The Walker In The Woods

Several witnesses, but all have a different conclusion. What happened here?

The Walker in the Woods

 By M.L. Zane


"I'm tellin' you, I know what I saw!"

The smoke still stings my eyes, even though the fire has long gone out. I rub away irritation and contemplate Visine, but keep questioning the 'witness' as the arson team combs what's left of the Ford Escort. I don't know much about cars, but they probably aren't meant to burst into flames. We even have a handful of witnesses; a passed out drunk, an angry farmer, and some teenager moving by at the wrong time.

"It came right there, right outta the woods. You gotta believe me!" Sure do, angry farmer. I really need to get into vice.

"Calm down, sir. Start from the beginning." It would help if you could add some coherence too. Thanks.

The old farmer wiped the sweat from his brow. His breath reeked of whiskey, soaked right into a greasy beard, but something sure spooked him. "All right. Okay. So, I was walkin' to the gas station to pick up some smokes."

"You walked?"

He nods. "Yessir. It was a nice night, and I coulda used the air. Anyway, I see a car parked over there by the woods. No lights on, and I thought I saw somebody inside. I figured 'Hey, these people might be stuck', so I went to see if they needed any help. I ain't got a cell phone, but maybe I could show 'em to a gas station or something."

"I see."

The farmer leaned in closer, like he was afraid who would hear him. Was this guy scared of ghosts or something? "Then...I saw her. Skinny little thing walking out of the woods. Face was covered up, but she had a real long ponytail. Blonde, real light. Like sand. Anyway, she goes over the car, right...and then it happened."

"What happened exactly?"

"Well, it just...exploded!"

"Exploded?"

And like that, calm turns to frantic. "Yeah, it blew right up! She walked up to the car and it exploded in a big ball of fire! The people inside...damnit, they didn't come back out."

I took in a hard breath. What do you say to that? "No survivors, then?"

He hung his head down low. "No. No, I didn't see any. Just that woman walking off, right back into the woods."

I bit my lip, still struggling for words. The pause must've gone on for miles, but I finally decided to get out of it. "I'm going to check with arson. You gonna be all right?"

He took a swig from his hip flask. "Yeah, guess so."

I made a beeline for the other officers combing the scene. One of them was fishing something out of the rubble, and I tapped him on the shoulder. Pulling up what looked like a charred doll, he peered back at me. "Yeah?"

"So, what've we got?"

Dropping the doll in an evidence bag, the arson guy gives me a funny look. "Weird stuff. It'll definitely have your head scratching."

"Great. That's what the last guy said." I need coffee.

He hands off the bag, and crosses his arms. "It's definitely not a mechanical problem. The parts look clean under the hood besides being torched. All burnt, but no crossed wires or damage that could've caused the fire."

"But there's damage due to the fire?"

"Right on the money. But that isn't the weird part. We found a key in the ignition, but no sign of any passengers. The car was brand new. The plates are temporary, though there's not much left of them."

"Huh."

He gives me an impish grin. "Annnnnd, get this. No sign of tampering with the car, no explosives, gasoline, or any indication at all that someone set it on fire. It just erupted into flames. The only thing we found was that charred doll. Not even a damn match. But, it's not all creepy weird stuff. We did find one thing."

I yawn, my hands scraping against sleepless stubble. "And that is?"

He waves me over to some marks in the dirt nearby. Sure enough, a set of footprints leading into the woods. "Footprints. Very small feet, but something came in, and back out again. See that kinda 'U' shape? Somebody came over to the car."

"And then went to the woods?"

He gives me a thumbs up. "Welp, go get 'em killer. I need to write the weirdest file of my career."

Just a few feet away, I can hear some of my fellow officers questioning the last witness. Just like the farmer, she's hysterical and my coworkers are really wishing they had a fresh pot of coffee. I exhale a wisp of cold breath, hoping to be home soon.

"He just ran in there after it! Please, he's out there with that...thing! You've got to believe me!" I'm getting too old for this.

Shining my light on the ground, I find the trail again. Little feet in the mud lead the way. I don't know what I'm looking for, but something is definitely better than nothing. Still, doesn't mean I like chasing ghosts in the woods. All mud, prints, and a leg. Wait, a leg?

Sure enough, there's a guy sitting on the ground here. He looks uninjured, but he's not moving. I checked his pulse...just knocked out. I flash my light on his face, but no response. Comatose? Whatever, I'm taking him with me. Maybe he can explain what the hell happened when he comes to. I call my partner on the radio, and we scoop the poor guy up.

Just as we're coming out of the woods, he moves. Then, he gives a raspy, choking cough. "The hell happened?"

My partner helps the mud caked guy to his feet, and I light a cigarette. "I was hoping you could tellme that."

"The car...we found it burning."

"You and your girlfriend?"

He gives me a confused look. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"She's the one that pointed us into the woods. Why were you out there anyway?"

"I was-" Before he could finish, he froze. He stared at something behind me, pointing with a shaking hand. "T-that. Over there."

I turned just in time to see it leave my view, in a flash of white. I only caught a glimpse of it, but there was one detail I was able to make out; a long, blonde ponytail. I booked it. "Freeze!"

Ducking behind the tree, I found...nothing. No sign of her ever being here. I shined my light through the trees,  giving me nothing but disappointing shadows. That was until I looked down. There they were, clear as day in the fresh mud; a pair of footprints. None led to them, and none led away.

Author's Note

Please review honestly, brutal if possible. As usual, if you like it, spread the word.

Reviews

[char]

In the beginning, I got confused as to which person he was talking to. First, it was the farmer, then the "arson guy". I most likely read over it, but I didn't notice the change in characters. Maybe a name would help with that. If the main character called the arson guy by a name, it will help differentiate the characters from one another and clean up any confusion. It doesn't have to be a full name, a last name or a nickname will do.

Personally, I prefer third person POV, but, in a way, I like the way you told the story. It's personalized to the protagonist. I feel that the ending could pack more of a "punch", but in order to do so, you would have to rewrite the whole story.

Regardless, I like the story. Roshomon stories can be very interesting and if you write more, I would very much be interested in reading them.

[M. L. Zane]

It's always a worthy experiment to play with. I'm surprised how much traffic this one is seeing.

[LJW]

Overall left a good feel.

"T- that" Suggestion: If your character is stammering it would read better as Tha- that or maybe Th-that. Reads as Tee That as you wrote it.

A lot of ..... Again, I struggle with punctuation. Visually things sometimes jump out at me. There's a name for this five dot sequence ..... I forget what it is but my editor cautioned me on the usage.

High Five: For the narrational tone. Favorite bit:

All mud, prints, and a leg. Wait. A leg?
(That's not exactly how you wrote it so that's a suggested edit too.)

Cops were a little too convinced there was no mechanical reason the car burst into flames. A new car can def burst into flames and often do. Visible signs of an internal motor malfunction aren't evident. So I'd edit a lot of that piece out.

Your story hooked me. Nice work. 90/100

[LJW]

Overall left a good feel.

"T- that" Suggestion: If your character is stammering it would read better as Tha- that or maybe Th-that. Reads as Tee That as you wrote it.

A lot of ..... Again, I struggle with punctuation. Visually things sometimes jump out at me. There's a name for this five dot sequence ..... I forget what it is but my editor cautioned me on the usage.

High Five: For the narrational tone. Favorite bit:

All mud, prints, and a leg. Wait. A leg?
(That's not exactly how you wrote it so that's a suggested edit too.)

Cops were a little too convinced there was nomechanical reason the car burst into flames. A new car can def burst into flames and often do. Visible signs of an internal motor malfunction aren't evident. So I'd edit a lot of that piece out.

Your story hooked me. Nice work. 90/100

[Dan Hiland]

Nice and spooky, with an attention-getting lead-in. Good description, dialogue, and a nice balance beween the two. The creepy ending paragraph is a fitting stopping point.

My main criticism is about the tense, which changes seven times throughout the story.
Sentences with the following first lines are in past tense: "The old farmer wiped the sweat from his brow"; "The farmer leaned in closer,"; "I took in a hard breath"; "I was-" Before he could finish, he froze."

Also, the narrator's sarcastic asides while talking to the farmer seem overdone. I guess you need to flesh out the narrator's character, but it's a little off-putting to me. But that's just my opinion, as I'm new at character reveals and development.

Nice beginning to something more sinister ahead...

[Flora]

The story sounds very interesting!! I'm eager to find out the rest of it!!! Great work!!!

[M. L. Zane]

I hadn't planned on adding more onto this, though things might change in the future. It's worth considering, as you never know when previous work will come in handy.

[DanteYurei]

The story is nice and interesting, but I found that the way its written is very confusing (could just be me, thought). Also I think it lacks some tension building for the ending that you present.

Hope it helps!

[M. L. Zane]

It does. Always glad for the feedback, Dante. I definitely feel that this is one of my weaker pieces, and it does need work. The footprints just aren't scary enough.

[nozone]

I’m interested in the story. Overall it’s written well. Line 5 - Shore do, angry farmer, somehow doesn’t work for me. Absolutely hayseed) maybe, if the cop was thinking it. / line 6 - Instead of (coherence) take me though it step by step, with all the little details, so I can pull this thing together. / line 3 + 7 - It seems the passed out drunk and the angry farmer are two people, but then the farmer is drunk which is confusing. /line 21 - When you say, they didn’t come back out, it implies to me he saw them get in. / line 26 - I don’t think a cop is going to allow a drunk witness to take another drink. I’m shore it has happened but still. / line 35 – Sentence states obvious. Over all the characters are real and story pulls the reader along.

[M. L. Zane]

Refreshing to see some honest feedback. Rashomon stories are always fun, and I just might do more. I'll review one of yours when I get a chance. I may merge this into another story in the future. If you like it, spread the word.