Poppin' On The Low

I was taking pills to sleep... Thankfully I've found a new remedy...♥ Written November 14, 2013 http://www.poetrysoup.com/poems_poets/poem_detail.aspx?ID=519337

On and off I'm popping pills just to sleep
And...
The effects of them are steadily forcing me to grow weak
After a few hours I'm still fighting the sedative
Because...
I'm afraid and these nights are too repetitive.
But, my hands begin to tremor and my eyes start un-focusing
Then...
I feel an itch in my throat while my heart slows down again
For some reason I'm fighting the urge to scream;
Like...
My heart's being compressed down so hard it's bursting at the seam.
I'm fighting tears for the same reason I've been crying year after year
And...
I know I'm not thinking straight... But my sanity's not 100% here.
I hate taking medicine because I don't understand what's up in my body
But...
I've resorted to poppin' since I'm up all day up all night like it's an ongoing party.
Tempted to relocate a razor, sip some vodka, or induce this behavior.
So...
I exert those external thoughts towards the exit of my mind because they're a danger.
I hold out until I come to the conclusion that I can no longer suppress the scream scratching at my throat...
And... 
I turn up my music, grab my teddy bear, cry a bit, and just drift off in a place called Neverland on a boat
Where all I feel is loneliness , violation, and fear
Just...
Screaming and crying out for someone with a listening ear.
To come get this man up off of me,  up out of me, take him away from me
But...
Just like then no one heard... No one cared... Not one bird... See. 
Even they flew in the opposite direction  unaware of how much that hurt
And...
The pills keep me locked in that world until the last SKUUUUR-T moment.
I awake either in the fetal position and/or with my heart pounding  
Then...
I remember how I just saw myself trembling...shouting;
I'm Crying, resisting, just trying to stop what always takes place
When ...
A male gets my vulnerable a** all alone, forcing me to taste
The intense burning of masculine hands and a hint of trickled rage
With...
A side of familiar violations and fear cooked up with sage.
A bitter meal made up of the tormented moments that draaaag on through the next meal
So...
Let's forget that disgusting platter and resort to popping pills
Because no longer will I cut nor embrace hatred
But...
There's still sadness lingering around this let go.. tainted..
I won't hold these transgressions against men any longer
Because...
With their lusting hands and raspy commands among me I've become stronger.

Author's Note

Honest opinions always welcome...

Reviews

[Bluemerlin]

If there's anything like it where you live, you should do stand up poetry, maybe a poetry slam? This stuff is good and simple and powerful enough that with a good voice you could bring down the house. You have some definite skill with word play, most notably to me being the "relocate a razor" line, which has a very pro tempo. Anyway, good stuff.

[Angel Criner]

I've always been somewhat interested in participating in such an event since my early middle school years however, I've never really looked into it because I'm actually quite shy and timid in front of crowds... especially when it comes to presenting something affiliated with me. Lol, I've never been good with speaking how I feel... I write what I feel... And I read it... yet I can't say it... but I appreciate your uplifting insight. Your words were quite encouraging... Thank you! When I have time I'll be sure to check by your work if you don't mind c: