Words I Think Should Be

From the world of Brat Rat

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.

Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Boycott: Somewhere to keep male babies.

Bouyant: A male insect.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Divorce: The future tense of the word "marriage".

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Fine: A tax for doing wrong.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed.

Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress

Monogamy: A bored game for adults.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Myth: A female moth.

Naggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel.

Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Tax: A fine for doing right.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.