Bad Dream

(The New England Primer)

 --Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep, if I shall die when I’m awake I pray the lord my soul to take,

                Amen.

 

 

 

     For as long as I can remember I have woken up in a cold sweat and a throbbing heart beat  that felt that was going to tear out of my chest. Every night it started out the same, the same bad dream. But not like your typical normal dream; the dreams I have at night felt real. So real that I have begun to question my sanity.  But, the actual reality of this was that it wasn’t real, it was simply a dream; a bad dream that I have been constantly dreaming, and just like every other night I sit now in my bedroom alone recalling every bit of that frantic dream, attempting to convince myself that it wasn’t real. Yet, I can’t help but feel afraid. I stopped at the absurdity of my personal thoughts. It was only a dream. I repeatedly tell myself. I look around my room to reassure myself that I am safe, and that nobody is actually after me. I am safe. Is what I now tell myself.

    Was I safe? Logically my surroundings told me I was safe, yet inside I felt otherwise. Fear was starting to become a most familiar feeling. After being awake for some time I finally decided to try to force myself to go to sleep. I lay in bed trying to sleep, but I just couldn’t because the constant memory of my nightmare kept playing in my head like a movie. I am safe. I repeatedly  told myself over and over again. For some reason my brain was not accepting that command, the logical truth.  I was afraid to go to sleep. Fear was slowly controlling my life over some nightmare. You’re safe. I reassured myself until I drifted off to sleep.

    I awoke early morning. My eyes were slowly adjusting to the morning light as  I slowly sat up and recalled last night’s events. I had survived another night. I get up and got ready for school, downstairs I can hear the television on, and mom talking to my sister Ali. After getting ready I look in the mirror and see the person before me. Messy pony tail, plain black t-shirt and jeans with black converse, this is as good as its going to get. My face looked hideous I had dark circles under my eyes, and pale skin. But right now I didn’t care about my appearance I had a test to take early morning, so school was my priority.

    I head downstairs and smell the fresh coffee. My little sister Ali is sitting down eating breakfast, and watching a children’s show. Mom is drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Typical morning, I approach the coffee pot, and serve myself a cup of coffee. At first complete silence, I don’t  exactly feel like utterly looking at my mother’s face because if I do she would question me about my bad nights.

    “So…” my mother awkwardly breaks the silence between us. “How are you this morning?”  I focus my gaze on the children’s show, and take a sip of my coffee before responding.  “I’m okay.” My response was cold towards my mother, quite frankly I didn’t want any questions about anything.  Putting her newspaper away, she takes another sip of her coffee and asks, “Are you sure?”  But I know where this is heading. The same question she has been asking me for the past six months. But, I know better than to answer because should I answer the actual truth as to how I really feel, I would immediately be sent to a therapist, and I personally felt this is something I could overcome myself.  Since my father’s death, I have not been able to sleep, and I have become reclusive towards my family. Lately though I just want to be alone, I can overcome this, it will just take me more time. Tapping my foot anxiously on the floor, and still not meeting my mother’s gaze I nod my head yes.

    Hesitant, my mother replies, “Its…it’s just that since your fa…” but I am immediately quick to respond to this. I slam my coffee mug on the counter and raise my voice towards her. “I SAID I’M FINE!!” the room went quite, the awkward tension became quickly apparent. I was fuming inside, the subject was very delicate for me to even discuss.  Ali exchanged glances between  mom and I not knowing what was going to happen. I briefly glanced at my mother’s eyes which were now filling with emotional tears. My conscious was now eating at me, I felt terrible for what I had done. I quickly apologized to my mother, and we hugged.

    “I’m sorry…” were the only words I could say. My mother simply hugged me tight, as if afraid to loose me. “Please talk to me” she said.  My shirt was soaking my mother’s tears. Eventually  after some time we slowly let go of each other, as my mother continued to embrace me. “I’m just worried for you that’s all. If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you.” I wiped my mother’s tears away, and reassured her I was okay. I didn’t stay very long, I finished my coffee and gave my mom and sister a goodbye hug, and left the house.

     Leaving the house I felt a bit more relieved. Relieved in the sense that I had once again managed to somewhat deceive my mom, and I didn’t have to confront what really is going on with me. But, on the inside I was not relieved. I was broken, shattered. The very memory of my father broke my heart, because I missed him so much, and I just wished things were the same again, just like before, regardless of what I wanted, or how much I wanted things to change, they wouldn’t. My father was dead and nothing was ever going to change that. I know my mother sees a different me, the old me was gone, or maybe put away, I don’t know, but the me now was lonely, sad, and  angry. The old Celeste was perhaps still not ready to come out. Publicly I had to put on my mask; the mask that lead everyone to believe I was okay, but I was wondering how much longer I could wear this mask.

      But that was the game plan, I had to wear a mask everyone wanted to see, eventually the dark mask behind it would disappear, and I would slowly recover. But deep down I knew that wasn’t all that was bothering me. The man in my dreams was also an issue that nobody knew about. If I was to tell someone about it I would be sent to a doctor, and I know I’m not crazy. It was only a dream, and dreams are not real.

      On my way to the University I was trying to focus on the test I had to do, then suddenly  something inside me froze me in my tracks.  I remembered something else, it was the dream, or nightmare I should say.  Yet, as hard as I tried telling myself that it was only a dream, and it was not real. At that moment I felt a cold chill down my spine, as I recalled the man in my dreams and realized how real he felt to me.

Reviews

[Emma Patterson]

I love your writing style! It's so comfortable and natural. My favorite tense and point of view to read is present first person because it always seems to connect me more with the character and makes me feel as if it is happening right now. You nailed it!
Awesome beginning to a story. It got me super curious, and I am ready to read more. Keep up the incredible writing!
I found a few parts that needed commas or should have them taken away, so just keep that in mind, but that's all I found!

[Natasha]

I loved your way of writing how the character felt. I was drawn in from the start of the story and was sad to have to stop. The only concern I have is that I feel like the story keeps changing from past tense to present tense in a lot of places. It was kind of confusing to read in this way. I love the way the story pulls you in and leaves you wanting more. Great job! I am excited to read more.

[Rafael Najae]

I like the concept of the chapter. It has a good plot behind it, but I encourage you to work on it more to really bring it out.

There are a few occasions where semi-colons were needed.

You also have a habit of using the same words multiple times in a sentence, and it was really distracting for me. I would recommend finding different words with the same synonym.

A few typos but it wasn't too bad. I feel overall once it's cleaned up a bit it'll be really engaging.

I love the fact that you have a simplistic writing style. Every sentence doesn't feel like this poetic work of art; and for me that made following your story much easier. A lot of times writers get so caught up in sounding incredible.... that they don't really make sense when you read a particular sentence. You have a clear delivery which is wonderful, and I encourage you to stay at it. You have talent, and in all honesty none of us is above editing and revising.

[Lavorther]

Great beginning of your story. I like the way you write, and for me it is pleasant to read. Your description of the fear for the dreams was great. I can really identify myself with that, as i have gone through something similar a while ago.

Long story short: Good first chapter, and i am going to follow this book, because i want to know the rest of the story.