A Prologue to Psychotic Entitlement, or Ad Vitam Aut Culpam

Ad Vitam Aut Culpam- Latin for "For life or until fault." Advocatus Diaboli- "Devil's Advocate" Ad perpetuam memoriam- "In perpetual memory"

  She stands in the rain.  The sound of the drops hitting her skin and the ground play like music, like the descant, harmonizing peacefully with the otherwise chaotic score that plays constantly inside of her.  The one violin that is in tune, playing the same melody as the screeching and pained consorts that compose her thoughts.  This feeling is desipient but she can't deny it's beauty. 

 

  She imagines herself slipping into the windows of her neighbors, making herself at home.  She puts on their clothes, sips their wine and waits.  She doesn't know yet what she will wait for but, inevitably, they will come home and like Goldilocks, she will have to either run or provide reason for her presence. 

Or act with outlandish hostility. 

 

  She is making herself into them and who are they to deny her a perceived identity? 

 

  She visualizes herself creeping around like the antagonist in a horror film, crawling on hands and knees, hiding deep within closets, moving things barely noticeably to the left so that her presence is known, but only vaguely.  Only in instinct but not dianoetically.  She sees herself waiting. 

 

  Waiting to be discovered. 

Waiting to learn her own reaction.  Her thirst for voyeurism is unquenchable and her bravery is unmatched and she wants to be everyone else while they watch her perform their own lives with grace and beauty of which they are not capable.  They don't allow themselves the freedom to act as such.  The lucidity needed to live their lives to the fullest is a lucidity that can only be achieved when someone else pretends to live it for them. 

 

  She can provide that gift, that willingness to really FEEL their every moment, though she may not allow them to feel many more.  She will make them regret their own velleity and give them motivation but too little, too late.  If she commandeers their existence, she assumes responsibility for their sins.  She will be their advocatus diaboli. 

 

  Ad perpetuam memoriam of sorrow and fear.  Beloved memories even if none exist.  This is a favor.  This deserves reward but her reward is being someone else, if only briefly.  Like water between the lips and down the throat of a child thirsting to death, she is rewarded with sanctity as well as sanctuary so please don't assume the worst.  She doesn't desire to cause harm and their screaming makes her anxious but dancing through their halls to off-handed compositions and crying, dying

...instruments..

fill her with beauty she can't find elsewhere.

 

Don't ask for her name, lest she reply with your own.