Young Heart

Love is all she wanted 

She even made it free for all 

Then she cried and no one knew 

She screamed but no one heard 

Then after one love failed 

She'll love again for her sake 

For happiness that she wanted 

Happiness that she never knew 

But still life's unfair 

She wanted love, life gave her goodbyes

Oh! What a young heart 

Saying goodbye to innocence.

 

Reviews

[JayG]

Hard to talk about innocence when your opening says she "made it free for all." Remember, the meaning you intend doesn't make it past the keyboard. It's what the words suggest to your reader, based on THEIR experience.

But in the end, the poem's message is that someone wanted love, didn't get it, and was despondent. And that, unfortunately, pretty well matches the "dismal damsel" poems that fill every high school lit-mag—and pretty much, every young girl's first romance/breakup and reaction.

Good practice for life, and for writing poetry? Sure. But your own reading of it is driven by memories and personal experience, so the wrords point to memories, and recall emotion stored in your mind. You also touch the memories of girls still young enough to have immediate empathy—which is why the lit-mags feature it.

But why not push out of the mold? Instead of talking about a general experience, why not place the reader into-the-moment? Real-time emotion the reader is made to experience always beats a report on history. Why not make THEM feel the emotion, rather than knowing of it. Poetry is all about emotion, yes, but it's the emotion you evoke in-the-reader, not what you report of your own.

As a smaller issue. Be careful with your font. Lots of schools don't teach cursive anymore. And the Mistral font compounds that because of the heavy strokes, making it harder to read.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[D Connolly]

Very well put. I have also had to be careful "telling" the reader when I write stories. I enjoy conjuring my own emotions, and this young woman, bless her heart, just, well, she pisses me off. I used to be a young girl who cried when a boy didn't like me, and as I've grown up, I've found that relying on others' opinions of me is dangerous and unfulfilling. I hate to see this type of thing romanticized, even if it is a natural thing for young girls (and boys??) to go through.

[Kevin Gerardo]

The moral issue from this poetry is that sometimes love can be so painful even though we still want it more. But the pain that we have experienced can make us even stronger than before. Life must go on and so does love.
Great work Christian!

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSh..]

You never really say good bye to innocence. It will appear in many ways through out your life. It is significant the first time we realize how vulnerable we are and we will never be that girl again. So mourn it and understand it for what it is. Do not stay there to long because on the other hand it can be empowering to never be the naive one. The poem is very strong in that even though you are hurting I am reading and seeing how confident you are. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Sheer Terror

[Rebecca Garber]

I see this poem and I understand it clearly. I did not have to read it a second time. I understand. It is a painful yet a tragic thing but it is life and it is happening all around us. Good write.

[Coyote Poetry]

Most of us learn young. Love is painful.
"She wanted love, life gave her goodbyes
Oh! What a young heart
Saying goodbye to innocence."
Time make the innocence of youth fade away to distance dream. Thank you Christian for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Anjali]

Christian, a wonderful poem written from a female perspective. She gave her love to all for free yet life gave her goodbyes. Its more often said that people who are the nicest suffer the most. For people assume them as fools and take them for granted, never ever consider their sensitive emotions and play with it.

Anyways, I liked the way you put your ideas in such simple manner to be understood by anyone who reads them. Simplicity is what I prefer for it could win you more admirers than you ever could think.

Great work Christian. Keep it up!

[Emily]

Lovely wording!
Keep it up!

[Hebe]

You can feel the sense of regret.... and the pain

[Valentine]

I agree with Jay. Innocence does not mean what you have expressed in this write. Valentine

[D Connolly]

Oh, if only she would have found worth in herself rather than others! So sad..

[Mitch]

A very melancholy feel to it. Losing innocence is always hard. I found the font on this particular one a little difficult to read. Nice write.