Young Heart

Love is all she wanted 

She even made it free for all 

Then she cried and no one knew 

She screamed but no one heard 

Then after one love failed 

She'll love again for her sake 

For happiness that she wanted 

Happiness that she never knew 

But still life's unfair 

She wanted love, life gave her goodbyes

Oh! What a young heart 

Saying goodbye to innocence.

 

Reviews

[JayG]

Hard to talk about innocence when your opening says she "made it free for all." Remember, the meaning you intend doesn't make it past the keyboard. It's what the words suggest to your reader, based on THEIR experience.

But in the end, the poem's message is that someone wanted love, didn't get it, and was despondent. And that, unfortunately, pretty well matches the "dismal damsel" poems that fill every high school lit-mag—and pretty much, every young girl's first romance/breakup and reaction.

Good practice for life, and for writing poetry? Sure. But your own reading of it is driven by memories and personal experience, so the wrords point to memories, and recall emotion stored in your mind. You also touch the memories of girls still young enough to have immediate empathy—which is why the lit-mags feature it.

But why not push out of the mold? Instead of talking about a general experience, why not place the reader into-the-moment? Real-time emotion the reader is made to experience always beats a report on history. Why not make THEM feel the emotion, rather than knowing of it. Poetry is all about emotion, yes, but it's the emotion you evoke in-the-reader, not what you report of your own.

As a smaller issue. Be careful with your font. Lots of schools don't teach cursive anymore. And the Mistral font compounds that because of the heavy strokes, making it harder to read.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[D Connolly]

Very well put. I have also had to be careful "telling" the reader when I write stories. I enjoy conjuring my own emotions, and this young woman, bless her heart, just, well, she pisses me off. I used to be a young girl who cried when a boy didn't like me, and as I've grown up, I've found that relying on others' opinions of me is dangerous and unfulfilling. I hate to see this type of thing romanticized, even if it is a natural thing for young girls (and boys??) to go through.

[Satoshi IroTzu]

Respect, Christian Bonoan

I am under an impression that she committed suicide.
I can feel she felt helpless. I think invested herself with people who were not appreciating her.

Keep writing, keep investing, keep growing.

[Darian B.]

Its an interesting font choice but I actually like it for this piece, it looks nice and because the piece isn't too long, the fact that it is a little harder to read is actually an advantage in that I have to really focus on the words I'm reading. As far as the poem goes, how true is it that after seeking for love anywhere we can find it, our innocence is taken by wolves in sheep's clothing. Nice piece overall, I especially love the last line

[XO Vee]

Short and sweet. I love the rhyme and rhythm! Good job! Thank you for sharing!

[Jenny Leigh]

Nicely written. Like how it talks about being able to love again after heart break.

[Paul Bell]

Sometimes love needs to worked at, no matter what the films say.

[wordman]

sounds like she would trade her soul for love,it`s all she wants ,is to be loved

[M.A.]

The is a beautiful piece. Love and pain go hand in hand you captured that very well. Thank you for sharing.

[Shannon]

Love again for her sake. Extremely insightful.

[barleygirl]

This describes my long life of missed opportunities. I strongly relate. There are many spot-on sentiments that make your poem sing: "she even made it free for all" . . . "she wanted love, life gave her goodbyes" . . . Even tho this is a sad message, somehow I sense a current of strength & resilience in the way your heroine keeps trying, no pity-party, just describing how life goes when our every effort comes up short. This is the ultimate description of "saying goodbye to innocence" . . . at some point we grow up & just sock away our failures to advise future actions.