Everything

It was a man named Dean who made me realize what I needed to. He is undergoing depression and was mentally unstable, but not from the beginning. I met him when he was still stable, not so close but close enough to know that he was smart, cheerful and confident. I felt sad and curious at the same time when I heard what happened to him. That was when I went to see him.

Me: Hi Dean. How are you?
Dean: I feel good and bad.
M: Why?
D: Yes. I know that I don’t know. Since I want to pretend that I know, I’m going to say it’s because of me.
M: Do you know what happened to you?
D: Yes. I drowned.
M: No, you didn’t. Do you not know why you were brought here?
D: Yes. I was brought to this room to talk to you. I was brought to this institution to heal. I was brought to this city to study. However, I do not know why I was brought to this world.

I was confused with how our conversation was going. I felt like I need to play along.

M: Why do you not know?
D: It’s just the way it is.
M: Why do you think you were brought to this world?
D: To be everything.
M: How?
D: Smart and dumb at the right time, happy and sad at the right moments, strong and broken as is appropriate, complete and incomplete, independent and dependent, rich and poor, faithful and hopeless, handsome and ugly, perfect and flawed, everything; I drowned with becoming everything.
M: What? I don’t understand.
D: You shouldn’t. You can’t be everything.
M: How do you know?
D: I tried. Now see where I am.
M: So you do know why you’re here?
D: Sometimes.
M: Do you want to get out of here?
D: Yes. I think my life is interesting with me being here, but I miss what’s outside.
M: What do you mean by your life is interesting with you here?
D: It’s dramatic, don’t you think? It makes you feel something when you think of me. You have to admit. Good or bad, I affect you.
M: Yes, you do.
D: That’s what I wanted before, I’m not sure anymore. Why do I live? Whys make me crazy, hows even more so. I wanted to be everything. Now I feel nothing. There’s something toying with me, I feel it. Please. No more. It’s here again.
M: What is?
D: Emptiness. It’s here. Go away. I want my life for myself. I want my death for myself.

And they dragged him away from me.