Introduction Letter to the Afterlife.....

Drink compelled me.

Dear Sir/Madam,

 

If you are wondering where you are, and why you're currently stood in a small white room with no door, fear not, all shall be explained. By the fact that you are now reading this I am afraid that you are dead. Yes, a shame I have no doubt, but you should have known that threatening a violent diabetic with sweets was never a good idea. So I can't imagine what was running through your mind when you screamed, "Taste the rainbow m**********r" and peppered the poor fellow with skittles. It's just not on. And if you're wondering, we removed the steel pole from your backside when you were in the transition phase........

 

Now, if you have come to terms with your fate it is important to read the ground rules. The place where you're going has been reffered to as many things like, beautiful, pure bliss, evangelic.............

 

So i'm sure that 'way overcrowded' was not one of your initial thoughts. For two millenia this place has been filling up. Almost every human to have died upon the earth has ended up in this place. Even Adolf Hitler, of whom I am sure you will be suprised to hear, made it in. (God gave him one chance to get in, and Adolf wagered he could out-trick God himself with a taste test. I still can't believe Adolf won. And God still can't believe it's not butter) But anyway......

 

We set up a list of ground rules, so that anyone abusing his right to eternal peace and generally pissing off the spirit world can be banished to solitary confinement for a few thousand years.

 

So, the rules are as follows:

 

1) You are required to build your own furniture upon arrival. To be quite frank the Almighty One totally misjudged the numbers of chairs needed. The Romans fucked the entire world over in a short amount of time and since then we've been out of stock.

 

2) Whoever smelt it, delt it.

 

3) Disregard almost everything you read in the Bible or the Qu'ran. These were not Gods words, just a guess. Common sense should have told you this. God already sent down his own scribe to jot down his ideas but J.R.R.Tolkein went off on one so he didn't quite capture the message we had in mind.

 

4) Genghis Khan is head of security ever since Vlad the Impaler was involved in a hooker scandal a few decades ago. (We tried to stop him hitting people with hooks, but we couldn't manage it, so he's banished) If you make a general nuisance of yourself he does have the authority to kick your sorry arse to the Underworld. And yes, there is an Underworld, and Hades runs it. We have no idea how the Greeks guessed that correctly. We consider it a fluke.

 

5) Tits or GTFO is a very real threat. This is a male God after all, make with the goods ladies.......

 

6) Do not bother God, he doesn't have time for religious zealots. I remember when someone made him jump during work hours, and he spilt his drink everywhere. We never did find Atlantis.

 

7) You will never feel hungry or thirsty, but there is food and drink if you want it. Bare in mind that the que in any local pub is likely to be huge. And the Barbarian tribes of Roman times tend to push in quite a bit so take a large blunt object with you.

 

And finally, 8) Watchout for the Dinosaurs. They're b******s for eating people.

 

There are more things that you'll get used to, but don't worry about those for the moment. Just take the door that is forming on your left and please trust me when I say don't eat the yellow snow, it is NOT lemon flavoured. Just think of how many people pass through here. Alot of them needed to go.......

 

Best of luck,

 

(The guy who writes this letter of whom I couldn't think of a good name for. Lets just call him Kenneth)

Author's Note

My brain went off on one. Enjoy.

Reviews

WOW! This was offensive, hurtful, creative, hilarious, and amazing all wrapped into one. I laughed at all of the little pun things you had in each rule ;) I haven't read something FUNNY on this website in a very long time. It's all just depressing poetry and serious books, which is fine, but this was a refreshing change. Thank you for making my night so much brighter. I going to save this into my favorites if you don't mind ;) I will also make sure to request it to my good online friends here.
100/100

[Unknown Shri]

I'm an atheist and loved every damned word of it! The way you put in some world history, just too good.

[The Analog Kid]

This is funny s**t. Loved it!

[GunMetal]

This was so very entertaining. Thank you so much. =)

[Alexanne Dauntless]

This was just plain brilliant. I loved this. I'm still laughing. I can't think of any point of critique; and I sure as hell (I mean... underworld...) didn't take time to focus on dots and commas. Very amusing. :)

[Jessica]

Oh my god. I LOVE THIS. You made me laugh so hard, tears are running down my cheeks. Keep it coming, I need more of this type of writing to brighten my days and nights. :)

[Courtney]

Wow this is a little offensive to me because I believe in God and some of the things you said about him was hurtful to me. Most of those things you said about God are not true. It was good but I it was offensive about God.

[Jessie Sianodel]

Hilarious! Sorry I couldn't get to it earlier!

[Gangsta Possum!!]

Like all your writing, blooming hilerious! I loved it! Hahaha gave me a good giggle xD

[Bridget Mcmaken]

wow this is so funny. Amazing write

[R J Askew]

Rule 6 appeals to me immensely. I like the notion of things not quiet being as we, or some of us, not me, like to imagine.