I Am Your Star and You Are My Sky

The night was dark, the stars were bright

I called your phone, we talked all night

For hours so long we laughed and smiled

In the night so mild but we were wild

We've loved each other for a long time now

We never gave up, we showed faith in our vow

Our love was rare but so are we

We never cared 'cause today we're free

You are my prince in this scary place

You've loved me since the very first day

I've loved you since I touched your face

You said you'll never leave, that this isn't a play

You may not be perfect but you are for me

You are my sky while I am your star

We'll prove forever exists so they'll see

We may not be perfect but this love is ours.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I like the simplicity of your expression here. Your rhyming is not following a regular pattern, but I don't think rhyming has to be the same thru-out. In many of your lines, the rhythm is similar, but once in awhile there's a longer line that feels like it could be pruned back by removing a couple extra words that don't fit into the overall rhythm scheme. Example (stanza2/lines 1&2) . . . could be: We loved each other forever now, not giving up faith in our vow (this is just one possibility of trimming a few syllables to maintain the rhythm of the first stanza).

I do not like the last line . . . it feels like the word "scar" is being used just to get the rhyme. Love ALWAYS has scars, so this is not believable or realistic. I don't like love poems that are all good becuz life is never all good. It makes writing more multi-layered to show contrasts of good & bad, light & dark, pain & pleasure. Otherwise a love poem is one-dimensional.

[JayG]

As odd as it may sound, the rhyme is not the purpose of rhyming poetry. It acts as part of the rhythm of th language, a "tink" of the symbol in accent, not the thud of the bass drum.

And as such the rhyme should be in service of the thought, never the thought in service of the rhyme, as it is here.

When you talk to a person in a poem, to illustrate a thought, the reader, inherently, is missing all kinds of information about the people and the background that would make it meaningful. So they have no context for what they're reading, and no emotional involvement—unless the thought is expressed so beautifully they are moved to say, "I wish I could express it like that."

But in this case you're using prosaic language, forced to the needs of the rhyme. For example the line:

"In the night so mild but we were wild"

By the words of the first stanza the people involved are apart, and on the phone, presumably inside, so the "mild night" is irrelevant to the thought, other then supplying the rhyme. And since you clearly say they "laughed and smiled," the term "wild" hardly applies. But again, you needed a rhyme, so...

There's a lot to writing poetry that's not obvious to those outside the field until it's pointed out. And that's my point. You have the desire, and you enjoy poetry. A little background on what makes us like it, and what tricks there are to make it appeal to our reader would do a great deal of good so far as hooking that reader. That's why I so often suggest reading the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon.

What he has to say about language, prosody, and rhyming is useful to pretty much any writer, to improve the flow of words.

[wordman]

a beautiful statement of your love,and the wish to remain forever

[Valentine]

Interesting write and rhymes well. Valentine