Never

A girl is raped-- or is she? She never said no, after all....

Ariel pulled her arm away, terror rising in her throat. “No, wait.” He continued to grab her other arm instead, pushing her further down onto the bed, covering her chest and face in kisses that left his spit on her skin, sending shivers of fear down her spine. She knew these were being misinterpreted as want, as need. His hunger for her that had first flattered her now made her shrink into her own skin. “Please, wait, I don’t know…” He kissed her lips now, shushing her attempts to slow things down so she could politely diffuse the situation.

Ariel’s eyes darted to door which she now clearly remembered him locking behind him as he’d entered. There was no one around anyway-- she was supposed to be in class, she’d skipped, hoping to enjoy her Friday instead. None of the familiar bustle of dorm business had greeted her when she’d let him into her room only a few minutes prior. Brianne. Her roommate. Surely she’d return and unlock the door, unknowingly blowing out the fuse that seemed to have been lit. But no, Brianne would not return for a few hours at least-- she’d left for a lunch with friends and then a movie.

Ariel returned her attention to the man on top of her, essentially pinning her down. His breath reeked of rotten eggs, she turned her head from his kisses so as not to gag. He still did not seem to understand her distaste, but the words would not come to her. How could she diffuse this without it possibly angering him? After all, she had flirted, she’d invited him over, she’d allowed his first kisses, even anticipated them. But this was going so quickly and she’d had no intention of him ever touching her in this way. Ariel found herself surprised by his hands now traveling under her shirt, uninvited there. She pushed his hands down and out, but he simply brushed her hands away and chuckled. “You’re ok, this is why I’m here. I promise you’re ok.” His words were soft and measured as he kissed down her chest, as though to soothe her despite the disgust she felt.

This was why he was there? But she’d only asked for a movie, that was all. He’d thrown something on, a comedy. She turned her head now as he touched her body, going limp, holding onto the hope he’d get his fill soon and return his attention to the movie. Rather than feeling bored however, he seemed to be eager to take advantage of the fact she wasn’t fighting him. His hands roamed under her bra now, not wasting even the short time to undo the clasps. By the time she realized this was happening his other hand was to her waist, tugging on the leggings she wore. He pulled away from her to swiftly tug her bottoms off, panties and all.

“Wait!” She managed to find her voice only to force out this word before her throat closed again and she found herself unable to speak. He paused only for a split second to look about and spy the box of condoms she had in the open closet and panic hit her harder than it had up until this point. He wasn’t going to stop, he wasn’t satisfied with a sweet kiss or touching her in ways she felt uncomfortable. And already, here she was undressed beneath him, naked and vulnerable. Her mind raced, but it simply kept coming back to two options. One, let him, or two, make a fuss he’d view as unnecessary and possibly take from her by force. Neither one appealed to her. The thought he’d just heed her saying ‘no’ and leave her alone didn’t seem possible to her-- his hunger shone in his eyes and up to this point he was simply taking what he wanted. Fear of him hurting her kept her silent.

“Those condoms-- I suppose you want me to use protection?” His voice raised as though it was a question but Ariel did not feel he wanted a true response. Indeed, he didn’t wait for one, ripping one open and putting it on himself quickly before once again being on top of her, his one hand holding both her arms above her head. She could feel the power in his muscles and it scared her even more. If she said no now, she could not fight him off. And surely he hadn’t waited at any point when she’d told him to wait. She was his to take, the only choice she really had now that she’d let it get this far was whether she wished to let him quickly or possibly hurt herself.

Ariel closed her eyes, choosing to sink into herself and think of other things. The stupid movie he’d turned on still played beside them and she focused on the sounds, on the tone and intensity of the voices, though she didn’t hear what was being said. His fingers touched her low and suddenly she felt him enter her, no warning. Her body was not ready, and he did not glide in easily. The condom had been lubricated so she thanked God for that, as it slid in easier than she’d thought. She cursed herself for allowing this situation to come to pass. He thrust once, twice, three times, and it became less painful, though he was very large and each time it felt as though he was trying to press into her other organs as well.

Still Ariel kept her eyes closed, turned to the side, holding her breath against the wretched stench that was his body odor and rotten egg breath. It seemed as though when she was forced to breath that it was almost sulfuric, and wistfully she wished it was, so perhaps it could kill her and take her away from this.
As he pleasured himself with her still body her mind wandered, thinking of whether sulfur could kill and if perhaps he had eaten rotten eggs for breakfast. She thought of the care she’d taken to select the pretty red shirt that draped across her chest just right and whether she could ever wear it again without thinking of eggs. Suddenly she was torn from her thoughts as his body rhythm changed, shuddering, coming to a halt. She became aware that there were tears in her eyes and when he finally came off her to take off the rubber she wiped them and turned on her side, not wanting to move but not wanting to see him either.  

The movie played on and she focused on it, only to feel the bed shift as he lay behind her. He pulled her close, spooning her. “I like to cuddle after,” he whispered hoarsely and she gagged on the scent yet again. Tears fell freely now, her eyes red and her body feeling raw. She drew her arms across her chest and prayed he’d leave, but he stayed behind her, his arms covering hers. Dully, she wondered why she was crying. She hadn’t told him not to. She hadn’t pushed him off or yelled at him, she had invited him over and accepted his first kisses. And yet Ariel felt as though something had been taken from her, as though she’d had no choice. This was her own fault, of that she felt certain. Still, she wanted him gone, she didn’t want him or anyone else to touch her at that moment. She lay stock still until the movie finished, unmoved. At that point she had no tears and she felt empty, not hurt or sad.

“My roommate will be back soon.” Her voice sounded to her as though it was someone else’s, muffled as though through many blankets. He hesitated, then pulled away from her, sitting up and dressing himself, throwing Ariel her clothes. Once dressed he gave her a strange look.

“How many guys have you done this with?” Ariel simply stared at him dumbfounded.

“Done…. What?”

“You know…. This. One night stands or whatever you want to call it.” She had no words. Did he think this was something she just did? Or that she’d even wanted? Certainly he couldn’t be so dense as to not see the tears on her cheeks, to realize she’d texted him multiple times before he came over specifying that she didn’t want this.

“Never,” came her cold answer finally, after many long awkward moments. “I told you before I don’t do that. That I didn’t want to. So… Never.” And with that he unlocked the door and slipped out. Her nightmare was over and yet, somehow, she felt it had just begun.