Failure

I can feel myself crumbling, falling away from my

place in the world where I should feel comfortable in.

Like there’s something or someone beside me

pushing me off the stand of self-confidence and self-belief

so I can fail at everything I want to be.

There’s always someone whispering in my ears

on both sides of the spectrum--

one telling me “You’ll never be anything”
and the other saying “You just need to push through.”

I don’t know who or what to believe anymore

because I am starting to think

the one whispering “failure, failure, failure” is the one

that is right, that is true.

I never do anything right anyway

so what is the point in thinking otherwise?

 

I can feel myself shattering, blowing away in the wind

as dust because there is nothing there holding me together.

That glue has been taken away from me like

a candle is blown out.

There is ice where there should be a fire,

there’s nothing left where that fire used to be and

nothing can fix it.

“Failure, failure, failure” repeats in my head

and in my actions because

nothing seems to change.

I have tried telling someone about my problems but

it seems it all goes in one ear and out the next

of the person I am talking to and it leaves me

feeling like nothing I do will work to fix it.

I will always be reminded of this ignorance.

 

I can feel these tears from forgotten memories falling

like rain without an end because there is

nothing there to stop them.

There is nothing here to help me forget

the pain that caused these tears to show themselves again

because the wall that used to hold all these feelings back

from the surface is gone--

the bricks that I had sculpted into the supposed everlasting strong hold has

weathered away into the dust I am becoming

so there is nothing that I can use to hide everything from the world.

And yet they wonder why there is something wrong with me.

They ask me why I am crying.

They ask me why I feel this way.

They ask me what made me this way--

They ask, but I have no answer for them.

 

I can feel myself wishing that it would all end

and that everything that I feel would just

wash away with the force that is keeping me alive.

Everything inside of me is building up

into this one, giant, crushing force that will

obliterate me and exterminate my existence

from the stand I used to call home.

Home is the place I

should feel comfortable in--

should feel wanted--

should feel loved in.

But I can still hear the whispers of “failure, failure, failure”

on constant rerun and I can’t reach the stand

the record player is sitting on because

it is too far away for me to reach.

 

I can feel the support I desperately need
drift away from giving me meaning in this life
Ignoring my cries of pain and confusion that
echo off the skeleton walls of this
house that is not a home--
why won’t anybody help me!

This skeleton house is caving in and leaving me
alone in a land that is desolate and empty--
empty of emotion--
empty of thought--
empty of consciousness.
“Failure"-- for the ones I believed in.

“Failure"-- for the ones I loved.

“Failure"-- for the ones I cherished.
There is nothing left for me anymore.

Reviews

[. serah .]

-- hmmm... this is intensely expressive and detailed... -- i think one would have to know this feeling rather intimately to know that there isn't one extra word in this piece... -- one can also see that the human mind is capable of shutting the doors to all possibilities... -- it takes some effort to remember that any problem can be solved (at least to some extent)... -- when i was going through such a phase, someone gave me precious advice... -- he said, "do what you can until you can do more"... and that just stayed with me... till i began to rebuild my life slowly... -- complete annihilation does not become a reality till we are alive... because there's always the probability of something changing the very next day...

[Erika Jones]

I wish I could tell you I love our review, it's something that I didn't expect, but I'm so speechless that this comment would be seen as useless in my eyes because I don't know what words to use so I can express how much I truly appreciate your review, other than thank you.

[. serah .]

-- oh, no worries... you're very welcome... -- i've been through years of psychological paralysis... and it does seem like there's no way out... but there is... -- one just has to be patient... and receptive to the possibility of possibilities... if you know what i mean... coz that's where the problem truly lies... (at least it did in my case)... -- i had stopped hoping and that was irrational... because one fine day, albeit after many years, everything changed... -- the concept of probability is where our answers lie... -- we just cannot assume that nothing will change...