part. And the many formatting errors here don’t make it the most pleasing on the eyes to read. I think you need to consider more carefully what makes for the most dramatic effect and clearest formatting and rewrite the story accordingly. In its current form, a great deal of potential is left untapped.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

A few typos but apart from that a good story
I found it a bit hard in my eyes though with the black and white
Could be A historical Short story
Very interesting theme

[Hayllie]

I don't know why it has the black background I think I am gonna take it down and retype it and maybe it will take the black background away lol

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Up to u
Have a good night

[Coyote Poetry]

We do pay for the sins of our father. I liked the story. A honest view on life and struggle. Poor princess had to accept the payment for the father's greed. The story is well written and you led the reader to a good ending. Thank you Hayllie for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[Hayllie]

Thank you so much! I can't wait to finish this eventually lol I can only imagine where it will go lol

[Coyote Poetry]

Could be a interesting story. I write back-track stories often. To look back at the princess life. Maybe a Joan of Arc type tale. You are welcome dear Hayllie.

[KurKota]

It is a novel approach to a somewhat familiar theme of "the evil kingdom" vs "the people". It this respect, it drew me into the reading of it. I am uncertain where you will go with it from here. The stoey line now will be about the success of the new King? Peace in the kingdom? Wil "the people" accept him and eventually see her as having done a nobel thing for them....or not give him any chance because they see him just being a final manipulation by "her" evilness? Hmmmmmmm, where do you go with this ???....which direction?....hmmmmmm

You have us the reader wondering......good technique!!!! We want to read more to find out!

It does require just some basic typo corrections in the proofreading, but keep going, my dear friend! Which direction are you going to take us???

[Hayllie]

Yes this one is a little older than some of the other writings, so it deffinitly needs some editing..but the idea (to begin with) had been that her father(the King) had let his kingdom rot and fall because of his selfishness and greed, but she found out to late and before she could make peace with her people they overtook the Kingdom...I am very excited to just let my mind wander with this and see where it takes this story. I like the idea of trying to show the Knight-turned King, becoming something great and maybe make the kingdom better than ever before..but thats the best part about cliffhanger type stories right? I have to keep you wanting more ;) Thank you so much my dear friend!

[KurKota]

I look forward to reading where your great capabilities will take it.....where ever it will be, I know it will be great, my friend!

[Hayllie]

Thank you so much friend! That means a lot