The Last Hipster Allowed in a Coffee Shop

Short story about a hipster

   The hipster walked into the coffee shop carrying a faux leather briefcase and wearing a heavy backpack then ordered a small black coffee. While carrying his coffee he scouted out the shop for a table to set up. There was one in the corner, perfect. Setting down his coffee on the table and his case on the floor, he then carefully removed his backpack and set it on a chair. He unzipped it and removed a large box that he sat on the table. He pulled up another chair and sat down with his back to the corner. He scanned the room to see if anyone was watching him, no one was, this disappointed him slightly. 

   The box had two latches on it that he flipped up and removed the top half. Inside was an old typewriter. He placed the top half of the box back inside his backpack then opened the briefcase. The inside was divided into two sections, one section full of blank white paper and the other section was empty. He took one sheet of paper and feed it into the typewriter. He looked around again, still, no one bothered to look at him. He began to write his memoirs:

Here I sit in this quaint coffee shop looking fabulous. Hiking boots, unlaced. Skinny jeans, torn in all the right places. Vegan leather belt with ironic belt buckle. Recycled silk shirt that I purchased with the gift cards I received from my parents for Xmas. Snazzy vest. Sexy cardigan. Amazing blazer with elbow patches. Groomed beard and hair that looked too good to put a hat over despite the cold weather. I’m the best looking man or woman in this place. No one here is as cool as me. 

    He looked up and noticed several people looking at him. He had to control his excitement and tried not to smile. 

 

They have noticed me now. I bet they are all jealous of my cool typewriter or maybe it’s my hair. I know I’d be jealous of me. I am so awesome. The women all want to date me and the men all want to be me. I can feel it! 

Just then a large man pulled up a chair, flipped it around and sat down on it backward. The hipster smiled at him.

     “What’s this you’re writing?” The man asked.

     “My memoirs.” The hipster happily told him. The man burst out into laughter. 

     “Your memoirs? You can’t be much older than 25.”

     “I turned 23 a few months ago.” He wasn’t too happy with this man bothering him, especially since the man howled with laughter again at this. 

     “23 and writing your memoirs? You must live an exciting life.” the man said. This caused the hipster to puff out his chest.

     “I do in fact live an exciting life.” But before he could continue the man cut him off.

     “Let me guess. You’re in college, no job and mommy and daddy pay for everything? Am I right?” the man asked. He was right but the hipster didn’t see it as a bad thing.

     “Well, I’m getting my education so I can-”

    “Let me stop you there. No one gives a s**t about your privileged life.”

    “But I-” the hipster tried to argue back.

    “Did you not just park right outside in a brand new car?”

    “I did. My parents bought it for me for finishing last year’s college courses with good grades,” he said. The man howled again. “Go away. I’m busy.” 

    The man reached over and pulled the paper from the typewriter. The hipster jumped up to try and get his paper from him but the man began to read it aloud.  

   “Stop it! Give me my paper!” the hipster cried. Others in the coffee shop started to laugh too. Staff took notice of the ruckus being made. 

    “What’s going on?” the manager asked.

    “I’m trying to write and this jerk is bothering me!” the hipster whined.

    “I’m just having a friendly conversation with this young man.” the man smiled at the manager.

    “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” the manager said. She was looking at the hipster but he assumed she meant the man so he stuck his tongue out at him. “No. You, you have to leave.”

    “What? But I.. Why?” the hipster whined some more.

    “Because you are causing a disturbance with that loud machine.” she pointed to the typewriter. The hipster gasped in fake surprise. “Get out! Now! And don’t come back!” 

   The hipster quickly packed up his things and stomped out of the coffee shop but turned around before closing the door and said, “Your coffee sucks!” then he let the door slam shut. He had not even sipped the coffee that was still sitting on the table.

    The whole shop burst into laughter. 

    “Damn hipsters!” the manager said. “Thanks, Bobby for bringing him to my attention.” He was still holding the paper from the typewriter.

    “Do you want to frame this one?” he asked. 

    “Yes! It’s perfect for my “No hipsters allowed” sign!” she took the paper and added it to the frame of the sign then tacked it to the wall where anyone entering the shop could see it. 

    Days later two hipsters entered the coffee shop. One of them pointed the sign out to the other. They both cried “bullshit!” before leaving the shop. The patrons all clapped. No more hipsters ever visited that coffee shop and there were tables and chairs available to those that wanted to enjoy their coffee in the calm atmosphere without the distraction of a hipster begging for attention.