Recognizing Mirrors

I broke down for 3 1/2 hours in my coworker's home during the middle of the night. The last sentence I wrote on a sheet of paper was, "I haven't really had time to heal." & I finally understood.

As I sat on the floor,

in the dark,

in a corner,

at two in the morning,

while in another man's house,

I realized something.

As I was

unable to speak,

unable to get up,

unable to reveal my face,

unable to cease the never-ending rush of tears,

unable to be comforted, and

unable to escape my mind,

I

finally

realized...

I realized that I am not...that I am not okay.

But

I live, I speak, and I laugh thinking, "I'm okay now..." So convinced within myself...too convinced- When in actuality I am nine Psychological Disorders, eleven stitches, fifty-two hands, and hundreds of relapses away from being...okay.

Reminding myself of my mother once again...

Remembering how she constantly removed herself mentally...emotionally.

How she pulled away from everyone around her...practically unresponsive...neglecting all priorities as a mother, but not as a wife. In that moment she was incapable of nurturing, loving, prioritizing, and even comforting...her own children, sometimes her husband...even herself.

and I remembered for the first time in a long time...

who I used to be-

who I still am

so don't tell me to look at myself then ask me the question- don't ever ask me that question, "What do you see?" because at this moment I've lost my belief. My belief that I'm better- my belief that I've moved on because after 15 years-

this

is me.

As I sat on the floor at two in the morning,

this man offered me food, water, pants, a bed, comfort, his ear...and I either shook my head, stared at the wall, or sank into my legs, saying nothing at all.

I was hungry as hell...but I couldn't eat.

I needed water, but I couldn't drink.

I was utterly exhausted...but I could not sleep.

I was so cold...I was practically freezing...but in the heat of being trapped- screaming within my mind, I couldn't leave...

that corner.

I kept screaming at the top of my lungs, but only in my head. I was shouting...I was yelling at myself to use my legs, to open up my mouth and speak...to let my thoughts and memories flow from my throat at any tone and at any speed. The pressure in my chest building as I pushed for words I pushed for sound I pushed for years of learned language to come out.

But my lips remained sealed and my voice absent as I was suffocating...I was trying to breathe...for three and a half hours

as I sat on the floor...

in the dark...

in a corner...

while in another man's house...

completely incapable of

willing myself to speak out

incapable of willing myself to leave "my spot"

incapable of standing.

And I, in that moment understood-

That

I

Am

Not

Okay.

Author's Note

Spoken Word- I'll record an audio one day
July 27, 2016
Midnight - 3:43 AM Press play after the second stanza.