Love at christmas

Love....What is love? I find myself wondering as I walk along the sidewalk of this busy little town. I see all the couples hand in hand. I cant help but wonder. What's gotten into them? I dont know if its because of my past. The hurt the tourture the broken promises or if its because it seems so superficial.

 

The Christmas lights are shining and glistenin on the snow. For a minuet I get lost in my thoughts. Remembering my past love. The way he touched me when it was cold. His hands were so warm and tender. His kind words made even the darkest of days seem bright and ok. His heart was as big as one could hope. Always helping everyone around him. He had these Brown thick tresses that laid just right. These bright blue eyes that would capture anyone. his arms they made me feel safe, or so I thought.

 

All of a sudden I find myself falling..With a THUD I hit the ground. I hear laughter all around me. I feel as though I am about to die of embarrassment. Not knowing exactly what has happened. I try to open my eyes and get up. However, there is someone standing over me. a complete stranger. He's got tender eyes, made of bronze it looked like. I felt like I was looking at an angel.

 

Then he opened his mouth and I could see it moving but couldn't hear the words. His mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. Oh no am I deaf? Have I hit my head so hard that I cannot hear? Am I dreaming. Then in a moment I heard him saying "Ma'am, Ma'am can you hear me?

 

"Yes." I replied hesitantly. "Where am I?" , "What Happened?" I hear a low chuckle. Hahaha. Ma'am, you slipped on the ice and took a fall.  Did you not feel that or see it happening. "ugh, I think I have a headache." I said half truthfully. He reached down and grabbed my hand and helped me up. "Can I offer you a ride somewhere? To the hospital maybe?"

 

I turned and laughed at him loudly "haha, you men with your silly questions. Can I offer you this? , Can I offer you that? Really....Come up with something new. I have heard it all before. the promises always broken. The can I 's and have not's. Iam not falling for it this time."

 

With that I turned and walked away. I don't need a man in my life, not right now. I have come so far since the pain and torture I went through just a few months earlier. Is this my past creeping up on me again? Am I making myself believe that there is no love? No I don't think so. I think Iam right in this aspect. I have so much other stuff going for me.

 

My job, house, hobbies. I can do so much with my life without a man there. I don't need a man to feel good about myself or to make thing that's much better. Although at times it would be nice to have someone to come home to. Especially after working a nine to five sometimes longer. Depending on the day and the time of the week.

 

I arrived home and got  out of my wet soaking clothes from laying in the snow for so long. Took a long hot shower and put on my pajamas. I lit the fireplace and listened to it crackling into the wee hours of the night. For some reason I just could not sleep. These four beige walls that surround me feel like they are closing in.

What is wrong with me? Why can I not escape this prison that is my mind. Why , cant I be like those other women walking hand in hand down the street with someone to love. Am I really that unlovable  and disgusting that someone cannot be true to me? I keep looking around into the shadows cast by the fire in the fireplace trying to find an answer perhaps. Knowing full well I will not find one here.

 

The next morning as the sun crept up from behind the buildings that lined the streets. I realized I had missed my alarm clock. Running around like a mad woman in a dash to the finish line at the Boston Marathon. I got dressed not caring what I threw on and flew out the door. I don't even know if I had locked it behind me. The snow had fallen thickly the night before but that was no excuse to be late. Especially not now its right before Thanksgiving. We need to get ready for the big sales.

 

 Working at the local mall  isn't my dream job of course. I would rather be a fashion designer traveling the globe. We all have dreams right. I rushed to the bus stop only to find that I had missed the 8:00 bus. "D****t" I yell not thinking anyone would hear me. A few taxi's passed by none with their vacancy lit. Finally something I see another bus on the way. By now its already 9:30.

 

I have for sure lost my job. Iam just positive of that. All times for that to happen right before the holidays. So much for the fruit cake and family dinners. I guess I will be spending the holidays alone in my apartment with my cat. I got to the mall it was 10:00 everyone was bustling around wildly. As I rushed to Burdox the local department store. My boss was there to meet me at the entrance... "Melody, Where have you been?" I looked at him in disbelief. "Mr. Sheffield, Please do not act like  you are going to keep me on. I know iam horribly late. I over slept. " "melody, please stop talking and just come on get to work!"

 

Confused I looked at him and said "Yes, sir." The day seemed to drag on. I felt like I had been here for hours and it was only 11:00 only an hour had passed. It seemed like an eternity. Finally I got the call for my lunch break. I felt a mess and knew I needed to take a moment to pull myself together. So I went back to the staff restroom and I threw on my make up and brushed my hair. That's the least I could do there wasn't much helping anything else at the moment.

 

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. How I became so lost amd scared of everything around me. Especially love. I feel like I am a goldfish swimming Round in circles in a little tiny fishbowl. Waiting for my next meal amd for my bowl to be cleaned. How I wish I could see things differently. The way I used to see them. I was a free spirit. That is until Kevin had come into my life. Don't get me wrong he had his good qualities at first. It seems so long ago that he was good to me. That he would treat me like a trophy. I knew it was inevitable though. It always happens. I am always the girl that ends up hurt and broken. As I finally shook it off and looked in the mirror I realized I was going to be late getting back from lunch if I ddidn't pull it together here. Its unbelievable how lost I get.

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[B.S. Scarpa]

Rough Draft let me know what you think so far please!