Paradox

Written while I was in school, around 1999.

Every night I try to let you go; free you, free myself
But everything you do and hurt me with
Feels too sweet in the cold morning light, the same tonic
Shame revealed.
My stifled screams and your obedient orders fill each
Night, each memory more perverse - haunted
By a deformed imagination, a calculated fear.
A new bruise, broken skin, crunch, polly flames;
Sympathy.
Weaker every second, stronger every minute, more loved every day.
Insanity breeds where harmony lies.
Two-second recognition then we all slip back to routine
Uncontrollable forms push me apart, open space, crystal mind.
It would be too easy to let you go; their love would slip away.
No love anyway.
I made you too independent, you hurt me in
Places you weren’t allowed to see; you were
Always allowed to touch every forbidden part of me.
Can’t give you up: the painless torture pierces
Every defect and wraps me up in sense and reason.
A motive deeper set in sickness. Every night a
More accomplished and precise misery, from you;
From myself.
I’m not protected, but this is the only place I’m safe.