Stay Away From Me

Halloween thoughts sorta....

Darkened night the moonlit shined,

The voices bitching intertwined.

Come play with us out in the night,

Under the darkness of the moonlight.

Dance among thieves that steal away,

Your soul and heart they capture at bay.

Ghosts haunting slithering like mice,

Caught by rapture without thinking twice.

Now you want my being held in your jar,

Without a mention how long or how far.

I am not so compliant to speak my mind,

My eye's see in the dark and I am not blind.

Go now and leave without speaking a sound,

Return to your place where fools can be found.

I will remain alone as everyone said I will be,

Just do my the favor and stay away from me.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I like your message mostly becuz it's original & it skirts the line between spooky Halloween tale with lots of true-to-life sentiments mixed thru-out. I'm not crazy about your rhyming. It feels like you are picking the rhymes, then trying to write the lines to end up with the rhyming words you've decided to use. It just doesn't flow for me. But I'm a hardcore rhyming addict, so I might be a little extra critical.

"Under the darkness of the moonlight" makes no sense to me. That's one example of a rhyme that feels manufactured just to fill in this spot with a rhyming word instead of crafting a line that has sparkle becuz it hits the nail on the head with truth & recognition. "I am not so compliant to speak my mind" is another statement that sounds contradictory to me. Compliant people typically do NOT speak their minds. These are the kinds of "off" meanings that make it feel like you're trying to rhyme more than you're trying to say something that rings true.

I particularly like the last stanza, as it totally rings true & is very relatable.

[Bohrium Guy]

Thanks for the review.I gave it some thought and I really appreciate your input. Yea I kinda goof in a few things, guess no sleep and feeling my moods didn't mix well. I will most likely end up revising this piece when I am not so overworked. I have been pushing 92 hours this week so its been hectic.

~Rob~