A Rich Substance

Something beautiful happens
When life overflows
Like the chance meeting
Of duelling banjos

You play the guitar
Much better than me
On your lonely nights
While I ran free

Then love finally turns up
Unsteady on the nerves
A flowing rich substance
More than anyone deserves

Reviews

[Abhishek Izy]

This is subtle and beautiful, my friend. I enjoyed it.

[Pete]

this is impressive. such power in your words and imagery. excellently effective.

[R J Askew]

Love the notion of duelling banjos! Witty yet acute observation.

[R J Askew]

I have just reread the your poem and it is still a delight.

[barleygirl]

There are brilliant lines & ideas in this poem, but altogether, it doesn't gel into a cohesive message for me. Example: I expected the "play guitar" stanza (starting off great) to lead to something interesting, but then the poem veers off into unrelated territory & doesn't make sense when all 4 lines are read together. It sounds like childlike gushing instead of crafting a scenario to touch the reader's heart & mind. I know some people write like this on purpose, so I don't expect you to change just from my comments, but I have to give you my honest feedback. The title is so rich & intriguing, but I just don't see this message being carried thru-out.

[Érenn]

Hi there ^^ Well I dropped by here since you sent me a FR but i don't just accept them like that I guess. Still I was curious enough and I wanted to take a peek at your works

I like poems written in brevity, because they are meant to have a lot of impact and they can invoke so many possibilities. Although with this one... things weren't exactly there. Maybe adding another verse would have done the trick or writing a second stanza which invoked more imagery would have been preferred.

The second stanza is very vague...... maybe trying to maintain the rhyme scheme might have led to that. I like what you are trying to express here, that is really good and you have maintained structure as well.
I just felt this could have been a lot more....Because your third stanza is exceptional and while the first stanza is good the second stanza brings down the over all effect of the poem.

Still it is a good poem ^^

My only suggestion( you may follow or you may not follow it) is that when writing in brevity is either try to invoke a lot of imagery, or string words that invoke a lot of thought and one must choose their words wisely since they are not writing much to begin with. Always packs more of a punch and a lot more effective.
Thank you for sharing ^^ and I will be looking into more of your works soon ^^

[Valentine]

A very nice write, Valentine

[Jane Taylor Hardy]

Love the depth and poignancy of this beautiful write.

[Confuser]

It is a Rich Substance: Love the title and the writing; the title says it all, but you continue using music as a beautiful metaphor: quite lovely. Thank you very much. Dale

[Avinash]

When you are in love you are almost like inside a nuclear reactor. Not everyone can handle that much energy. If you do you are transformed for life. Thanks for inviting.

[Bear]

Music it is said is an act of controlled chaos that gives meaning to mad men's thoughts. Your poem is like that, it has brought words together to give meaning to a piece of iconic music, Bravo!