The Sides of me you Refuse to See

I’m getting worse and you don’t know… you pay attention to me only long enough to see the fake smile I present"the same fake smile I’ve spent days… weeks… months… years perfecting.

I’m getting worse and you don’t know because I’m forcing myself to not talk about my problems with you. I don’t talk because I know what your opinion is towards my problems: self-chosen and filled with countless excuses.

I’m getting worse and you don’t know when I sit silently in my room and when I lay in bed for hours because I don’t have the energy to get up. You think I’m making the excuse to not come down and do something, but what you don’t know is that I don’t have the mental strength to face you"my family.

I’m getting worse and you don’t know because I hide all of my insecurities behind a mask you can’t distinguish between what I should feel and what I really feel because you don’t want to spend the time to make sure I am truly happy and not just “fine.”

I’m getting worse and you don’t know when my smiles disappear the moments you look away to go back to work where you drown yourself in. It makes me feel that you don’t care about how I actually feel. I just know that you care more about your work than the ones that are around you.

I’m getting worse and you don’t know it because I spend my nights lying awake constantly thinking and fearing about the moment you realize what is really lurking inside my head"the moment you see how much of a hurricane my mind is with the many things that it holds. My biggest fear is that you’ll think all of this is just a fabricated story.

I’m getting worse and you don’t know as I spend hours forcing myself to do homework because it makes me feel like I’m doing something for myself, but you think I’m not and wasting time writing stories and wasting my time doing nothing. I can’t tell you anything because you don’t listen to anything I have to say or you flat out tell me not to speak because you won’t hear reason"my reason.

I’m getting worse and you don’t even know that on most days, I sometimes find myself wondering if everything would be better if I was gone…

… I’m getting worse… and you don’t even know it.

Author's Note

This is just something I wrote the other day before I got into a jam... Something for a character I wrote about a while back.