Broken

I showed you all of my soul and love

But you're forced to say "I love you too"

I cried like i'm in the sky above

Causing rain to my own soul, so blue

Your lies appeared like dark skies

To me whose love was all pure

I loved you, truly no lies

But you tore me without cure

You break me like your promises

I now lie in the bathroom floor

Picking up pieces of our memories

And all the things that I adored

I wept in the river down the hill

As I saw someone in the water

A girl, full of tears, and so ill

It was me, that just got slaughtered.

Author's Note

Note: The slaughtered in the last line was informal :)

Reviews

[Darian B.]

I absolutely love that line, "you break me like your promises." There are plenty of other great lines in there but I think that one takes the prize. I agree with Anonymous; NONY though. If you havent already, experiment with your writing and try different things, you may find that there is a writing form you like even better than the one you currently use. Even if you end up continuing to use the style you use now, you will know that it is because you really do prefer this style. Other than that, great work!

[JayG]

If I was the one this "letter" is written to, I might know what you're referring to. If id I did, I might feel remorse. But I'm not. And for all I know, the breakup was all the fault of the dismal damsel writing the letter.

What can a reader who knows nothing about either character or the situation say but "Uh-huh."? They have a letter but no context. And in writing context isn't just important, it's everything. Your reader is seeking to experience an emotional moment, not be informed on how someone they don't know feels about a situation never explained.

So instead of talking TO the reader, invite them in to experience the emotions by making them real.

.

[Neal S]

"You break me like your promises" Great line. I dig this.

[PoeticSorcery]

people can really hurt us sometimes, in ways we've scarcely ever imagines they could.

[J.M. Wise]

Definite improvement, smoother flow and solid rhyme scheme. As someone once told me, try to focus on the syllables and how they are stressed in each line to really reach a new level.

[Valentine]

You are catching on to the rhyme scheme. Just keep your material on one subject at a time. Valentine

[barleygirl]

Your writing construction is good using rhythm & rhyme . . . except for the one word "cure" which sounds like a "reach" as far as trying to get the rhyme, but not fitting the sentence as well as it could. I like the way each stanza presents a different scenario & some details to show how it all happened & how the narrator feels broken. I like the line "you're forced to say I love you" becuz this is harshly true to life about the way some people only say it becuz it's expected from them.

The last stanza is the best & it's obvious the narrator is looking at her reflection in the water & feeling like she's been slaughtered (in your author's note, I think you mean "metaphor" rather than "informal" -- she's not really slaughtered, but using a figure of speech, feeling slaughtered inside).

[Christian Bonoan]

Thanks for this review, i appreciate it :)

[XO Vee]

I find that you clearly show true pain while writing, but keep in mind that you do not have to fit social standards. I strongly believe that you can grow within your own writing and poetry by forgetting about what others are doing with theirs, and by showing this same pain in a more original and unique fashion. I surely have felt this same form of rejection you portray in your poem, and I love the message about metaphorically being slaughtered. Mentally and spiritually this writing is fulfilling, and I really did enjoy reading this, and feel relief that there are writers that can come across this feeling and show it in such ways. Keep writing!

[Christian Bonoan]

Thank you for this review :)